Not This Time

Nina: May 17, 2011

     "This is so much fun!" Penny squealed, motioning for me to turn so that she could see more of the dress she'd picked out. Reluctantly, I turned in a circle. She hadn't dragged me along to play dress up since right around the time we met. God, that felt like ages ago. She clapped excitedly when I stopped to look in the mirror as well.
     The dress was navy blue and glittery. Thank God, no sequins, but the material sparkled with every little move I made. With my hair and makeup done from the spa we'd gone to earlier, the dress made me look like a barefoot model. It reminded me of The Price is Right, honestly. Penny jumped up and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.
     "You look so pretty! And I've got my dress! We should go to a club or a party or something!" she cheered, "I'm sure somebody's got something going!"
     "Do we have to?" I asked as I reached behind me for the zipper.
     Penny gasped. "You don't like it?"
     I grimaced at my reflection in the mirror and shrugged with a small shake of my head. "Not really," I sighed, "It's too sparkly. I'm not really feelin' it."
     Penny took a step back and put her hands on her hips. Her pink dress was just as shimmery as mine, but with frilly off-the-shoulder straps. She looked disappointed and frustrated at the same time. I didn't know how to feel. I hadn't known how to feel in months now.
     "You're never feelin' anything!" Penny pouted. She helped me unzip the blue dress and then turned away. I had hoped it was to give me some privacy, but I had only just barely gotten the blue one off when Penny turned back and held out a flowy green dress. I took one look at it and sighed again. Penny frowned and held it out further. "Come on! This is supposed to make you feel better! I promise the right dress will make you feel like a million bucks!"
     I looked up at her, knowing full well that it didn't work that way. I knew that she knew it too. I wasn't sure why she was acting like Barbie all of a sudden. Deep down, I knew that she was really just trying to help with something that neither of us had an answer for, but this was oh so rarely the way with me. She stared back expectantly, still holding the dress out.
     "Only because it's your birthday," I relented with the smallest smile I could muster. Penny beamed again as I took the dress out of her hands and started to step into it. Everything I'd done today was only because it was her birthday. I wanted to be at home with a mac and cheese TV dinner, but she had insisted.
     I did have to admit, this dress was more me. The material was so soft, like I was slipping into a cloud. Except it was a light hunter green cloud. The back of the dress had a corset-style lacing that Penny started to tighten and tie up as I reached over my shoulders to fasten the single button that held the collar together.
     "You're right, this one's better," Penny said with a nod as her reflection came alongside mine in the mirror. I hadn't said anything about it. All I did was put it on. Penny looked at me and smiled. "What do you think?"
     I glanced at her again before returning my eyes to the mirror. I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I didn't really feel like dressing up and hitting the town. I still felt a long way from that. I'd been going to therapy for months now, and nothing seemed to be helping. Not even the writing. I was still only getting bits and pieces of dreams, even if they were bigger bits. Still no explanation though for why I felt so sad all the time.
     "Nina?"
     I blinked and looked back at her. Right. "It's nice. It's better than the other one," I agreed half-heartedly, "It goes with the makeup better." Penny grinned and nodded. She turned away with another excited squeal and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I mouthed it with her.
     "You're learning!"
     I smiled a little too and turned around to face her. She had one hand over her heart and the other was waving in front of her face as if there were really tears welling up. I shook my head slowly, but said nothing. She was ridiculous. She blinked and smiled so big.
     "I'm so glad you like it!" she announced. I watched in amusement as she attempted to reach the zipper on the back of her dress. Her fingertips brushed it a couple times, but couldn't quite reach. I finally took pity on her and stepped over to help her.
     "We're not going to a party, are we?" I asked as I unzipped her and turned away to let her change back into her street clothes.
     "I wish," came her response, "But my mom is expecting us for cake!" I was caught off guard by that new bit of information, but Penny was behind me unknotting the ribbon holding the back of my dress together before I could comment on it. She unbuttoned the top button while she was there, but then turned back to continue getting dressed. "I'll just go ahead and get these dresses up to the counter," she said, slipping into her heels, "So that we can get going."
     I looked up at her as I stepped out of the dress. "You're going to buy them?"
     "Of course!" She held her hand out for the limp green fabric in my hand. I shook my head and held it a little closer to myself.
     "Oh, no, that's okay!" I protested, "I don't need the dress!"
     "But Nina!"
     "No, Penny, really. What am I going to use a dress this nice for?"
     Penny stepped closer and reached for the dress. "I want to buy it for you!"
     "But it's your birthday!"
     She snickered at me, hand on her hip, and shook her head. "Um, yeah!" she giggled, "So let me get it! I want to!"
