I'm Okay - Corpse Husband

I'm not Okay

His hands where shaking more then usual, him being clearly nervous and a bit scared of what was going to come that very night.

Well, the correct word would be ''terrified'' but on his almost useless attempt to stay calm and positive he wanted to avoid that word at all costs.

It had been such a long time since he last met up with anyone and now he was on his way to meet with multiple internet personalities on a party (of all places) and without anyone he had met up before (in real life I mean)

He had spent a big chunk of this year talking, playing and Live Streaming with the Offline Tv people with whom he had made a pretty solid friendship. They were all so friendly and supportive of him, pretty much babysitting him through his huge blow up he had this year thanks to them and others. That's probably the only reason he even considered going to this party but now he was regretting accepting and commiting himself to attend.

He was driving faster than he should off but he didn't even realize with the flood of social anxiety that was getting on his head.

''Just turn around'' ''They'll understand if you dont come'' ''Tell them you had a small accident and you couldn't arrive'' ''Tell them you had a flair up of your symptomps and couldn't go''

Well, aside from the fact that the OTV people had put this ''get together'' (it was barely a party since it had around 10 people attending) especifically for him to be comfortable only meeting up with people he already knew through their sessions and that understood his privacy situation, he was pretty confident that they would still understand. They were some of the most understanding and friendly people he had met in a long time... but... they would probably still feel a bit disappointed.

Corpse hated that. Hated that he was seriously considering disappointing his friends cause' his anxiety and health issues. Hated that those factors had robbed him of so many great experiences thoughout his life. Hated that they were still doing it.

But mostly, he hated that he was so convinced that that would happen for the rest of his life.

After losing himself to those thoughts everything started to blur around him, he felt like his eyepatch was growing throughout his face and started to completely block his vision.

He forgot that he didn't even wore his eyepatch while driving.

His mask (that was always on) didn't allow him to breathe and his throat started to burn like hell. He couldn't properly move the rest of his body so he quickly stopped the car pulling it over to the side as quick and safely as he could. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he could barely move. This wasn't a flair up, this was a panic attack. He knew them both well enough for him to know the difference and to know how to handle it.

He laid back on his seat and just started looking at his surroundings trying to focus his thoughts into describing them. First, he looked at the time: 09:42 pm, it was pretty early still he thought, then he stared at his hands fondly remembering about all the attention they got back when he started blowing up, he looked at his nails and started counting his fingers. he was already feeling a bit better. He looked outside through his polarized window and remembered that it had been raining throughout the night so he managed to direct his thoughts into thinking about his last song, ''Agoraphobic'', and started reciting his lyrics while staring outside as he slowly recovered his cool. 

He whispered ''I'm not Okay'' longer than he had to.

When he felt like himself again, he decided not to go to the party. He was already too rilled up about everything and he didn't think he'd had it in him to go through all of that after this little incident. ''They'll understand'' he said to himself, both sure and saddened about that statement.

- I don't want to feel like this.- He said, whispering to himself, as he slowly turned his head to the right window smirking a little bit to his choice of words.

-Fuck.

He had arrived right outside of the OTV house for a while now.