My Hamilton OTP's One-Shots {CLOSED}

Emotionless - Jamilton (Angst)

Requested by:

|TW: Death, blood, sadness, Hanahaki|

|Hamilton|

It was just an office crush. That's what it was. At first. But then it became more. It hurt to find out that he fell in love. It hurt more to know that that person made him suffer. They didn't love them back. I could hear the coughing from my office. I knew what it was immediately and he didn't say anything. He got up and left. When he returned, he wasn't the same. He seemed... emotionless. He said he was fine. I knew he wasn't.

He got the surgery.

It felt like someone had pierced my heart. He couldn't love. He couldn't feel. He was emotionless. I thought that my office crush would be over. But it wasn't. It only increased. When I woke up one morning and turned on my side, feeling the sudden urge to throw up, nothing came out. My throat was dry. My chest hurt and my insides felt like they were screaming to be released. I ran to my bathroom and tried everything I could. And then I coughed. I coughed just once, into my bathroom sink. And I screamed. I stared at the blood-covered petal.

"This is really bad, mon ami. I don't know what you should do."

"I've already decided, Laf. I know what I'm going to do."

"No, you can't! Herc and I-"

"Laf, this isn't the same. You and Herc can actually love each other back. But Thomas got the surgery so he can't and I'm not telling him. Out of the question."

"You can't get the surgery! You'll be an emotionless blob, Alex. It's so hard to try and reconnect with my friend since they got the surgery, I can't let you do the same."

"Well it's not your choice to make, is it?"

Laf stood up, teary-eyed. "Fine. If you want to spend the rest of your days wandering the Earth wondering why you don't feel anything, be my guest," he said. "Laf-" he waved me off and left out the door. I sighed, laid on my bed, and buried my face in my pillows.

The next few days were tough. I could feel my lungs swelling. It became harder to breathe. More blood and petals were coughed into my trashcans. I took several days off work. I was basically bedridden and alone. As always. I could feel myself slipping away as the day of the surgery arrived. My heart pounded as I was taken to the operation room. As the doctors checked in with me one last time. As my vision blurred and faded due to the anesthesia. And then it was dark.

I felt... nothing. Like feelings were a distant dream. As if they never existed in the first place. When I saw Thomas, I felt nothing. Neither did he, I think. It was better this way. And when I saw him, I told him.

"Jefferson."

"Yes, Hamilton?"

"I thought I should let you know- I was in love with you. But you didn't love me. So I got a special surgery that you're probably familiar with-"

"Y- you what?"

"I said that I was in love with you, but it brought me pain so I got rid of it."

"Why? Why would you do that and not tell me before?"

"Why do you care?"

And then it hit me. He cared. He never got the surgery. He didn't have the Hanahaki disease. He wasn't in love with someone else. How could I be so stupid as to mix up the effects of grief and a emotion removing surgery? He wasn't emotionless, he was numb.

"Because I have feelings, Alexander."

"Oh."

I start walking away.

"Alex! What- Alexander!"

I just ignore him and continue walking. That's all I did. I didn't even cry when he died of the disease. I didn't cry when I read that he felt the same, but he wasn't going to live emotionless. I didn't cry in guilt because it's my fault I couldn't love him back anymore. I just walked. Walked until I was met with end of the Earth. Or my time on Earth. And that was it. I didn't feel anything when my heart stopped beating. But I did feel something, when I saw him again.

---

I know it's not that sad, but I kinda rushed the process a bit. I cried the entire time I wrote this as well.