FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

40.

I didn't walk out of my session today. Progress I guess. Also, this is weird. And stupid. I never kept a diary before in my life but Emily suggested I start now. That spilling to paper can help if I can't be completely open with actual human beings. But whatever, let's give this a try.

There is a new surgeon at the hospital. Neonatal surgeon. She's amazing. I've grown to really like her and working alongside her. My interests seem to be taking a turn. I wasn't sure what specialty I wanted to go into. Neurosurgery was at my top but now I am questioning everything these past few weeks.

Her name is Lilah Rose. Such a pretty name I think. Dr. Rose is patient, caring, understanding, brilliant, charismatic, etc. She is a lot of words.

Russell seems to be a little jealous. He feels Dr. Rose has stolen me from everyone else. I laugh every time he passes by us and calls her a thief. I mean, they want all interns to spend an equal time amount in each specialty but I can't help but want to work with Dr. Rose. I get excited when she walks in and tells me let's get started. Amanda has also taken an interest in her but I think her heart still lies with Dr. May. She loves all the kids she's worked with. I hope she stays in that direction, I want Dr. rose all to myself.

Sounds a bit creepy saying it like that, yikes.

Anyways, I'm not sure what else to write about so. I'll end it here until next time.

- SM.

I close the small lavender journal that says "thoughts" on the front cover and shove it into my bag. Writing has never been my thing. I've never cared to keep a journal with me and write in it. I can't tell if I like it or not but it is only my first day in testing it out. Therapy may not be the best idea but ir doesn't hurt to follow my therapists advice.

"Hey you. What were you writing about?"

Victor slides into the seat next to me, cup of coffee in hand. Hot caramel macchiato, knowing him. I give him a small shrug.

"How everything sucks. The world sucks. I suck as a person. Oh, and my hair is too dry..." I twirl a piece of my hair and I notice that it's time to get a trim.

"Wow. Sounds very positive" he grins, knowing I am being a smart ass with him.

"That's me, Stella Moore. The most positive girl you'll ever meet" I scrunch my nose. Victor chuckles as he takes a sip of his coffee.

"I thought you would be in the OR right now?" I ask him, remembering seeing his name on the board last night scheduled for a CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting.)

"Ahh yes, it got rescheduled so my morning is now clear" he says, seeming not to mind the fact.

"So, Neonatal huh?"
"Yes" I say, "Working with Dr. Rose is amazing! She's raw and brilliant. I feel this is it for me."

Victor gives me a warm smile as he takes another sip, nodding.

"I've noticed how happy you are when you get to work with Rose. She is an incredible surgeon, I don't blame you. A little jealous you favor it over cardio."

"Why are all you cardio gods the same?" I tease him.
"What else would you expect from us cardio gods?"

I laugh and say, "Nothing much if I'm being honest"

"At least I don't deny the fact that I am biased and find us to be the best" he raises his eyebrow.

He's got a point. Victor has always made it known his specialty, in his eyes, is the best.

"Anyways, how's therapy going? If you don't mind me asking?"

I shake my head. I was wondering when he would ask me about it since he was one of the three who convinced me into it.

"I don't mind. Truth be told, it's okay. Umm, I think I have to give it more time."

"Absolutely, I didn't think there would be results immediately. It takes time."

"Oh, hello you two."

Victor and I look up at the same time, greeted by a devilish smile sitting on Savannah's lips. "How are you two today?" She asks, rubbing her swollen belly. It takes everything in me to remain civil. I am exhausted with her and her games.

"I'm doing great, how are you and the baby?" I manage to keep a straight face as I look at her. She seems surprised by me asking about the baby.

"Healthy as can be, thank god. Dr. Russell, I thought you would be in surgery right now?" Her eyes shift to Victor.

"Rescheduled."
"Oh. Well, not surprised you chose to spend your free time this way" her eyes remain on Victor but her head tilts slightly towards my direction. I let myself laugh a little. She never gets tired.

"You know, I think it's amazing you're able to move on, Stella. This is what Buck would've wanted."

I straighten up at the words. I can feel Victors eyes on me but I don't look at him nor her.

"We've started looking at names for the baby. Next week is the gender reveal! I would be thrilled if you two come?" Her eyes smile and she knows she's touching a nerve. She would only be thrilled to see the reaction on my face as I watch Buck stand by her side as they wait to find out the gender of the baby. Their baby. You keep saying the baby.

Victor clears his throat. I can sense he's uncomfortable by the invitation.

"I'm sure you would" I mumble. Savannah snaps her head towards me, that devilish smile never disappearing. She's enjoying this all too much.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

Victor intervenes before a possible argument could arise. "My schedule is a bit hectic and I recall Stella telling me how swamped she is this upcoming week but I hope all goes well."

Savannah pouts and pretends to believe anything he says. She's too smart to buy any of it.

Suddenly, I find myself not wanting to back down and I surprise myself when I open my mouth and say,

"What day is it exactly? I'm sure I can clear my schedule" I twist my body in my chair and face her, managing the fakest smile I can.

"Tuesday!" She says excitedly.

"A gender reveal on a Tuesday?" I laugh a small laugh. This earns me a sideways look from Savannah.

"Ah well, I wouldn't want to miss it. I'll be there"

"Great. I'll notify Buck!"
"Awesome!" My voice comes out a pitch higher, showing off my fake excitement.

"Fantastic" Victor says, mostly to himself.

"Okay well, I'll let you two he then. Can't wait for Tuesday" Savannah claps her hands in the most annoying way possible before walking off and disappearing out of the cafeteria.

Victor let's out a small oh my god.

"That was interesting" he says after a small moment of silence.

For a minute, I start to ask myself why in the hell did I do that? Why would I allow myself to go to this gender reveal?

Maybe a part of me knows that I have to do this. I'm not sure why, but I have to be at that baby shower.

"Will you come with me?" I blurt out, not realizing what I am even asking of Victor. He seems surprised, confused even by me asking him.

"Uhh, yeah. Yeah, of course. I didn't really think you're going to go to this thing?" He gives me a quizzical look, not understanding why I'm allowing this either.

"Why not? We're adults, we can be civil. And, maybe this will be progress and something Emily will definitely love to hear about at our next session!"

"Okay. Only if you are sure you want to do this?"

Do I?

You have to.

I let out a deep sigh before looking Victor in his eyes, really thinking about my decision here.

"Yes. I'm sure"

I think.