Secrets (DreamNotFound)

1

TW's:
-Mental abuse
-Mentions homophobia
-Mentions divorce

Dream's POV

My plane took off early this morning. Normally I would be afraid, but not today. I was too excited for what was going to come. The whole Dream SMP was going to meet up. Well, most of them at least. Not only was I very excited, but I was pretty stressed too. I never showed my face to anyone but Sapnap. I guessed George had seen my face but not more than once on a stupid Snapchat picture. Oh and it included a filter. I guessed I was secretly too insecure, I always learnt to act though.

I grew up in a strict family of six, my parents and their four children. My parents always argued, ALWAYS. They never spoke normally to each other, it was always screaming. I moved out when I was seventeen, leaving my sister and brother alone with my parents. My parents never divorced, although everyone wished they would. They ruined my childhood.

My mum was very strict, when I was seventeen I still had a bedtime. I had to be in bed at nine and when I wasn't quiet enough, she always used to storm in. I wasn't allowed to play on my phone longer than one hour a day and I had to at least make my homework for two and a half hours a day. When I was eleven, I was already learnt to buy everything I needed myself. I went to the supermarket myself, I had to do my laundry myself, I basically had to do everything myself. I guessed that wasn't even the worse part.

When I had pain, I wasn't allowed to show that to anyone. When I cried, they squeezed my arms just as long till I stopped. I wasn't allowed to show my emotions, because that would be weak, they told me. I was a man and I wasn't allowed to show emotions. Even though my sister wasn't allowed to either. I had to always follow a diet so I didn't get too fat nor too thin. My parents wanted me to be perfect.

And I guessed I was perfect until I turned sixteen. Until I found out I also liked boys and not only girls. Until I found out I was bisexual. Until I found out I actually liked boys more than girls. I never came out, to no one. I just figured it would be better to move out before they figured out I was bisexual. I wasn't a perfect child, I was far from their ideal child.

They wanted a straight, though and kind child. In fact, I wasn't straight and I cried every night. They broke me, the fights broke me. Let's not even start about my father. My father was the boss in our house basically. He expressed his hate towards gay people often enough for me to understand not to come out. I could understand why my dad became like this, he got abused by his own parents in the past. Actually, I didn't understand why he would do the same to us. It wasn't really abuse I thought. He was just really strict and constantly checked on everything.

I was never allowed to be in my room alone and he read every single text I texted. He had to make sure I wasn't doing things I wasn't allowed to. Well that was hard, since I was almost not allowed to do anything. When I moved out I started making videos, he hadn't talked to me after he found out about my channel. Because I forgot to mention I wasn't allowed to watch YouTube either. He basically blocked it so we couldn't watch it via internet.

I spoke with my mum very less after I moved out and I must say that it was really difficult. I was very young and I didn't have anyone around me. I knew Sapnap back then, but he was the only one. He also didn't live close so I was always alone in my apartment. YouTube became my escape.

But still, I never fully recovered from everything they did to me. I became hard for myself, maybe even for others. I didn't show emotions, I didn't show anything of myself, I didn't show my face anymore. I was too scarred by everything that happened. I wanted to be who I wanted to be, but I was scared to be myself at the same time. I hid myself behind a mask, calling myself Dream. Clay? Clay was long gone.

754 words