When it Stops Hurting (Royce)

15

Jacob's P.O.V.

He's going to kill me. I was sure of it. I may not pay attention in church all the time, but I knew damn well that I was not supposed to be underneath the water for this long. My brain worked to figure out what was really going on as darkness began to nip at the corners of my vision. Were my parents still sitting on the first pew? Were they watching Pastor Wayne possibly attempt to drown me? Everything was really getting to me at this very moment, did I fight against the hand holding me underneath the water or do I let myself slip into unconsciousness?

It hurt to know that I wouldn't mind dying. If I died, I wouldn't have to be a victim to conversion therapy anymore. I felt myself being yanked upwards, air filling my lungs, I coughed violently as my hands trembled. I struggled to stay standing, considering my chest hurt and I felt lightheaded. I pushed my drenched hair from my face and stared at my mother, wondering if she was really going to let this happen to me. I was her only child! How was she going to let me go through conversion therapy? I didn't understand.

If I had known Pastor Wayne was going to force me back underneath the supposed Holy water, I would've taken a bigger breath, but I didn't, so I was freaking out because I knew I didn't have enough air.

My arms flailed to find Pastor Wayne, I could see nothing but the blurred ceiling. My hands were abruptly held together by an unknown figure, their grip tight. My lungs were burning from lack of oxygen and the darkness around the edge of my vision returned. This was it, this was how I was going to die. A fucked up preacher was going to drown me and my mom and dad were in the first pew watching, doing nothing.

My chest felt like it was on fire as my lungs screamed at me to breathe, and I did. I sucked in what I thought was air, but was really water, and regretted my choice as I began to cough and gag. I was forcibly pulled from the water, once again, and I dropped to my knees, a coughing and sputtering mess. I didn't know I was crying until a painful sob wracked my body.

"I'm sorry!" I cried, "okay?" I sniffed and rubbed at my throat, which had grown sore. "I am sorry".

"Sorry won't fix you". My breathing was irregular as I managed to look at Pastor Wayne, "you went behind God's back by committing a sin. You are a disgrace to this church and your family". I pushed my hair from my face and let my eyes search all of the people who actually came to watch my supposed baptism. I was not familiar with most of them, but I didn't have to be. They all hated me, I could see it on their faces.

"You allowed another male to touch you in a way that is inappropriate to God". He stepped up to me and abruptly slapped me. I cringed, I didn't have enough strength to yell at him, my lungs hurt, my head hurt, everything just hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if I just passed out. "You will go to Hell for your sin if you don't repent and change your disgusting ways". I was pulled to my feet, feeling nauseous. "When you think of the touch of a man, you will think of pain!" Another slap to my face caused me to stumble back, "you will realize the sin you are committing Jacob, and you will change".

"Yes, Pastor Wayne" I whispered, I chewed on my bottom lip to try and control my glazed over eyes.

"I want you to look at your parents and tell them you will change".

I turned to my parents, wishing they weren't such thing. They didn't treat me like their son, so why would I give them what they wanted? Why would I change for them? They don't deserve it, and I surely don't deserve it, either. My parents have never allowed me to be myself without adding their own religious beliefs. I didn't deserve to be here, they didn't deserve me telling them that I'd change. "I'm going to change" I said, my voice coming out hesitant, "I'm sorry I'm a disgrace".

I took a small step back, wanting to leave. I didn't want to be here anymore, all of these people were watching me slowly break down. A hand to my cheek caught my attention, I hissed at the unbearable pain. "Please... Stop hurting me" I whimpered, I looked at Pastor Wayne, "I... I'm sorry I'm not normal, I'm sorry I'm a sinner. I didn't mean to come out this way, I don't want to be seen as disgusting... I just want to be loved, please".