Not This Time

Jon: December 25, 1986

     I felt so useless sitting in Nina's car out in the alley. None of what had just happened made any sense. I wanted so badly to know why Nina had gotten so nervous at the sight of those two sitting on her couch. Was she really just surprised like she said? I wanted to believe her, but it seemed like more than that. Maybe he was an old flame that never went anywhere. I could handle that. Why wouldn't she tell me that? Unless it wasn't that. But what else could it be?
     The door chain still got me, though. I'd have to check her apartment once tour was over. If there was another way into the apartment that Nina didn't know about, that was really unsafe and very unsettling. Who knew, though. Maybe it wouldn't matter once tour was over. Maybe once tour was over, she'd move in with me. Then we wouldn't have to worry about it; I knew every way in and out of my apartment.
     At first, my mind wandered to what it might be like if Nina moved in with me. The thought brought such a smile to my face. Then I was reminded that her weird friends, Matt and Emma, liked to drop in at the worst times. Would they know where to find her if she moved in with me?
     I have a teleporter.
     I closed my eyes and frowned. How did he even expect me to respond to that? For that matter, how had he come up with something so ridiculous so quickly, right off the top of his head? If nothing else, he was good at improvisation. There were quite a few things that Nina's friend had said that I didn't understand.
     The outer door to Nina's apartment closed with a familiar thud. When I looked in the side mirror, she was locking the alley door with her key. The sleeves of her large denim jacket came down over her hands, but I could still see that she was carrying that big basket of cookies that she'd prepared as a peace offering for my mother. What I didn't see was Matt and Emma. They hadn't come out with her.
     "Are they staying up there?" I asked her as she opened her door. She didn't look over at me as she set the basket in the floorboard and shifted around it to sink into her seat.
     She shook her head. "They went out the shop front," she said.
     Something about the statement didn't seem right, especially considering that the shop under Nina's apartment looked like it hadn't been open in years. Then again, there wasn't a lot about Matt and Emma that seemed right to begin with. I thought about arguing it, but then she looked up at me, clicking her seat belt into place.
     Her nose was a little pink and her face had that blotchy look that only comes from crying. She rubbed her hands together before holding them out in front of the vents that were blowing warm air. Despite the obvious evidence of her recent tears, Nina was smiling cheerfully at me. I frowned.
     "So apparently one of my windows is faulty," she told me, completely ignoring my concerned expression and continuing on as if I wasn't even looking at her. "Matt helped Emma get in through the window and then she ran through my apartment and let him in the door," she explained, "All while you were in the bathroom. They locked the chain back, but that's how their magic trick worked." She barely paused for a breath.
     I started to say something, but she just kept talking.
     "They recently got in from the west coast, so they were pretty jet lagged. That's what the whole 'time zones' thing was about," she said, "They wanted to get personal stuff out of the way before heading to their hotel to crash."
     "You've been crying," I interrupted, not really caring about anything she'd just explained anymore. It wasn't really a question, but Nina shook her head regardless, giving me another pretty, closed-mouth smile. She was forcing it, though, I could tell. Like she didn't want to be smiling.
     She took a deep breath and dropped her gaze. "I didn't cry," she denied weakly, "Almost, but not quite." She wasn't being honest with me. I hated when she didn't tell me things.
     "Don't do that," I protested, shifting in my seat to turn toward her, "Talk to me, Nina!" I paused to let her answer, but she didn't say a word. Her smile was gone, though. With that pink nose, she looked almost like she might cry again, but I knew she wouldn't. Nina never cried; it just wasn't something she did. Still, it made me want to pummel whoever had hurt her. "What did he do?" I growled.
     She simply shook her head again. "Nothing," she muttered with a small sniffle. She tried again to smile at me, but I frowned more. I just wanted to help. There was nothing I could do if she wouldn't tell me. I was just about to tell her that when she took a breath to speak again. "We just argued, that's all."
     I narrowed my eyes, fuming silently. "I'll kick his ass next time I see him," I assured her, shaking my head in frustration, "Nobody makes my girl cry." My comment brought a genuine smile to Nina's face. No matter how true the comment was, I was glad she'd found it funny. Her smile, however small, made me almost want to forget asking what I asked next. "What did you argue about?"
