When it Stops Hurting (Royce)

28

Elijah's P.O.V.

"You don't understand" I whispered, "you don't understand how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning". I stared at Steven, trying to figure out how to explain what it feels like to constantly be a disappointment. My mom was sitting beside him, I didn't want her to hear all the things that I needed to say, but I knew it was probably for the best.

"I wake up sometimes, wishing that I hadn't". I ignore his gaze, letting my eyes wander around the room. "You think this is something that can just be cured by taking some pills, but it's not" I said, "it's not something that is just going to go away, the scars are not going to go away, and the memories will not either. This isn't some phase, I have a fucking mental illness that has been ruining my life since my sophomore year".

I didn't know I was crying until I looked down and felt my tears land on my hands. I sniffled, wiping them away, "I'm not pretending to be unhappy just so you'll leave, I'm pretending to be happy so you won't, Steven. You make my mom happy, you understand that, right? She hasn't been happy in so long, and I just want her to be happy, even if it's not because of me. I will do anything if you just fucking stay with her, don't leave her like everyone else has, like I tried to do. I tried to kill myself multiple times because I just felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, it's selfish, I know".

I bit my lip, looking at him. I didn't think I'd have this conversation with him, I never thought I'd be telling him about my depression. "I have good days, and I have bad days... I can be happy and not have a care in the world, but the next, I could be itching for a blade. Depression isn't always 'oh, I wanna die!' No, don't think that, depression is hearing your friends say you're important, but then secretly thinking that they're lying. I need you to understand that when you marry my mom, you are going to have to deal with me, and I'm sorry".

"Steven" my mom said, she looked at him, giving him a soft smile. "If you don't think you can handle staying up late to make sure Elijah is okay, or having to lock all the knifes away, or keeping the medicine cabinet locked as well, I need you to not marry me". She shook her head a little, "if you think you can't handle a depressed teenager, I need you to tell me now, so I know not get my hopes up, because I'm not marrying a man who isn't going to care for my child just as much as I do. If you can't do it, don't marry me".

Jacob's P.O.V.

One more session. I just have to get through one more session. I can do this, right? I walked down the aisle of the chapel, my fingers running across the church pews. I walked to Pastor Wayne's office, knocking reluctantly.

"Come in".

I took a deep breath, slowly entering. My eyes landed on Pastor Wayne, he was sitting at his desk, his hands were resting on the surface. "You're five minutes late".

"I know" I murmured, I shifted my weight from foot to foot.

"Sit". I sat down, feeling uncomfortable.

"Would you like some water?"

"Um... Sure".

I watched him stand up, he walked to the small table on the right side of the room. A water pitcher sat, and a few class cups, as well as individual packs of saltine crackers. I fiddled with my thumbs, looking down at my lap. I didn't know if he knew I wasn't planning to come to another session, but I didn't want to bring it up. I looked up when I heard the glass cup being placed on the desk surface, along with a packet of crackers.

"I'm not hungry". I opened the packet of crackers after seeing the look he was giving me, I ate one, taking a sip of the water. I frowned slightly, clearing my throat, trying to get the extremely salty taste from my mouth.