Secrets (DreamNotFound)

2

TW's:
-Eating disorder (bulimia), with mentions of binges, mentions of compensation (throwing up/starving)
-Mentions body shaming, bullying
-Self hate

George's POV

I already spent four hours in the plane. I was happy, at least. I was happy for as happy I could be. I was never really happy and no one knew. I had hinted it towards Dream sometimes, but he didn't notice anything. How could he notice anything, there was nothing to see. It all started with my friends, well friends. They weren't friends, but I figured that out a little too late. I had three friends, two girls and one boy. I was always the kid eating the most, I wasn't fat at all, I was skinny but my friends thought otherwise.

They started body shaming me, it started gently but it ended up being so mean and hurtful that I started thinking. I loved food, but maybe they were right. I started seeing myself differently in the mirror than before. I wasn't that 'skinny' guy anymore, let's just say, I was that 'fat' guy now. My friends started laughing at me when I ate something, they made me insecure. I started regretting what I ate more and more.

They told me to starve, they told me it would work. They knew I was feeling fat and they said this would be the pro tip. I ate less and less, actually I never ate anything when my friends were around, I was too ashamed of myself. They supported me and I started losing weight, but it soon all turned around. As soon as my friend were gone, I got so hungry and I started eating. But not just eating, eating like a lot. I started binging everyday as soon as I was alone. I used to feel so extremely guilty about everything I ate so I purged it all out. This went on for a long time.

I guessed it was still going on. No one knew, I was too ashamed of myself. I started googling what was going on with me and found out about eating disorders. I firstly didn't want to believe it, I was fat and I wasn't acting enough like it, but I soon realised I wasn't acting normal anymore. I figured I had bulimia nervosa. I starved the whole day, ate around two tot four thousand calories in just a few minutes and purged everything again. I broke contact with my friends as soon as I realised what they got me into, but it was already too late.

I couldn't stop with binging and purging anymore. I tried asking for help, but I didn't dare too. Because I binged so often, I started gaining weight again. I remember the day I met my friends again exactly. They laughed at me because I gained weight again, they started body shaming me again. Saying I was extremely fat and I had to lose everything again. I told them about my bulimia, but they didn't believe me. I ran away from them, went home and started binging again. It all started when I was eighteen, six years ago.

I destroyed my body completely, I tried so much to stop myself but I couldn't. I didn't binge and purge as much as before, but it was still around once a week. I had good and bad days. I had days were I ate normally and felt a little happier, but I also had a lot of day were I starved and binged. It drove me insane. I wished to tell someone, but I was too scared. I didn't dare telling anyone because I was scared to be judged again. Maybe Dream would laugh too.

Or worse, maybe he would agree with the others. Agree that I would have to lose weight again, making everything even worse. Or he would be grossed out, of course he would. I made myself throw up, what was I expecting people to think about me. I was still figuring out how to hide it on our holiday. We would meet up for a few weeks, the chance I was going to binge was very big. I didn't want anyone to know, they would all agree with my old friends. They would all think I was crazy, because eating was a normal thing right? Well not for me. For me eating was real hell and I just wished it wasn't.

718 words