THE PASSAGE

Milk For Toby

Chapter 27

I stare up at Solstice, then glance between her and Toby, confused.

"Did I hear you correctly?" I asked.

Solstice said, "The mother's milk contains natural vitamins and proteins, as well as antibodies to fight infection. I think it's the best thing we can do to help him right now."

"Are you ... serious?"

"Yes, Jamie. We have to try to help him."

"But ... what about Cain?"

"Cain will be fine. He'll let us know when he is hungry again. He's had enough for now."

"Solstice, I don't know. It's natural for a baby to nurse but—"

"I can understand your uneasiness about doing this, but you need to try. It could help Toby if we can get him to take some. I can assure you that it certainly won't hurt him."

Oh my, I would never have thought of doing this. The concept of it feels weird and wrong, and the thought of doing it makes me feel uneasy. But Solstice may be right in that it could help him. If I don't try it and he dies, I would always wonder if I could have prevented it.

"Um, okay, I suppose. What do we have to lose at this point anyway, right? I'll try it."

Solstice recommends that I lie on top of Toby since he is already lying on his back. And there is enough room between his head and the wall. We manage to wake him and struggle to get him started. But after his first swallow, he begins to suckle on his own, even though he is only semi-conscious. I keep my head down because I'm too embarrassed to look at Solstice. I can justify doing this for Cain, but I have mixed emotions right now, especially with Solstice at my side and my positioning. Solstice doesn't seem to think anything negative about it. As if sensing my uneasiness, she keeps reassuring me that I am doing well, and it's the best thing I can do to help Toby.

After Toby finishes, Solstice lays Cain in bed with Toby and me again, explaining the importance of me having Cain near for the first few days.

A few hours later, Cain wakes up again and wants to nurse. I don't feel near as uneasy about it as I did the first time. After he is full, I get into a different position and offer it to Toby. With him, this time is much more comfortable as he seems to take it in his sleep, seemingly guided to do so by some instinct within him. As he nurses, I try to think of other things to take my mind off of what I am doing. I think about the Passage, Solstice, and Cain, the world of Nod that they are from, and our possible future here. Then I reassure myself that I must be dreaming. I know that when I wake up in the morning, I'll be in my apartment in Brooklyn, and I'll think about seeing a shrink.

                                                                                            *****

I wake up to a noise in my apartment. Thinking that it's my neighbors, I try to get back to sleep. But then I hear it again, right there in my bedroom. My eyes fly open, and what I had thought to be a dream is all right here with me. I have Cain cuddled up in the crook of my neck, between Toby and me. I raise my head to see Solstice working at stoking the fire from last night back to life.

From the cracks in the cabin walls, I see daylight peeking through, yesterday now a blur of different things, strange and unsettling emotions. I lay my palm on Toby's forehead, and I gasp out loud.

"Solstice, Toby's temperature feels much lower this morning."

She smiles. "Yes, I know. I've checked on him a couple of times in the night and then a little while ago. I have never seen fever from an infection come down so quickly before, even with medication.