FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

12.

Life hasn't been the same for me ever since the day of the Venice Bank robbery. Well, to be quite honest, it hasn't been the same since I landed in Los Angeles. The Venice incident has just made everything even more difficult for me I guess. I'm too scared to walk inside a bank now without the fear being there that I won't make it out alive. If there is a loud noise my body immediately reacts by jumping and it takes all my strength for me not to shut my eyes and hide under a table. Every time I close my eyes I see Tianna's face. I see Jack's face as well. The look behind his eyes as he looked up at me, that sliver of hope that maybe just maybe I was going to be the one to save him disappearing when I was dragged out the bank.

Buck came to visit me at the hospital later that day just like he promised and updated me on everything that happened. Athena made it out safely, the three jackasses were thrown into jail, few of the people inside were harmed but made it out alive. Jack died on the way to the hospital, he never made it. My heart fell all the way down from my chest when Buck delivered the news. Jack was a stranger to me but he seemed so innocent and did not deserve for his life to end that way. I think about him and Tianna everyday. Gigi has been keeping a close eye on me along with Amanda, Massey and Tyler. Savannah tried to be sympathetic but the minute she saw Buck and realized he wasn't there for her, she was back to her normal nasty self the next day at work. Unbelievable that she cares more about not having someone's attention over the lost lives of innocent people.

Most things have gone back to normal, somewhat, but not everything. Buck and I have been talking almost everyday since the whole Venice situation. He's been checking up on me and asking me if I need to talk to someone about what's going on in my head. It strikes me weird that I'm more open to talking about what I feel deep down inside with Buck than with Gigi. Something has changed between me and him and I don't know what to think of it. We are just friends which to be honest I didn't think I'd ever be calling Buck a friend but miracles do happen.  Although I do believe it has something to do with the fact that I could've died and in that moment I realized Buck deserves a chance. Life's too short.
What's the worst that could happen? Despite us sleeping together I could look past that and start on a clean slate with him. There isn't any harm with being friends. Plus he's a very great listener. He makes me feel like I'm not alone and he always has the right words to say when I go to him for advice. I've told him about my nightmares and mini panic attacks I have in the middle of the night. There are days I don't want to leave my bed but I force myself to because all my life problems stay outside the hospital doors. But even then I'm having a hard time focusing at work. He told me he can relate. There was one point he didn't have the strength to get out of his own bed after he himself went through a traumatic experience that nearly resulted in him never going back to his job. I'm glad I have Evan by my side helping me get through this.

Victor has noticed the way I've been acting differently when I'm at work and has called me out on it. He's another one that has been making me question certain things. Am I into him? Or is it just the thrill and excitement I get when we secretly hang outside of work without anyone knowing about it. Except for Gigi of course. I can't keep anything from that girl. I'm not sure who's been more on my case though, Gigi or Victor. I've admitted to Gigi that I feel guilty for wanting to distance myself from Victor when I know he's just trying to help but I don't want him to fall all into me especially in a moment where I'm confused on my emotions.

"You seem out of your element Stella. I'm worried about you, that's all. I miss the excitement you'd get in your eyes when I would ask you if you want to watch one of my surgeries but I haven't seen it lately" He confessed to me after I rejected to watch in on one of his heart transplants. I've already watched one but for some reason I didn't have the energy to watch another. I tried coming up with an excuse but he didn't seem to buy it. No one at work is buying my excuses lately.

Amanda has suggested for me to see a therapist. She says there's nothing wrong with wanting to see someone and talk about what I went through that day. Traumatic experiences are things that we should not try to bottle up and not share with anyone, it'll all become too overwhelming and take over your life. Speak to someone now, those were her words. I don't want to see a therapist. Everything will be okay, I know it will. All I need is time and I'm doing my best to convince everything of that. Plus, Buck is somewhat my therapist. There are just certain topics I can't talk to him about such as Victor and what I should do because I don't want Buck getting an idea that I'm with Victor. But that's just that, why am I holding back on talking about Victor to Buck when Victor and I are just friends. The same way I'm friends with Evan.... I'm friends with both of them. What's scaring me is how I'm starting to feel for them and not knowing what to do about it... this is the kind I wanted myself to avoid.

I've been dealing with too much since the incident. It's been one month since it happened and everyone is acting as if I will break at some point if they're not constantly checking up with me. I just wish they would believe me when I say I'm fine.

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"Bullshit!" Buck spits out.
"It's not" I argue back. He tilts his head with narrowed eyes. He's so annoying but I can't help the smile growing on my face at how worried he is about me.

"Evan I'm serious. My nightmares haven't been as bad as they were that first week-"

"But they're still pretty bad, aren't they?" Almost his entire body is on top of the small table. I couldn't say anything because he's right. So I sip my coffee and ignore him. It's lunch time and I don't want to talk about my nightmares. What I haven't told Buck is that my nightmares don't only happen when I'm asleep. Sometimes they come while I'm awake, working, causing me to blank out. But that's something I'll keep to myself for right now. I don't want to worry him anymore than he already is.

I take a small glance around the hospital cafeteria. It's my least favorite part of the hospital. Usually I like to eat outside away from the judgmental people who liter the cafe but all the tables were taken outside. My neck tingles from the stares we're getting from the nurses sitting all the way across from our table. I can't imagine the crap they're talking. Thinking I'm just another one of Buck's flavor of the week or month or whatever.

A stern face by the door catches my eye. When I look up I catch Victor staring right at me. He's carrying a tray of food standing there by the door, looking at me and only me. Before I could give him a smile he nods his head at me. His eyes fall on Buck before falling to the ground. Without taking another look in our direction, he heads out the cafeteria. I know he isn't Buck's biggest fan but that doesn't mean he couldn't walk over and say hey to me at least. The more I think about it maybe it's best he didn't after come over here after all. It could've been awkward and I would've probably froze having both Victor and Buck near each other. At the same time, I don't want him to think he can't talk to me if Buck is around. He's been doing this ever since me and Buck became friends, he'll see I'm accompanied by him and he turns the other way. They're both my friends who I care about. It all makes me feel even more guilty. Guilty for exactly what reason Stella?

"Hellooo, Stella to earth" Buck waves a hand in front of me. There I go again zoning out during a conversation.

"Sorry" I say carefully putting my coffee down. "I spaced out" my voice comes out quietly.

"You're worrying me..."

"There's nothing to worry about, I promise" I try to sound convincing. "I probably just need a day off and restore my energy you know?"

"When was the last time you had a good day?" He straightens up.

"Umm..." the answer doesn't come right away because I don't know. It's been awhile.

"That's all I needed to hear. You said you get off in a few hours right? Around six?" He glances at his watch.

"Yes, why?" I ask, a little scared about what he has on his mind.

"I am going to pick you up and we are going to go for a ride" and with that Buck drums on the table with his palms before walking away with such a mischievous grin on his face. I watch in confusion as he walks out the cafe, leaving me hanging there with no answer. What is he up to now?