Not This Time

Jon: May 27, 1987

     We all laughed as the balloon bounced off the top of my head and flew up into the air. It started to fall toward Alec, but his hand came up and smacked it back up into the air before it had a chance. Coming down, his hand just narrowly missed hitting Richie in the face. The elevator really was no place for a game of Keep The Balloon In The Air, but we'd been playing it the whole way back to the hotel from the party; we couldn't stop just for the elevator.
     The door slid away with a ding to announce our arrival. Tico hit the balloon out of the elevator, sending Richie racing down the hall after it. We all laughed at our own childishness as we chased the balloon, stumbling and prancing all the way down to my room.
     As the rest of the band followed the balloon up and down the hall, I unlocked and opened my door. The room was still dark from when we'd left the hotel to go to the venue. I reached in and flipped the light switch, trying to keep the door from closing, as if I wouldn't be able to open it again if it did. When I leaned out of the door again, Richie was dribbling the balloon along the ceiling.
     "Guys," I chuckled, "In here."
     Alec and David stole the balloon and juggled it back up the hall between themselves until Richie spiked it toward me. I kicked it up to eye level and then punched it into my hotel room. Richie dove past me, into my room, to knock the balloon higher before it could fall onto the bed.
     Tico shut the door as the rest of us spread out around my room to keep the balloon in the air. Richie started bouncing on my bed impatiently while Alec hogged the balloon to himself. I reached around him and knocked it out of his grasp, hitting it over to David. Richie jumped up and down as it passed to Tico, then Alec, then back to David. After hitting the balloon in my direction, David grinned and hopped up to join the guitarist.
     "Hey! I've gotta sleep there later!" I protested with a laugh, jumping up on the bed to push them off.
     As I struggled with Richie, David swatted the air in my general direction and vaulted himself from my bed, escaping to the safety of one of the chairs by the window. Richie laughed and leapt to the other chair. I jumped off the bed, landing on the ground with a heavy thud.
     "Dude, there are people below us!" Alec scolded jokingly. I made a face and we all laughed.
     "Wake up, sleepyheads!" David yelled, looking down at the floor, making us all laugh again.
     I shook my head and started to smooth out my bed spread, in the process brushing off any dirt their shoes might have left. I could tell they were still tossing the balloon about over my head. I had just finished smoothing out the blanket again when Richie's voice sounded.
     He shouted, "Look out!"
     I had barely gotten a chance to straighten and look up before David belly flopped onto the comforter that I'd just fixed. He spread his arms and legs out across the bed, taking up all but a little space near the headboard. Tico then took the liberty of plopping across that space. Alec sat down on the corner next to David's waist and yawned. I scoffed at them and looked up at Richie, who was still standing on the chair. With a quick glance between my band and my guitarist, I brought a finger up to my mouth and quietly stepped around the bed.
     Then I grabbed David's feet. "Wake up, sleepyhead!" I laughed, yanking him toward the end of the bed. He kicked his feet and grabbed at whatever was nearby. Alec was forced to jump up to keep from being clutched at. Tico called out in surprise when David's hand wrapped around his ankle.
     "What are you-!" he exclaimed, trying to shake David off. Richie just sat there laughing at the whole scene as Alec took hold of one of David's ankles and helped me tug him off the bed.
     David clawed at the bed spread, but he was laughing. We all were. Alec and I pulled the pianist off the bed and he fell face first into the carpet. As soon as we dropped his feet, he rolled over and laughed. Then Alec started laughing too, but I only grinned. I looked up just in time to see Richie leap onto my bed where David had just been.
     "Oh come on!" I started. But then.
     BANG!
     Everyone jumped. I think it was Alec that yelped. Nobody knew what had happened. We all looked around in surprise and confusion for a second as little shreds of red fell from the sky. A little slip of red fell across Richie's face and he freaked out.
     "Uuuch!" he complained, peeling the red scrap from his nose, "It's warm!"
     "The balloon exploded," Tico snickered as he sat up. He reached over and picked a shred of the red stuff off the top of my lamp. He grinned and tossed it at Richie. "Must have landed on the lamp and gotten too hot," he explained as Richie threw the plastic back at him.
     David started laughing again. Then me. Alec looked embarrassed, but he started chuckling as well. We all just sat there laughing for a minute and then I started picking up bits of balloon. As the laughter started to fade, I noticed the rest of the guys start to help me pick up the mess.
     Everyone was beginning to settle down, or at least I was. The sudden shock of that balloon popping had used up what was left of my adrenaline for the night and I was very rapidly beginning to feel the effects of show. Nobody spoke. In the silence, the knock that sounded at the door seemed extra loud.
