FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

2.

Two hours pass before Russell is walking out of the O.R.

"How is she?" I blurt out not giving him the chance to breathe. He doesn't look at me but his eyes tell it all. My heart sinks: she didn't make it. Damn it. I feel like punching a wall. Just an hour ago her sister came in with Mary's son, Nathan. Another family member was supposed to be here but they went to grab food for the boy and I didn't get the chance to meet them but I have to deliver the terrible news to the family members that are here.

The stubborn firefighter is sitting across from them in the waiting room ignoring my request for him to go and leave the saving up to us. But we failed to save her. There was too much damage to repair. I didn't know the extent of it because Russell did not share that with me. Now I have to go out there and notify Mary's sister and her son that we did everything we could. Delivering these kind of news is never easy. I haven't been doing this for long but it sucks. Tears always threaten to fall down my cheeks but I push them back and pretend to feel nothing. I just look like a robot but deep down it pains me. Acting as if it doesn't affect me is the only way I can cope with it. Russell told me I can't get too attached but it's easier said than done. There are times I think Russell has no heart. I haven't seen him shed one tear. He just looks angry all the time but I have to admit he is a damn good mentor and a hell of a surgeon. One of the best heart surgeons.

"It was too late when they brought her in... I did everything I could." And that is all he said to me before walking away from me. I prepare myself to pass this onto her family.

The firefighter notices my presence first, his tired eyes making contact. My eyes stay focused on Mary's sister and her son. I take a deep breathe in before walking directly to them. Leanna, Mary's sister, looks up to me with moist eyes as she rubs her nephews back. His head lies on her lap, his eyes shut closed as he snores lightly. Leanna does her best to stay still as I approach her to not wake Mary's son. I'm positive she doesn't want him to hear. I swallow hard before speaking softly:

"Leanna I..." I choke.
"Please no" her chin trembles. Here comes the sea of tears.
"I am so sorry. We did everything we could but her injuries were too muc-"
"Mary..." Leanna weeps for her sister. Her eyes fall down to her sleeping nephew.
"What am I going to tell Nathan? He's going to wake up asking for his mom and I" she doesn't finish her sentence.

"You need to be there for him when he does wake up. He's going to need you more than ever now. If there is someone you'd like to call to pick Nathan up so we can discuss-"

"No. His sister still hasn't came back and I don't know how to tell her."

"I would like some time to... to deal with this if you don't mind" Leanna doesn't look up from her nephew. Her hand covers her mouth. I nod and turn to head back to the E.R but a tall figure stands in my way. Great. A pair of blue eyes gaze at me with desperation.

"Please tell me she made it"
"No. She didn't. You can go home now" I say coldly. I don't mean to be harsh but he shouldn't be here and I am exhausted.

"Damn it!" His hands are above his head as he inhales and exhales processing the news.

"It's not your fault. You did all you could and so did-"

"Maybe if we got to her sooner she would've had a chance and her son wouldn't have to wake up to find out he no longer has a mother or his sister when she comes back to find out her mother is dead" he whispers for only me and him to hear as he points directly to Leanna and Nathan. I give him an annoyed look. Leanna just found out her sister is dead the last thing she needs is some stranger causing a scene in the waiting room.

"Hey I get it! But it happens. We can't always save everyone and I hate it as much as you do but"

"But what? It still doesn't change the fact that we could've tried harder"

"We tried!!" My voice rises slightly and now the attention of the waiting room is on us.

"I have to go back to work" I spit before walking past him once again, leaving him standing there without the chance to say anything else to me.

This shift has been hell. All I need is one good day this week. Is that too much to ask for?