Secrets (DreamNotFound)

3

TW's:
-Mentions death family member
-Mentions paralysed family member
-Mentions car accident

Sapnap's POV

If you would ask me whether I was excited for the holidays or not, I had one simple answer. No, I wasn't. I had to leave my mum alone, alone whilst being very fragile. I wished it was already over but it wasn't. Life had been perfect, literally perfect. I grew up as an only child with my mum and dad. Life was amazing until I turned eighteen. Until a tragic accident killed my dad and left my mum paralysed forever. And the worst part, it was not even their fault. A stupid idiot decided to drive way higher than the speed limit and bumped into my dad's car.

My dad died within seconds, my mum tried escaping but she couldn't. Her legs broke so badly that she directly knew she would never be able to walk again. Of course she was happy she even survived, but I knew she secretly wished to have died. She only was happy to be here for me, even though I was the one being here for her. She couldn't walk, she couldn't do anything but laying in bed or moving around in a wheelchair. And I? I had to take care of her every day.

And I felt sorry to stay that I was exhausted. I made food, I went to the supermarket, I did every single thing in house. I cleaned, I washed clothes and no one helped me. I guessed I didn't ask for help either, but still. At least my aunt or uncle could have understood I needed some help in these times. My aunt was now taking care of my mum, but it still didn't feel right. Me leaving her for weeks, I was the only one she really had all day.

I used to sit next to her bed for hours just to talk with her and make her feel a little better, at least I hoped she would feel better. I couldn't move out, but I sometimes really wished to move out. My mum slept often so I couldn't talk too loudly whilst recording. The worst part? My friends didn't know about anything. Their lives were probably amazing, no stress no worries, I didn't want to bother them. I didn't want to bother their amazing lives. I didn't know whether their lives were perfect or not, but I just didn't feel like annoying them with my stuff.

I was just so exhausted, I didn't really sleep well. My mum needed so much care always. I loved my mum to death and I would do everything I could to make her feel better, but a life myself? I didn't really have one. I sometimes streamed and recorded videos but very less. Everyone always wondered why I didn't make as much videos as Dream and George did, well that was why. I didn't want anyone to see the bags under my eyes, I didn't want anyone to know I had no time at all and I wasn't happy.

I missed my dad, every single day got harder without him. He was my hero, the one I looked up to. I almost never had bad days before, my mum and dad always cheered me up. I noticed myself almost crying, but I had to stay strong. I couldn't cry about it, I had cried litres of tears already, I cried nights long. I actually cried days long. I missed my dad so much. He was really my hero, he was the light in my life. I couldn't even say how much I loved him, how much I still loved him at this point.

How could I let it go for a little? I needed to take a break from everything, but I couldn't. I just couldn't let it go. I had to take care of her, but I couldn't for weeks now. I trusted my aunt, but not enough. She never helped me and now she took care of my mum the whole day. I couldn't trust it, I just didn't want to trust it. What if something went wrong and I was far away from her? I would feel guilty forever. When would I ever get my life back? Would I ever get it back? I hated it this way.

713 words