     Richie was the closest, so he answered it. From where I was, I couldn't see who was standing there, but Richie didn't say anything. Whoever it was mumbled something and Richie nodded.
     "Who is it, Rich?" I asked, stepping over so I could see. As soon as the door was in view, Richie stepped out of the way for Nina to step in. She looked distressed. Instantly, I was alert again. Something was wrong. I would have asked her what, but I didn't have to. Before she could even get in the door, Matt was next to her in the doorway.
     He grabbed her arm. "You tricked me!" he hissed.
     "No, I didn't!" Nina snapped right back, turning a little to look at him even though she was already halfway into the room, "I've done exactly what you said! You should have chosen your words more carefully!" She started to try yanking her arm out of his grasp, but he wouldn't let her.
     "Hey, lea-" Richie started, but neither Nina nor Matt seemed to notice that he'd even opened his mouth.
     "Nina, you have no idea what you're doing!" he warned as Nina struggled to get away from him. Richie reached out to help tug her away, but she shook him off. I was ready to kick Matt's ass. He couldn't just keep showing up and stressing out my girlfriend.
     I was halfway to the door when Nina responded, "I'm not going anywhere! Let go of me!"
     With her free hand balled into a fist, she took a swing at Matt's head. He leaned away in surprise and released her. As soon as she was out of his grasp, I pulled her into my room. Matt was still recovering from his surprise on the other side of the hall when I closed the door on him.
     "Are you alright?" I asked, gently guiding Nina into my room.
     She was rubbing her arm where Matt had been holding her, but otherwise, she seemed unharmed. She looked over at me and then nodded distractedly. I couldn't tell what she was thinking about but, whatever it was, it was clearly troubling her.
     "Who was that guy?" Richie asked.
     Everyone looked at Nina, but she was staring at the carpet. She had to have known that Richie was speaking to her, but she didn't answer right away. She uncrossed her arms and ran her hands up and down the front of her jeans like she usually did when she was nervous. I frowned at the gesture, but didn't say anything.
     "Someone I thought was my friend," she finally muttered, still not looking at anybody. She frowned at the floor for a moment and then looked up at me sadly.
     "What happened?" I prompted.
     Nina's expression changed then. The sadness dissolved into anger and she shook her head, crossing her arms again. "He was in the crew room," she fumed slightly, "They just let him in because he said he knew me!" She scoffed and shook her head in disbelief for a second before going on, "They were all chatting and laughing when I got there. They love him!"
     "How did he know which room was yours?" David asked.
     Nina shrugged again. "I have no clue. He always knows," she replied, "I don't know how."
     "He's shown up before?" I scoffed.
     Nina looked over at me and just stared for a second. She looked like she hadn't intended to say that out loud. After a minute, she bit her bottom lip and looked back down at the carpet with the small nod.
     "I didn't realize he was stalking you," I grumbled. How had he gotten past Reg's guys?
     "I didn't either," Nina agreed with a sigh, looking back up at me. She glanced down at her arm. The pinkness where Matt had been holding onto her arm had faded away. She shook her head. "He's never had the guts to lay a hand on me before. I dare him to try it again," she growled, "I dare him."
     David brought his hands up to either side of his head and widened his eyes as he took a big step backwards mockingly. As usual, his joking made Nina at least smile. I couldn't say the same for myself. I was still two steps back on the idea that Matt had popped up on tour before. When Nina looked over at me, I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her comfortingly.
     "He's gotta go through me to get near you again," I assured her.
     "You need us to take care of him, Nina?" Alec offered.
     Nina snickered and leaned her head back against my shoulder, looking over at the bassist. "No," she giggled, "but thanks. I think I can handle him. I don't think he's gonna bother me as much if he thinks I'll beat him up."
     "If he doesn't quit, we can talk to The Bozz about amping up security," Tico suggested with a shrug, "He can't just keep hassling you."
     At first Nina didn't answer. When I leaned over to look at her, she looked kind of amused, like she knew something that the rest of us didn't. She smiled slightly and shrugged too, shaking her head slowly against my shoulder.
     "Thanks, Hit Man," she sighed with that same half-amused smile.
     "Yeah, well I know Jon will beat him up if he shows his face around here again tonight," Tico laughed without missing a beat, "so I'm going to bed. I'll let you know if he's still out there."
     I motioned around the room at my band. "You guys all need to get out so that I can go to sleep too," I told them. Tico was the first one to the door. The rest of them made slight grumbling noises, but I knew they were just joking. Over Nina's shoulder, I watched them head for the door.