     Just like that, Nina's smile faded again. "You remember that dream I had last month that scared me shitless?" she asked quietly.
     How could I forget? I nodded. "Yeah."
     "Remember there was that friend that woke me up, telling me I was late?" she sighed, looking up at me. I nodded again. So did she. "That was Matt," she revealed, "That's why I was so nervous seeing him again. Because it made me think of that dream and what it felt like to lose everything I love."
     She paused for a long time, not looking at me. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to comfort her or what. I wished I could tell what she was thinking about. Finally, she looked over at me and cleared her throat, like she'd forgotten I was sitting there.
     "We were talking about you," she said softly, finally answering my question, "He doesn't approve of our relationship. He thinks I should break up with you, says it'll be easier if I end it now."
     I stared at her blank expression, not really sure how to react to that. Who was Matt that he got a say in her relationships? She'd told me that she was an only child, so he couldn't be a brother. Even if he was that boy she'd dated when she was fifteen, what right did that give him to comment on her love life now? From that expression on her face, it seemed that his opinion carried some weight, even if I couldn't understand why. I couldn't tell what she was going to do.
     "Tell me you're not gonna listen to him," I muttered, still watching her. Oh God, what if he'd convinced her to leave me? What was I supposed to do then? I'd still have to see her every day of tour, still wanting her, still caring.
     She blinked and then smiled a little, stifling a laugh. "Rockstar," she snickered, "Do you really think I'd be sitting in this car next to you, about to go meet your parents if I was gonna listen to him?"
     At the sight of her smile, the very thought of her ending our relationship disappeared. I let out a sigh of relief with a slightly embarrassed laugh. Why had I even doubted her? She'd told me how she felt ages ago. Had I not even been paying attention all the times she'd said it since? She shook her head, still grinning at me.
     "We're gonna be late if we don't get moving," she told me, giving me a sidelong glance from the passenger seat. I smirked and straightened in my seat, reaching behind me for my seat belt. Without another word, I put the car into gear and pulled forward, out of the alley next to Nina's building.
     There wasn't a lot of traffic on Christmas morning; most of the holiday rush had already passed by the time the actual holiday rolled around. Christmas songs were playing faintly on the radio, as they always did this time of year. Nina had turned it down when Frosty The Snowman started playing. There are only so many times you can hear that song before you go insane.
     We didn't talk a lot, but the silence between us was comfortable. I couldn't help my mind from wandering back to Matt and Emma, though. Nina said they were just friends, so that was all they were as far as I was concerned. But if that was all they were, then they didn't get a say. I glanced over at Nina. She looked distracted as she watched the world pass by outside her window. She still seemed just as concerned about Matt as I did. Maybe she was more concerned about my parents, though. I couldn't tell.
     "You alright?" I asked, paying attention to the road. She glanced over at me and nodded, but she didn't look alright. "Is this about Matt or my parents?"
     "Maybe a little of both," she admitted.
     I glanced at her again to find her staring out the windshield. "Babe, Matt shouldn't bother you," I said as I drove. I shrugged. "I mean, who cares if your weird-ass friend approves of us? Hell, who cares if our parents approve of us? Y'know? They're not us. They can shove it," I declared, "because I love you." I paused for a second. I didn't have to look over to know that Nina was staring at me. I shrugged again and added, "And I don't care what they think."
     She didn't say anything for a good long minute. I glanced over at her a couple times over the duration of her silence. She looked like she didn't know what to say. Now I knew what she felt like whenever I didn't say it back; it was a lot more nerve-wracking being on the receiving end of the silence. Here Comes Santa Claus could faintly be heard from the radio. After what seemed like half the song, she finally spoke.
     "That's the first time you've said that to me," she said, almost whispering.
     Still watching the road, I nodded. "I wanted to be sure," I said, almost as quietly as her. It was a sensitive subject. "Sure that I wasn't still thinking of Dorothea when I said it, y'know?" I explained, "It wouldn't be fair to you for me to tell you that then go crawling back to her if she called." I didn't look over, but I could feel her eyes on me.
     "So does this mean you wouldn't?" she asked. Her voice sounded strange. I couldn't figure out what that tone was.
