When it Stops Hurting (Royce)

13

Jacob's P.O.V.

"Y-Yes, Pastor Wayne" I stammered, feeling close to tears, this was the second time he had my hair clutched in his tight fist.

"I can't hear you, Jacob" he stated.

"It's a sin" I whispered, biting my lip to keep myself from groaning in pain. "It's always been a sin and it always will be a sin".

"Do you want to change?"

"Yes". I was relieved when his fingers released my hair, I pushed myself away from him, my body hitting the wall, the cross hanging on the wall fell to the floor. I stared at it, wiping at my eyes. "I want to change".

The smile he gave me made my stomach churn, I felt like I would be sick at any moment. I didn't want to change, but I couldn't help but think Pastor Wayne would get into my head sooner or later.

"Pray" he instructed, "then I want you to meet me in the chapel". I watched him leave his office and I sat there, wondering what he would have me do next. I stood up after a few minutes, and walked to the chapel. There was a dull pain in my head, I massaged the sensitive area. I sat on a pew and sighed, Pastor Wayne walked into the chapel with a few pamphlets in his hand. He held them out for me, I slowly took them. I read the title of one: Returning to Heterosexuality.

I looked at Pastor Wayne, "you want your parents to speak to you again, correct?" My parents hadn't spoken to me in the past week, they thought shunning me was an efficient way to get me to change. I nodded a little, staring at the paper in my hand. "They'll only talk to you if you fix yourself and apologize to God for sinning. I assume you want them to not see you as some disgusting excuse for a human, as well?" I looked at him, my eyes becoming wet with tears, I fought to keep them from falling. Of course, I wanted my parents to acknowledge my existence, it hurt when they didn't speak to me or give me a bit of their attention. I wanted nothing more but for them to see me as their son again and not some lowlife sinner of God. "Do you want them to see you as their son?"

"Pastor Wayne, this is not fair" I said, "and you know it".

"Jacob, do you want them to see you as their son?"

I bit my lip, my sniffling the only thing that could be heard at the moment. I wanted to go back to how things used to be, I wanted to be seven again, when I was so hyperactive I had no time to worry about the fact that I liked boys. I longed to be able to wake up and have my mother and father greet me with smiles and 'good morning's, like they used to. Everything was okay before I went and told them I was gay. It was really all my fault, had I kept my mouth shut, I probably wouldn't be in the situation that I'm currently in. "They should already see me as their son" I spoke, my voice coming out completely weak.

"Jacob".

"Yes, Pastor Wayne" I murmured, "yes, I want to be seen as their son".

"I can help you".

"I bet you can" I said, rolling my eyes, tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked at him.

"Do you have a boyfriend, Jacob?"

"No" I lied. No way in Hell was I going to tell him about Chresanto, I loved Chresanto and I wasn't going to let anyone take him away from me, especially not some pastor. I folded my arms over my chest, I didn't say a word.

"Your parents want you baptized on Sunday" he said, moving onto the next topic. He didn't seem convinced about me not having a boyfriend, but I guess he'd bring it up again. "Dress appropriately".

"Of course" I murmured.

~~*~~

"You are to get baptized on Sunday" my mother stated calmly, it was the first time she had spoken to me in days.

"I know" I murmured, I watched her from my spot at the island of the kitchen, "mom..." I said, hoping she'd answer me and not brush me off like she usually would. She continued to move around the kitchen, "mom". She ignored me and I felt the disappointment creeping up on me, "mom".

"What is it, Jacob?" She finally asked, looking at me. "What do you want?"

The hostility in her voice made me regret ever trying to hold a conversation with her. "Do you regret ever giving birth to me?" I asked, it was a question I've been thinking about asking her. I needed to know if I was really a disappointment to her, if she really saw me as some sinner and not her son. "Do you ever wish you could get rid of me?" She looked at me, stopping what she was doing, her face was expressionless. I stared at her, waiting for something, anything to come across her face. I saw it, it was regret, but just as fast it appeared, it was gone.

"What?" She asked hesitantly, "excuse me?"

I pursed my lips, wondering why I ever asked. "Nothing" I replied, "never mind". I stood up, "I'm pretty sure I already know the answer anyway".

"Jacob".

I looked at her, "what? I'm right, aren't I? You regret ever having me in the first place, and you probably want me gone. I've come to pick up on your insensitive comments when you think I can't hear you". I walked to the door of the kitchen, wishing I wasn't living in the same house as her. "I'll be out of your way in less than two months".

"What do you mean?" The somewhat fearful expression she was giving off made me raise an eyebrow.

"What do you think I mean?"

"Suicide".

I frowned, sending a crude glare. "I'm not going to kill myself because you and dad are homophobic Christians". I chuckled, "but I bet you'd be fine with that, right?"

"Stop talking that way!"

"But it's true, mom!" I exclaimed, "you don't care about me anymore! It's... It's like I'm some stranger living under the same roof as you! You disowned me the day I came out. I ruined my life the day I told you and dad that I'm gay".

"Well then why did you even tell us, Jacob? You knew how we felt about homosexuals".

"You were bound to find out eventually, and who wants to lie about who they are their whole life? I just thought that you and dad would be able to set aside your beliefs for your own son" I spoke, ignoring the disappointed look she was giving me, "but I guess not". I walked out of the kitchen, passing my father who was just entering the house, he had a frown set upon his face. He looked at me, "I must speak with you and your mother" he spoke, stress noticable.

"You actually want to speak to me?" I asked.

"Jacob, I don't have the patience".

"Neither do I".

"Kitchen" he said as he pointed to the place I just left. I rolled my eyes, forcing myself back into the dreaded place. I ignored eye contact with my mother for obvious reasons. "I'm close to losing my title as VP of the firm. I decided to host a dinner this Friday, I've invited my boss to see if he could maybe reconsider".

"How many people am I cooking for?" I looked at my nails, noticing I had to paint them again. I began to contemplate if I should paint them navy blue or go with a different color, like black.

"Not including myself, you, and Jacob, you'll be cooking for four people, I'm pretty sure he's going to bring his wife and two sons". I watched my dad look at me, "I'll need you to behave yourself".

I scoffed, "what? Are you afraid I'm going to fuck them in the bathroom? I'm not a slut". He glared at me, I didn't take it to heart. "Who's the family anyway?"

"The August family".

I smiled a little, biting my lip to keep it relatively hidden. Chresanto's dad was my dad's boss? How interesting. I was going to have Chresanto over my house for the first time and it was all because my dad wanted to bribe his dad? I chuckled, "you're desperate" I murmured, "no one invites their boss to dinner anymore, this isn't some movie". I shrugged a bit, "but I mean, hey, if it gives you more hope and confidence". I walked out of the kitchen and up to my room, sitting down on my bed. I unlocked my phone and noticed I had a text message from Elijah.

Elijah: mom said yes.