Love or Hate

Chapter 14: Insecure

       TW:cutting
       (Time Skip) 3 months later
                             Alex's POV

It's been three months since Jayden and I started dating and we're going great but we're starting to argue more often. It started over little things but it's starting to get crazy. It's starting to affect me that I love Jayden and I tell him that but he doesn't say it back.

"Jayden why don't you say it back?" I asked irritated. "Because I don't feel it yet, Alex I care about you so so much but I can't tell you I love you because I'm not ready and if I tell you now I won't mean it and it won't mean the same" he said. "I tell you I love you all the time and when you don't say it back it hurts, because it makes me feel like you don't care anymore" I said standing up.

"Are you serious taking it there?" He asked. "Damn right I'm taking it there, you don't realize how much you hurt me on the daily when you don't say it back" I said getting mad. "Alex stop talking to me like I'm a problem, you don't struggle with the stuff I struggle with" he said getting visibly pissed. Now I'm really getting heated.

"I don't know what struggle is? I'm biracial, meaning I'm half Black and half Mexican, I was born and raised in The Bronx, and on top of that I'm gay so don't tell me I don't struggle!" I yelled. "First of all, don't yell at me if you don't want me to go there alright. Second of all I get all of what you said but you don't struggle with the same stuff I do mentally so it's different" he said taking his hoodie off. Whenever he takes his hoodie or jacket off I know it's about to go down.

"I know that and I try my best to understand and help you but you keep pushing me away and I love you and want you to love me back but you don't seem to care so I'm done going back and forth with a stubborn asshole" I said putting my shoes on. "Good because I'm done talking to an insecure little bitch!" He exclaimed going to his room. Jayden knows how insecure I can be and for him to use that against me really hurts my feelings.

I start to tear up walking in my home and I walk into the kitchen and sat with my mom. "Alex ¿qué te pasa?" My mom asked. "Jayden and I got into a big argument" I said. "Mi amor what was it about?" she asked. "I love him and I tell him I love him all the time and he still hasn't said it back and it hurts because I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore" I said.

"Alexander you can't rush love, it has to come naturally. Plus you know he struggles with a lot mentally so he may not want to say it yet because he's not ready and if you love him as much as you say you do then you need to understand that and let him move at his own pace" she said.

Jayden and I decided to tell my parents about Jayden's mental health issues so if he has a off day or is just not ok in a moment then they know why. My parents are very understanding people so they took it very seriously and don't judge him at all and try their best to help if they can.

"Ok mom I'll apologize to him tomorrow but I'm mentally drained so I'm going to bed. Goodnight" I said giving her a kiss on the cheek before I went to my room and went to sleep.

Jayden's POV

I'm leaning against the wall trying to stop crying but I can't stop. I didn't mean to call Alex out on his insecurities but I got defensive when he called me an asshole. I do tend to lash out and push people away when I get in my depressed state and I know it's bad but I don't know how not to. I decided to go to the bathroom and do something I haven't done in almost five months.

⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️
I grab my old razor and drag it slowly across my left forearm. The pain soon starts to numb as I think about the hurt look on Alex's face when I called out his insecurities. I think about all the pain I've caused him over the years and how he deserves so much better than me. I think about all the things my dad use to say and call me. I wish I could disappear from the world and not feel the constant pain just for existing. I continue to cut until I feel satisfied with the amount of scars on my arm. I clean the scars so they won't get infected and put the bandages on the cuts.
⚠️Trigger warning over⚠️

I finally stop crying and I make a promise to apologize to Alex tomorrow and hope we can move past this. I go to sleep wishing I hold him again.
(Next Day)

It's Saturday and I hope Alex will talk to me. I walked to his house and used my key that he gave to come in the house. I talk to his mom briefly before going to his room. I open the door and saw him getting dressed. He's wearing a crop top and ripped jeans, of course he looks hot but that's not what I'm here for.

"Hey" I said. "Hey" He said staring at me. After about five seconds of silence he sprinted to me and jumped and hugged me. "Baby I'm so sorry for not being understanding to your situation, I was being a bitch" he said wrapping his legs around my waist and holding me tight. "No bub I shouldn't have talked use your insecurities against you, I was acting like an asshole" I said rubbing his back.

"Look I understand that you may not be ready to say you love me back and I have to accept that and not pressure you. I know you care about me and you'll tell me when you're ready" he said. I put him down. "How did I get so lucky with you?" I asked quietly. "I don't know" he said teasingly. I kissed him and pulled him closer.

"I'm glad you wore your glasses today" he said playing with them. "I felt like I wearing, plus I know how much you love them on me" I said. "Because you look hot with them" he said. "Like how you look in that crop top. I said. He laughed lightly as we leave to go a little walk through the park.