     I looked over at her with a confused expression. "Do you want me to?"
     "No!" Nina replied almost immediately. I was surprised by how quickly she'd answered. She was normally a lot more cautious and thoughtful about everything she said. Her sudden answer seemed to surprise her as well. I wasn't sure if she was surprised that she'd said it or that she'd said it so quickly. She blinked at the floor for a minute and then smiled shyly up at me.
     I couldn't help but smile at that. "Like I said before, babe," I snickered, watching the road, "She doesn't want me." I looked away for a fraction of a second so I could take her hand. "Even if she did," I added, looking over at her, "I'm in love with someone else."
     She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. "But you were so cute when you didn't know how to respond!" she giggled, shaking her head.
     "What was I supposed to say?" I defended.
     "How about 'thank you'?"
     I shook my head, laughing, "That sounds so pompous!"
     Nina giggled again. I glanced over at her and grinned. She seemed to be a lot happier than when she'd gotten in the car. She smiled and put her hand over mine in hers.
     "It doesn't matter," she sighed, "I always knew." I looked over at her. She was smiling at nothing in particular, probably thinking about some fun moment we'd had together. She looked back at me went on, "I could tell by the way you treated me. You've always treated me better than anyone I've ever known. I really don't deserve you."
     "Yeah, I know," I sighed. Nina scoffed and slapped my hand gently to get my attention. When I looked over at her, she looked like she wasn't sure if she was supposed to be amused or offended. Unaffected, I turned my attention back to the road. "You deserve so much better," I clarified with an affectionate smile in her direction.
     Nina smirked and tried not to laugh, but she failed. "Oh-ho-ho-ho, smooth," she laughed, nodding. I grinned at her and chuckled a little too. That smile was enough for me; I didn't feel the need to cheer her up anymore. "Ooh!" Nina cheered, reaching over and turning up the radio. The Peanuts theme was playing and Nina started dancing.
     By the time we arrived at my parents' home in Sayreville, the whole encounter with Nina's friends seemed to be forgotten. The car ride had erased and sign of tears from Nina's face. Other that the nervous look in her eyes, she looked like the happiest girl in the world. I knew those nerves would settle, too, once she actually met my family.
     Stepping out onto the curb, I glanced over at my girlfriend and then followed her gaze to my childhood home. The front yard seemed smaller than I'd remembered, but then again, I guess everything seems bigger when you're younger. The "16 Robinhood Dr" that Dad had painted on the mailbox on the porch was starting to fade, but it was obviously still visible enough to serve its purpose, considering there were papers, presumably old mail, peeking out from under the lid.
     The door was standing open with the screen door shut, which meant my mom was either listening for the car or the kitchen was getting warm from all the cooking she did during the holidays. Whichever it was, she must have heard us, because she was already approaching the door when I led Nina, basket of cookies in hand, up the front steps.
     "Johnny!" Mom declared excitedly, opening the screen door for the two of us.
     I held the door open and waved Nina on in front of me. She looked so anxious, so out of her element. I'd never seen her like that before. With an encouraging smile, I put a hand on the small of her back and pushed her toward the door. Nina glanced up at me as I ushered her into the house. I watched her eyes fall to my mother and she smiled awkwardly.
     Once we were inside and the screen door was shut once more, I turned to my mom and threw my arms around her. She was the greatest. She and Dad had always supported whatever my dreams were growing up. They came to every show. Mom especially was always so sure that I'd make it, but that might have just been because she's my mom.
     She patted my cheek and then looked over at Nina. "So you must be the girl I heard on the phone," Mom began with a knowing glance in my direction before she let me go. I was thankful that the television was on in the living room to cover the sounds of our conversation. Nina nodded at her with that same awkward smile.
     "I'm Nina Artelle," she said in a remarkably even tone, despite that uncomfortable expression on her face, "I, uh, I made cookies." She held up the basket and pulled back the top cloth to reveal the abundance of baked goods underneath. "There's peanut butter, chocolate chip, sugar sprinkle, gingerbread, and lemondrop," she recited, rolling her eyes up as if looking toward her brain would help her remember.