     I stared at her for a moment. "You do realize why that doesn't make sense, right?"
     "Listen, Nina," she laughed, "You should know by now that I'm a very giving person. Since it's my birthday, your gift to me is to accept the gifts I give you!" I raised an eyebrow at her as she leaned forward and snatched the dress out of my hand. "I like giving gifts! Just humor me, okay?"
     It wasn't that big a deal for her to buy me the dress, I just felt bad that she kept spending money on me. Penny was the best friend anyone could ask for. Probably the most generous person I knew. Somehow I felt like a crummy person whenever I was the center of her attention. She knew I couldn't pay her back for most of the things she gave me. The dress, maybe, but everything else? No way.
     I was about to say something, but Penny gave me a pleading look. I really didn't even feel like arguing. With a reluctant sigh, I shook my head and dropped my shoulders. That's when I realized that I was still standing there in nothing but my underwear.
     "Well I guess there's not much I can do to stop you at the moment anyway, is there?" I snickered, wrapping my arms around myself as I looked around for my clothes.
     "Nope!" Penny giggled, "Meet me out front when you're dressed so that we can get over to my mom's place!"
     She disappeared into the store, leaving me to put my clothes on. I felt very exposed, even in the private dressing room. I hadn't been outside my apartment for more than therapy and work in a while. Penny had insisted I come out with her.
     I pulled my cami over my head and checked my hair in the mirror to make sure I hadn't messed it up. My hair had never looked so nice, I didn't want to undo it. Especially if we were going to see Penny's mother. It was always a weird experience with her. I pulled on my capris and slipped into my flats as I took one last look around for my little cardigan. It was hanging on the back of the chair Penny had been using. Sweater in hand, I met Penny out near the counter.
     "Your bags, Ms. Chrystler," the attendant crooned, holding out the other bags we'd accumulated at the other stores we'd already visited today. In addition, he reached over and held two wide, thin boxes out to us. That was my cue. Penny had her hands full with the bags, so it was my job to grab the dress boxes.
     "Thank you, Mark," Penny chirped, "See you next time, hunny."
     "Until next time, Ms. Chrystler."
     I rolled my eyes as I followed my glamorous friend out of the store. It must have shown that I worked for her. She looked like a princess hanging out with a commoner for good press. Though that might have been the depression talking. As the door fell shut behind us and Penny pushed her sunglasses up her nose, I tightened my grip on the boxes and leaned toward her to speak.
     "Why are we going to your mom's again?"
     Penny looked at me like she'd forgotten I was there and then smiled a little. "Cake!" she sang.
     "I mean, why am I going?" I clarified, "Your mom hates me."
     Her mouth fell open a little, but I could tell she was amused. "She does not!"
     "Every time I'm there with you, she gives me these weird looks and shakes her head!" I argued, also sort of amused by it all. It didn't upset me that her mother didn't like me. In fact, it seemed just about right considering my own mother didn't even like me. Penny put her hand on her hip.
     "Maybe it's because you keep calling her Mrs. Danes!" she joked, "She hates that!"
     "It's a sign of respect! What else am I supposed to call her?" I defended with a laugh as we started down the sidewalk.
     "How about Lilianne? That is her name, y'know," Penny giggled, waving her hand about as she led us toward whichever parking garage we'd left her car in. I just hoped she remembered the right one. "But no, honestly, there is actually kind of a funny story to why she looks at you like that," she went on as we walked, "You remember that Def Leppard album party I told you about?"
     I could feel my forehead furrow in confusion. Since when did Penny talk to me about 80s bands? I didn't remember that at all. I blinked and looked back over at her with a very blunt, "No."
     Penny laughed. "You know the one! The one where the lady was dancing on the table and broke my mom's picture frame?"
     Something about it did sound familiar, but I didn't really feel like having her explain the whole conversation to me again. "Oh, yeah," I lied, "Sure. What about it?"
     "Well that lady, while she was dancing on the table, poured champagne all over Mom's carpet and the other guests," she told me, "They all had the time of their lives, but my mom got an earful about it later. Her husband was not happy!"
     I didn't see her point. "What does that have to do with me?"
     "She said you look like her."
     I paused for a second. "....so she hates me."
     "She does not!" Penny laughed again, handing her little paper ticket to the valet at the garage, "She wouldn't have invited you for cake if she hated you!"
     I paused, surprised. Penny stared back, expectantly. "She invited me?" I asked quietly.
     Again, Penny laughed. "Well yeah!" she giggled, shaking her head. "You've got some serious mommy issues, girl! You talked to Dr. Mariana about that yet?"
