FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

31.

Everything was quiet the morning after. Everything was still. Off. Nothing felt right. I ask myself if I made the right decision or did I let my emotions get the best of me instead of thinking everything through?

I love Evan. And I don't want to lose him because I didn't know how to handle my own emotions.

I force myself out of bed and get ready for another day at the hospital. My room is a mess. That's something I'll have to deal with when I get off. Along with the rest of the house, my mother will be here in two days and I wouldn't want my house looking a disaster when she walks through those front doors. Although I don't always have all the time on my hands being a first year surgical intern and hopefully that'll excuse me from her telling me a lady should always keep her house clean and welcoming if any unexpected guests should show up. Honestly, if someone shows up to my house unexpectedly then they have no right to feel any kind of way since they decided to show up unexpectedly.

I reach for my phone and grab it off my nightstand. My first instinct is to go into my call log and call Evan. Too soon. Maybe I should wait before talking to him.

Stella girl, what are you doing here?

I push the voice away and make my way to my shower. I take one good look at myself in the mirror. I let out a groan once I see the bags underneath my eyes. Not ideal. I turn the faucet on and splash cold water on my face. I hover over the sink momentarily before turning the sink off and slowly start removing my t-shirt and underwear. His t-shirt. I get a whiff of his scent. A hint of vanilla.

The hot water meets my skin, I let my head fall and let all my emotions wash away. I hope they wash away. My mind can't be full of distractions at work.

The traffic to work this morning was hell and did not help at all with my mood. I definitely need to stop by the cafeteria for a latte in order to survive the day. A part of me wishes I can skip out on work but I know damn well that's not an option for an intern.

"Good morning sunshine" Gigi sneaks up behind me. I hand the lady a $5 bill, she hands me my mocha latte.

"Morning" I say. My voice lacking any emotion. Gigi's perfect shaped eyebrows furrow.

"Everything okay? You look out of it"

"I broke it off with Evan" the words come out before I can even stop myself. Gigi has a facial expression I can't read.

"Babe. Tell me it's not because of this whole Savannah situation?"

I try to say it's not but what other reason would I have?

"Oh Stella, I love you and you're my best friend and I'm yours which is why I can never tell you what you want to hear but unseated what you need to hear... you're being unfair. Don't you think?" Her eyes are kind and I know she's only being my best friend.

"It's just"
"It's just nothing, Stel. Yeah I get it, he didn't tell you the truth. And he hurt you but you can't forget that Savannah has slept more times with Tyler than she did with Buck. If it is true, it was only a one night stand."

"But I wouldn't know how to feel if my boyfriend has to raise a child with my least favorite person in the world"

"That's you being selfish. What about Buck? Did you even ask him how he feels?"

I think back to last night before Evan walked out my front door. Not once did I stop to think about how he might be feeling. Am I that terrible of a girlfriend? The guilt starts to seep into my body as I realize how selfish I was being last night. I was too worried about my feelings that I didn't even stop to ask how he felt. About not even knowing if he's going to be a father or not. All he wanted was me to stay with him. By his side. For selfish reasons, I didn't.