     "Coast is clear!" Tico called back to us before he left. Nina looked over at the door then. I couldn't tell if she was anxious or relieved. I just didn't know what she was thinking. I hugged her a little tighter and she rewarded me with a smile over her shoulder.
     As soon as the door closed behind my band, Nina let out a long sigh. I let her go but kept my eyes on her as she rubbed her face. Her hands ran up into her hair and ruffled it a little before she dropped them back to her side. Then she crossed her arms and looked back at me with a tired expression.
     "I just wanted to take a shower before I went down to the bus," she mumbled. I smiled a little at her sad-puppy eyes. She smiled back but it faded pretty fast as she shook her head with another sigh. "I think I might need a bath now."
     I motioned to the bathroom. "It's all yours," I said. She only smiled again. I tilted my head. "When did Matt show up before?" I asked.
     Nina looked away with a frown, closing her eyes like the memory pained her. "He um," she began. She swallowed and then bit her lip, looking back over at me. "He was there in April. In Philly."
     "That's why you were crying!" I deduced, pointing at her matter-of-factly. God, that pissed me off. "It's always him!" I spat angrily. Nina didn't even seem to notice my frustration. She just watched me try to understand. I shook my head and held my hands out to her questioningly. "Why does he make you cry whenever he shows his face, Nina? Who is he?"
     She didn't answer for a minute. I couldn't tell whether her unresponsiveness was because she was tired or because of the drama that had just happened with Matt. Maybe it was all the drama that seemed to surround Matt whenever he was around. Either way, she seemed a little bummed. She sat down on my bed and shrugged, staring at the carpet again.
     "Matt and Emma were a couple of my very first friends when I ran away from home. Good friends. They helped me escape things that I didn't like. That was Matt's thing, taking me away from everything. Taking me on, like, trips and things," she explained quietly, looking up at me as she spoke.
     I could tell from the look in her eyes that she had a lot of fond memories from the beginning of her friendship with Matt. She let out a mirthless chuckle, dropped her gaze, and shrugged again.
     "In the beginning, it was all about cheering me up, making me happy. He helped me move out of Sayreville after the, uh....the attack," she told me. "He's the overly generous friend who gave me the mustang for my birthday." She paused one more time and thought about it. "I mean, he's been a good friend, up to now," she said, staring at nothing in particular. It was almost like she was talking to herself.
     "Up to now," I repeated under my breath.
     She looked up at me and gave me a small, tight-lipped smile before rising from the bed. She stepped over to me and looped her arms around my neck. "But now I'm in a place I want to be in and I love my life," she whispered, "and you make me happy."
     "Then tell him to stop," I suggested with a shake of my head, "Tell him to leave you alone."
     "I have, Rockstar," she groaned, leaning away from me again. I watched her take a step or two away. She covered her face with her hands and shook her head in frustration before dropping her hands and continuing. "He seems convinced that you and me together can lead to absolutely nothing good," she sighed, "He's adamant about taking me home, away from you and tour and everything."
     I didn't understand though. Home, for her, was New York. I knew where she lived. Matt knew that I knew it too. How could taking her back to her apartment in New York possibly keep her away from me? Unless by home, she meant back to her parents. But that wouldn't make sense either if Matt's 'thing' was taking her away from things she didn't like. Her parents certainly fit that bill.
     "But you live in New York," I reasoned. She nodded and I shook my head. "I know where your apartment is, Nina. It's not like taking you there would keep us apart."
     She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed, "He wouldn't take me there, Rockstar."
     I blinked at her. "You mean he'd take you back to Houston?" She didn't even look at me, only shook her head. I felt like I was missing something. Were those not the only places she'd call home? She couldn't mean my apartment. I shrugged helplessly. "Where would he take you then?"
     "Someplace you wouldn't know about," she mumbled, with a shy glance in my direction. I scoffed and glared at her a little. She knew that wasn't helpful. She took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. Reluctantly she said, "It's just this....other life I had in New York. You remember when I wasn't around in '85?"
     I nodded. "Yeah, you said you went home," I recalled, "You mean that's what he'd take you to?"
     Nina just nodded, letting her gaze wander for a minute. Then she said quietly, "And I don't want to go back. It's just.." With a small shrug and a shake of her head, she met my gaze and concluded, "not me anymore."
     "Do I want to know what it was?" I asked cautiously.
     She didn't look away. "No."
     Maybe it was the look in her eyes, or maybe it was the tone of her voice, but I got the overwhelming feeling that she didn't want to talk about. "You don't want to tell me..?" I stated, observing more than questioning, but she still answered.