     My face fell and I could feel myself clam up. "No," I muttered, "and I don't need to because that's not my problem." I didn't want to talk about Maribelle and Penny must have noticed because she didn't push it. Thankfully, the valet brought Penny's little convertible around at that moment, giving me an opportunity not to continue the conversation.
     I set the boxes in the back floorboard as Penny walked around to the driver's side and tossed her bags into the back as well. I climbed into the front passenger seat, buckled up, and tied my hair back as Penny got situated to drive. She left the valet a twenty dollar tip and pulled away from their station to the parking garage exit.
     "You gotten any closer to figuring out what the problem is?" she asked quietly. I didn't look over at her, but I could tell from the tone of her voice that she was asking out of concern rather than to pry. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her glance at me, but only once.
     "No," I finally sighed, "she's just been having me write down what I can remember from those weird dreams I've been having and get my emotions out on paper and all that crap." The second half of that statement came out a lot more bitter-sounding than I'd intended it.
     One more quick glance from Penny. "Not working?"
     I just shook my head.
     "Well at least you're getting some good poems out of it," she said. I smirked a little. It was just like Penny to find the bright side about having to go to therapy. "I hope you don't mind, I read some of them while you were getting ready earlier."
     I shrugged. "Ah, I don't care. It's just a bunch of bunk anyway. They were actually supposed to be songs, but I haven't even touched a piano in years," I grumbled.
     "Songs? That's great!" Penny cheered, obviously trying to get me out of the mood I was slipping back into, "You've wanted to perform as long as I've known you! I would love to hear those songs to music sometime!"
     I was pretty sure my face went a little red at the thought of that. It was embarrassing to think I'd ever wanted to go onstage. As we pulled into the parking lot of Mrs. Dane's complex, I ran my hand down my face as if I could wipe off the blush.
     "They're nothing special," I muttered, "Just depression mumblings." Penny cruised around, looking for a spot, but I was caught up in my own head. I had always wanted to perform, but it felt like that ship had sailed. I shook my head a little, staring at the dashboard absently. "I haven't thought about performing for a while, Penny. That was the pipe dream of a delusional teenage runaway."
     The car came to a jolting halt in a parking spot, sending me forward a few inches and forcing my seat belt to activate. Penny yanked the car into park as I unbuckled my seatbelt to deactivate it. I looked over at her like she was crazy and she was giving me the most serious look I'd ever seen her give anyone. She almost looked like she was angry. She had even removed her sunglasses.
     "Don't you ever let me hear you talking like that again," she scolded. Her voice was not harsh, but it was not gentle either. "You are my friend, Nina and I will not let you give up on your dreams! You're just in a funk! Now I don't know what's causing it, but whatever it is, you've got to get it out, get over it, and get on with your life. You are capable of too many wonderful things for you to give up now!"
     I blinked a couple times, completely speechless. Penny was usually a very direct person, but she was rarely so intense about it. My eyes were still wide in surprise when I managed to answer her.
     "O-o-o-kay..?"
     Penny smiled to herself as she reached down to unbuckle her seatbelt. "You know what? I'm gonna talk to some of my producer friends," she declared, looking rather pleased with herself, even nodding a little. She looked over at me as she continued, "I'm sure they'd help me get a demo in the hands of some label scouts or something." I was about to protest, but she cut me off. "I've heard you sing, I know you'd be good enough!"
     "Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah," I sputtered quickly, watching Penny put her sunglasses back on, "Hold on a second. You really don't need to do that, Penny! Really, it's not worth it!"
     "Lies!" she chirped as she got out of the car, "You are worth it!" I was completely dumbstruck. What was I supposed to say to that? She closed her car door and leaned forward on it so that we were closer to eye level. "It's my birthday, remember?" she said gently, "Just accept the gift."
     With that, she straightened and started to walk away. I didn't even know how to feel. I had been knocked completely off balance. I would never be able to repay her for this. I couldn't understand why she wanted to do that for me. I really felt like I wanted to cry. Looking up to see where she'd gone, I caught my reflection in the side mirror. Shaken, definitely shaken, with a little pink in my nose. No tears, though.
     I climbed out of her convertible and ran to catch up with my friend before she could get to her mother's townhome. When I got to her, I linked arms, like we used to do.
     "I hope you know, you're going to make me ruin all this nice makeup that I could never do myself!" I informed her as evenly as I could. With a laugh, Penny stopped walking and threw her arms around me. I hugged her back. She was the best friend anybody could ever ask for.
     "Come on," she giggled one more time, "Let's go have some cake!"