     My mom was delighted. "Matty's gonna love you," she laughed. Nina seemed confused, but Mom just waved it away as she continued, "Really, though, it's perfect! I haven't gotten to cookies yet! Now I don't have to make them!" Mom put her hands on Nina's shoulders. "Thank you so much!" she sighed.
     Nina smiled and looked over at me for a minute. She seemed surprised when my mom took the basket from her hands and set it on the table. Poor Nina had no idea what to with her hands without that basket, so she stuck them in her pockets.
     Mom smiled at her and then at me. "So how to do you know each other?" she asked.
     "She's the sound girl on tour," I said. It wasn't a lie. Nina stepped a little closer to me as Mom gave the two of us a knowing look. Uh oh. She knew. How did she do that? She always knew. She'd known the first time I'd introduced her to Dorothea back when she was still dating Bobby. It was like a super power.
     "Oh so you two aren't dating?" she asked innocently. I'd prepared for this, knowing there was no way I'd be able to bring a girl home without someone asking if we were dating. I knew what I was going to say, but before I could say a single word, Nina stepped up next to me and took my hand.
     She got her words out first. "No, we are," she corrected.
     My attention snapped to her. What? Had she just said that? She looked up at me with a cute little smile and scrunched up her nose. It took me a minute to realize that my jaw had literally dropped. Even though I realized it, all I could do was shake my head.
     "Uh," I started stupidly, turning back to my mom, "Yeah, we are. We've been keeping it private for a lot of reasons. So, uh, so don't tell anybody." I was still pretty dumbfounded that she'd just said that. It was astonishing. I knew we wouldn't be keeping it a secret forever, but it was just weird hearing her tell someone after how adamantly she'd insisted we keep it quiet.
     Nina leaned her head on my shoulder. "I realized that I didn't want to ask him to lie to his mother," she chuckled. Oh, well that made sense, I guess. Mom chuckled too and thanked her. I smirked a little at the exchange. They seemed to be getting along well.
     "I'm so happy for you two!" Mom blubbered excitedly. She stepped over and pulled Nina into a hug. I tried not to laugh as I watched Nina very uncomfortably wrap her arms around Mom and gently hug back. Mom came to me next and I smirked at Nina over her shoulder. Nina only gave me a wide-eyed look. Mom stepped back and held me at arm's length. "I can tell your father, right?"
     I smirked and nodded. "Yeah, but don't tell Anthony and Matty. Especially Matty."
     "Of course not!" Mom scoffed, "Nothing's secret if Matty knows." Nina stifled a laugh. Mom and I both smiled over at her. She looked away awkwardly. Mom turned her smile back to me and pointed to the living room. "Your Dad is in the living room with the boys, go introduce your friend," she instructed. I nodded and held a hand out to Nina. Mom disappeared back into the kitchen, leaving me to show Nina around.
     I stuck my head in the doorway to see where the my brothers were. They were both seated on the couch. Matthew was watching A Christmas Story with my dad, and Anthony was fiddling with a video recorder. I smirked over my shoulder at Nina before stepping into the room and waltzing as quietly as I could across the floor. My dad noticed me, though, before I could get over to the couch.
     "Jon!" he declared, pushing out of his arm chair. Matthew looked over the top of the couch and grinned from ear to ear before bounding out of his seat as well. He beat my dad to me and gave me the biggest bear hug his twelve year old arms could manage. Anthony rose from his seat too, but he wasn't looking at me.
     "You brought a girl," Anthony observed, still looking past me as he stepped around the couch. I grinned. It was only natural that Anthony, being nineteen, would notice Nina first. I mean, she was hot. As I turned to face Nina, Matthew let go of me and stepped to the side so he could see her as well.
     "That's not Dotty!" he said without thinking and unflatteringly loud.
     "Matty!" I scolded quietly as I reached over and flicked the side of his head. Matthew frowned at the nickname and flicked my arm in retaliation. Dad flicked the other side of Matthew's head as he came around the other side of his youngest son.
     "Don't be rude," he told Matthew. He patted my back with a friendly smile and then looked over at Nina. "Merry Christmas," he greeted warmly. He waved her toward us with that dazzling smile that he'd passed on to me. "Don't worry, they don't bite," he chuckled. Nina smiled shyly but made her way across the room anyway.
