Lightyears away

Lies Lies and more Lies

' That feeling where you're not necessary sad , but you just feel really empty. '

I look out of my small window up at the stars. The one advantage of living around here is that there are barely any fumes preventing me from seeing the stars, and the house is pretty tall so I have a perfect view. I gaze out at the dark blue sky up to where stars were now starting to appear. Jace always said that the brightest star in the sky was the north star, and that you could always follow the north star to safety. Jace was my north star. He was always my safety. So when I  look up at the sky I like to pretend the north star is him looking down at me, looking out for me. I look down at the crumpled pictures that were worn down from me holding on to too tightly. I only had a couple in my hand, I really didn't have much evidence that I didn't just appear into this world as a teenager.  These pictures were most definitely the one thing I'd save from a burning building ,they were the only thing that reminded that I still had a family, that they weren't just some fantasy I made up in my head. The first one was of Jace, me and her. We were sitting in one of those hole in the wall restaurants and I had spaghetti all around my mouth and I was smiling wildly at Jace. It was his birthday and every year we got spaghetti at a different restaurant. I loved that picture, mainly because the way Jace looked at me, reminding me I was once loved. The next one was of me, Escimo, and Mya; the rest of my family. We were all at a bar drinking cheap margaritas, drunk off our asses, laughing at the camera, I missed them.  I was very Young in the next one ,probably only about 6 moths-old, and it was of me and what I could only assume the rest of my biological family. It looked like a family photo, we were all wearing moss Green. The boys in the photo wore these awful velvet green trousers and tie and the girls wore velvet green dresses apart from one girl in the photo who also wore a green tie and trousers, that was the only part of the photo I smiled at. I had attained it at the back of her closet when I was moving out. It seemed to have been carelessly tossed in the back of the wardrobe and long forgotten. I'm not sure why I kept it in all honesty. I like to say I hate these people, these people that let her take me but I knew deep down I didn't, I couldn't. They weren't my family, I could agree with that much, but I don't think I could hate these people, I didn't know them, it wouldn't be fair to have a vendetta against anyone in that family, and anyway, they led me to Jace. I sighed ,looking at the last picture. I wasn't in this one, it was of Jace and my uncle David. He was the only family from Jace's side that would visit us. From what I know Jace was from a pretty rich family but when he wanted to model instead of taking over the family buissness he got kicked out and came to this shit hole. He met her at a modelling gig and I guess the rest is history. When he got sick his family didn't know so he was stuck paying for therapy with his shitty income, they only found out he died once he was gone. I remember the day they did though. The Aleece's had visited about a moth after his death. It was a peaceful affair in the hospital. But His last day is one I choose not to remember. But they had arrived at or house and I remember them screaming at my mother violently while she just stood there like she couldn't care less. I think she stopped loving Jace a while back anyway. She took the shouting but refused to answer questions they asked and tried to kick them out but that's when they saw me. I had been hidden in my room at the time and after that they had a new set of questions about me. David was able to answer most of them whilst I hid behind his back and the whole thing was a mess. As David was talking to his fuming parents I remembered that Jace had given me  an envelope a while back and told me specifically to give it to them so he must have predicted something like this would happen. I was contemplating not giving it them a first because it was the last thing Jace gave to me and I wanted to hold on to that but I knew I had to. I remember building up the courage to do it and when I handed her the letter I watched eagerly as she opened it hoping for an inkling of what the content of the letter was but all I saw was Lily Aleece go pale and she then showed it to her husband who also went ghostly before she announced they were leaving and I never saw them again. I remember David giving me a pitying look when he left, like he knew this would be the last time I would see him, thinking about it he probably did. We didn't have a funeral for Jace; we couldn't afford one. I remember having one in the local grave yard by myself, I had buried Jace's signature ring in a little it of ground and put some hand picked daisy's on it and said my goodbyes, then I got chased out by security. Jace did have a proper grave somewhere across the state and a proper ceremony from what I heard, I was glad he did, he deserved a proper send off.  I couldn't help but resent the fact that I felt I had to keep these pictures. They were like silent wishes that I pretended to let go of years ago but still couldn't manage, there's still part of me that wishes that she never left and that I was part of that family, because it would have saved me so much heart break. This is the part where I cry, where I break down mad at the world for what could've been but I found out long ago tears help nothing, and anyway, I'm not sure I have any tears left. The stars were coming out full force now, uniting to light up the sky. I smiled. They always made me feel protected, like they were all there for me. Obviously that's utter shit but it doesn't hurt to pretend.