     "No." She almost looked a little scared. I couldn't tell if she was afraid of the life she used to live or of telling me about it. Why would she be afraid to tell me about it, though? Unless she'd done something horrible.
     I narrowed my eyes just a little. "Was it something bad?"
     With a roll of her eyes, Nina let out an exasperated sigh and shook her head. She didn't respond though, until she was looking back at me. "No, Rockstar," she assured me, making sure to meet my gaze, but still shaking her head, "it wasn't bad. I'm not a criminal or a prostitute or anything like that. I promise."
     "Then why don't you want me to know?" I challenged.
     She didn't even pause to think about it. "Because it's crazy!" she retorted. She glanced away from me for only a moment as she shrugged. "I don't want to get you all mixed up in it. It was never the life I wanted," she explained, "There's not really a point in talking about it. It's a mess."
     I could kind of see where she was coming from with that idea, but it still frustrated me that I'd stumbled upon yet another thing I'd never known about her. Just when I thought I'd had her all figured out aside from her friendship with Matt, that little mystery grew. I'd never expected it to be like that.
     My parents were what I always thought love would be like. Mom knew that he only took his coffee with a very particular amount of cream and Dad knew that she liked it when he polished his wedding ring. They knew every tiny little detail about each other. Nothing was ever new, but it somehow never got old. I'd always wanted that, but I was starting to think loving Nina wasn't ever going to be like that.
     I stepped over to her and let her put her arms around my neck as I wrapped mine around her waist. I leaned my forehead against hers and gazed into those pretty blue eyes she had. "It feels like every time I see you I'm learning something new about you," I commented softly, "Am I ever going to stop learning and just know you?"
     Nina let out a half-laugh and smiled a little. "If I'm being honest," she snickered, "probably not, no." I smiled a little too. She was complicated, to say the least, but I was still a sort of disappointed.
     "Am I at least ever going to get to know this?" I asked.
     Nina leaned away from me. She didn't look annoyed that I'd asked. She didn't have that scared look that he'd had earlier. She looked like she was trying to figure out what I was thinking. She licked her lips and took a deep breath, sliding her hands down over my shoulders to rest on my chest. She looked me dead in the eye and spoke.
     "Jon, I promise I'll tell you everything someday after it's all over. And you can decide then whether or not you believe it. But right now, I don't want to worry about it. I don't want to think about it. I just want to be here with you. I want to forget the past and get on with right now."
     I knew she was serious since she'd used my given name. She so rarely did that, it always meant something when she did. She wanted me to know that she meant what she said. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she would keep that promise, but I had no idea when. Her blue eyes stared at me insistently, begging me to just let her have this one.
     As if that look in her eyes hadn't said it enough, she added, "Please."
     I wasn't completely comfortable with not knowing, but I could handle it. It wasn't like she insisted on knowing every last detail that I'd never told her about my past. I didn't really have a right to demand that information from her, no matter how much I wanted to know. And I loved her. I didn't want to fight about it.
     I kissed her forehead and pulled her into a hug. She leaned her head against my shoulder and I leaned mine against hers affectionately.
     "Alright," I agreed quietly with a small nod, "Okay."
     Her sigh sounded a little like relief. "Thank you," she whispered.
     "I love you."
     "I love you too."
     We stood there for a minute, just hugging one another. Then I yawned. Stupid insomnia was gonna keep me up all night, probably, but that was no reason for Nina to stay awake any longer than she had to. I unwrapped my arms from around her shoulders and nodded toward the bathroom door.
     "Go on," I instructed, "take your bath so you can go to bed. I know you're tired."
     She smiled a little. "See, you do know me," she giggled. I turned her around and gave her a gentle push in the direction of the bathroom. She kept walking, but shook her head. "I dunno, I might fall asleep in there. I'm really am pretty tired."
     "I can keep you awake," I offered, "That's not a problem."
     Nina stopped dead in her tracks and looked over her shoulder at me with questioning disbelief. I didn't understand her expression. It was both a little amused and a little surprised. Then a small, coy smile started appearing on her face.
     "Are you-?" she started right as I figured out what she was thinking. I didn't even let her finish her question.
     "Talking, Nina! I can keep talking to you!" I clarified with a grin.
     "Oh," she laughed, her face turning red with embarrassment.
     I laughed too. "Yeah, because we were both just talking about how tired you are," I mused, "There's nothing more sexy than an exhausted woman."
     I don't know whether it was my sarcasm or my poor word choice, but Nina brought a hand up to cover her mouth and laughed even harder.
     I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "God, you've got a dirty mind," I scolded, only making it harder for her to stop laughing. I shook my head again, still smiling at her amusement. "Go take your bath!"