     I motioned to her, looking around at the other three Bongiovis. "This is my friend Nina," I announced with a small smile as she approached, "She works with us on tour." I put a hand on my dad's shoulder and said, "Nina, this is my dad." Nina shook his hand with a nervous smile. I dropped that same hand onto my youngest brother's head and added, "My little brother, Matty."
     "Matthew!" the boy corrected, glaring at me. Amused, I raised an eyebrow at him and then grinned at Nina.
     "Sorry," I scoffed sarcastically, "Matthew." Nina giggled a little too. Matthew held out a fist and waited to see what she would do. Nina didn't even hesitate before reaching out and returning the fist bump. Matthew grinned and crossed his arms. Apparently he approved. Finally, I pointed to my other brother, who was still standing at the end of the couch. "And that's Anthony," I finished.
     Anthony stepped toward her with his hand outstretched. "You can call me Tony," he told her as they shook hands. She nodded and smiled, but didn't say anything until she'd stepped back and stuffed her hands in her pockets.
     "It's nice to meet you all," she said timidly.
     My dad motioned toward the couch as he started toward the doorway. "Please, make yourself comfortable," he insisted, "I'm going to grab some eggnog. Nina, would you like some?"
     Nina just smiled and shook her head as she stepped over to the couch. "No, thank you."
     "How about you, Jon?" Dad offered.
     "Uh, nah, I'm good, Dad," I replied.
     Anthony picked up his camera and moved to sit in the arm chair opposite Dad's so that there would be room on the couch for Nina and me. I sat down in the seat he'd just vacated and Matthew vaulted himself over the back of the couch, like he knew he wasn't supposed to, so that he could sit next to me. Nina walked around the back of the couch and sank into the last remaining seat.
     I watched Anthony offer Nina a friendly smile before returning his attention to his video camera. I glanced at Nina as well. She smiled and then looked over at the movie on the television. Matthew gave me the briefest glance before turning to Nina and asking if she'd seen the movie before. While they were distracted, I leaned toward Anthony.
     "What do you think of her?" I asked quietly. My brother looked up at me over his glasses and then glanced over at Nina.
     When he looked back at me, he shrugged. "Eh. Not my type, but she's cool," he answered. He held up his camera and pressed a button before adding in a mumble, "Can't really say, though. I just met her."
     I leaned back in my seat with a smirk just in time to hear Matthew ask Nina, "So are you dating my brother?"
     I was just about to scold him again, but Nina spoke first. "Noo," she snickered with a shake of her head, "He's my boss. Bad idea. You should never date your bosses."
     "What if he wasn't your boss?" Matthew suggested, "Would you date him then?"
     Nina looked over Matthew's head at me, pursed her lips, and shook her head. "Nah, my boyfriend would get pretty upset if I did that," she sighed, looking back at Matthew.
     "You've got a boyfriend?" Matthew groaned. Nina nodded and Matthew turned to look at me. "What did you bring her for?" he asked. I gaped at him, even though Nina was trying not to laugh at my brother's reaction.
     "Twerp!" I scoffed, smacking Matthew's arm, "She's my friend!" I wrapped an arm around his head and pulled him toward me. He laughed, but tried to escape as I gave him a noogie. "Stop being nosy and leave her alone," I demanded, finally letting him go. He leaned away, but grinned at me all the same, rubbing the top of his head.
     Dropping his hand, he asked, "Are we gonna play football?"
     "Uuuh," I sighed, leaning over to look out the window. Snow was falling outside. I could only assume it had just started. It wasn't snowing when Nina and I had gotten there. I grimaced at the thought of getting out in that. "We can later," I agreed reluctantly, "If it stops snowing."
     Matthew grinned again and looked over at Anthony. "Tony, you in?"
     Anthony pointed his camera at the three of us on the couch and then shrugged, putting the camera down. "Sure," he said, "Why not?"
     I glanced over at Nina and rolled my eyes as my little brother cheered in excitement. It wasn't like three boys could play a real game of football, but it was close enough for Matthew. Maybe some of his friends down the block could join us for a game in the street. If we were really lucky, we'd be able to coax some of Anthony's friends out as well. Either way, it was kinda up to Mom and the weather.
