Sold To MILFs

Chapter Thirteen - Alara

Everything was not going fine.

 The night had started well enough. There was a minor fiasco when Harry Styles showed up in the exact outfit that Maria had worn, but that was smoothed out when agreed to wear his back-up suit. 

Scarlett had managed to stay close to Florence throughout the entire red carpet. She claimed it was for Florence's protection, but we all knew better. 

Steve almost spilled a cup of punch on Nick Kroll, but he assured her it was fine because he had already spilled a cup on Olivia Wilde. Jaeden seemed to have fun questioning Chris Pine on his allegiance to the MILFs, and he kept reminding her that he knew Anne Hathaway.

When the cast of Don't Worry Darling finally sat in their seats, we took a deep breath. As the movie started, and a montage of misogynistic ads filled the screen, I had a sudden feeling of dread. I knew this feeling. It only came when a certain ginger pop artist was near.

Oh no. This can't be happening. I thought. Next to me, I could tell the other MITs had sensed him too. I stood up and shouted,

"Stop the movie! Get everyone out of here!"

"What?" Someone in the crowd shouted. People started moving about, unsure of what to do. The movie still played and the lights hadn't turned on.

Then the roof exploded.

There's a blank section of time in my memory between the explosion that blew a hole in the theater, and waking up on a pile of rubble. My eyesight was blurred, my ears were ringing, and my head hurt.

As my vision cleared, I saw the devil himself. Ed Sheeran flew above the scene on a jetpack (only runs on fossil fuels, terrible for the environment, Ed Sheeran hates polar bears) laughing maniacally. Had I died? Was this Hell? There was no other way to explain what I was seeing.

Behind him, other figures rose, wearing matching jet packs. They must have been Ed's anti-MILF minions. Adam Levine, shirtless wearing only yoga pants. James Corden in a sparkly suit, stolen from the set of whatever movie musical he had just starred in. And... Draco Malfoy? It looked exactly like him, complete with a Hogwarts uniform, but how could that be? 

I was sure that I was dead, or at least dreaming. None of this made sense. Then Nick Kroll gave a high pitched scream, and my attention went back to the crowd. My training kicked in. Where were the MILFs and the MITs? They had to be secured first.

I looked around, and spotted Scarlett and Jaeden guiding a group of women towards the exits. I looked towards Steve and Maria. We knew we had to distract Ed Sheeran so they could escape.

"Hey stupid!" I yelled up at Ed. "Is that your idea of an army? Another untalented musican, a game show host trying desperately to hide in the closet, and a teenaged Wizard fascist from another reality?"

That got his attention.

"Amanda." He sneered. I guess he truly didn't know my name. "I thought you might be here. When I sold you to the MILFs, I was glad to be rid of you. And to get the cash. But when no one did my laundry or cleaned the dishes for a week, I realized what they had taken from me. And then I did some reflecting, and realized everything wrong about my life was caused by a woman. Female musicians upstaging me at my own concerts. Women breaking up with me but not in a heart breaking way so the songs I wrote about them weren't good. The list goes on..."

That was all it took for him to launch into his villain monologue? Even as a super villain he was lame. At least the MILFs were safe. I stole a glance at the doors, and saw them leave. But Ed saw what I was looking at.

"Oh you think you can distract me?" He inhaled and closed his eyes, shaking with fury. When he opened them again, they were red. He bellowed, "FOOLISH GIRLS! I WILL MAKE ALL MILFS PAY."

Adam Levine, James Corden, and Draco Malfoy all took out laser weapons, and started firing into the theater. A wave of fire shot down on us. I ducked under a piece of the fallen roof. I needed to disarm them, but they were so high up. I crawled over to Maria and Steve.

"What are we going to do?" I asked them.

"I don't know." Maria said.

"Think! What would the MILFs do?" Steve wondered. We all took a second to think. Then it hit me.

"What does a MILF always carry with her?" I asked.

"A bleach stain remover pen?" Steve guessed.

"No, a full bottle of rosé!" Maria realized. Their eyes lit up, realizing the plan. We each took the wine bottle out of our purses and prepared to throw.

"Hey ginger!" I shouted at him again. "Over here!"

Ed turned back to us at the same time the bottles hit his head and shattered. His beady eyes crossed before he passed out. His jetpack sputtered, and Ed fell towards the ground.

"No!" James Corden moaned. Before he could hit the floor, his minions swooped in and grabbed him.

As they flew away, Draco Malfoy yelled back at us. "My father will hear about this!"