     "Matty," Dad's voice called from the doorway. We all turned to look at him, Matthew leaning over the back of the couch to see around me. Dad held up the basket of cookies that had been left on the table. "Look what Jon's friend brought with her," he said.
     "A basket?" Matthew challenged.
     Dad pulled one of the cookies out of the basket. Despite the size of the cookie, the bright yellow color was unmistakable. I looked back at Matthew's face as he realized what Dad was holding. Another giant grin grew across his face and he turned back to Nina.
     "You brought lemondrops!" he proclaimed excitedly, "Those are my favorite!"
     "She made lemondrops," I corrected as Matthew hopped off the couch to retrieve a cookie. When his feet hit the ground, he first looked at me and then over at Nina.
     With an approving nod, he pointed at Nina emphatically. "You rock! I like you!" he proclaimed. Nina and I both laughed as Matthew darted off to get a lemondrop.
     Mom was right of course, those cookies made Matthew love Nina. My parents seemed to love her, too, which made me very happy. As I knew it would, Nina's anxiety faded away, letting her enjoy all the old photos of me that my mom so eagerly shared with her. That experience, alone, completely distracted her from the fact that my little brother, Anthony, was immortalizing her in his recording of Bongiovi Christmas '86. She seemed to be having a lot of fun. She even joined our game out in the street, which, of course, turned into a neighborhood snowball fight.
     Afterwards, Matthew and Anthony took up all the space in front of the fireplace, leaving Nina and me to find our own way to warm up. I motioned for her to follow me as I went upstairs to retrieve some blankets. I unfolded a quilt from the hall closet and draped it around her as she took in her surroundings.
     "Which one was yours?" she asked quietly as I pulled a blanket out for myself. I looked over my shoulder at her to find her looking around at the doors. With a grin, I wrapped myself in my blanket and steered her toward what used to be my bedroom.
     I opened the door and stepped into what now served as a guest room for when family came to visit. It looked so different from when I'd lived there. I turned back to Nina, who was still standing in the doorway. I reached over and pulled her into the room with a smirk, pushing the door shut behind her.
     "I'm still cold," I whispered, leaning closer to her. She leaned away with a knowing grin.
     "I'm not doing that with your parents right downstairs," she whispered back.
     I chuckled a little. "Why not? I did all the time, never got caught once," I bragged. She scoffed, but snickered at me all the same, still shaking her head. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her toward me, cocooning both of us in my blanket. I could feel her wrapping her arms, blanket and all, around my middle and hugging back.
     "Warm enough yet?" she asked playfully, leaning her head on my shoulder. I nodded, but didn't say anything. I was thinking about earlier in the car, what I'd said to her. It was crazy how long I'd waited to tell her that. She looked up at me, probably wondering why I was so quiet.
     I smiled at her. "I can't believe I waited this long to tell you I love you when I've loved you for so long," I sighed. I brought a hand up and brushed some hair away from her eyes. She wrinkled her nose at me, making me chuckle a little. "I mean, you said it a few months in," I snickered, "Even if you didn't mean to."
     She made a face and then giggled too. "Even if I didn't mean to say it," she said quietly, "I still meant it." She shifted around in my blanket so that she could put her arms around my neck. It was weird with her blanket still hanging from her arms, but it just made us both laugh. She smiled, finally settled, and went on gently and genuinely, "I loved you then, and I love you now." Her voice got quieter as she leaned closer to me. "And I've loved you every second in between..." She trailed off and moved in like she'd kiss me. With only an inch to spare, she added, "..Except that one time."
     I pulled away from her in surprise. "What? What do you mean that one.." I stopped when I noticed the grin she was trying to conceal. A small grin grew on my face as well and I nodded. "You're fucking with me, aren't you?"
     She giggled, "Yeah, I'm fucking with you."
     I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. "God, why am I with you?" I scoffed sarcastically. She only smiled back, unconcerned with my sarcasm.
     "Because you love me," she said, leaning forward to close the space between us again.
     I nodded and, just before I kissed her, replied softly, "Yeah....yeah, that would be it."