THE PASSAGE

A Disturbing Image

Chapter 53

I sit with Cain in my lap, my feet dangling in the creek, the warm sun shining on my face.

"My goodness Cain, you're very talkative today."

I giggle at his coos and shift his position, so he's sitting up with his back against my stomach. Before long, he'll be sitting up by himself. I grab his ankles and rock his feet back and forth and laugh to myself when I remember him falling over last night while he was trying to sit up. He had gotten so mad that he threw a fit because he couldn't stay sitting up for more than two seconds. I sat him up repeatedly, with him trying so hard to stay in the position, only to flop over soon after. I'm learning more and more about his personality every day. For one thing, he's very determined, and he also has a little temper about him.

Sometimes while doing my chores inside the cabin, I catch myself having a conversation with him. I stop mid-sentence most of the time when I realize I am speaking to him as though he were an adult. But when I look back at him and notice how focused he is on me, I can't help but wonder if he understands more than I give him credit.

I bring my knees up and shift his position so that his back rests against my thighs, and I gaze into his eyes as though they were crystal balls. He has the most beautiful eyes, piercing ocean-blue eyes like his mother's.

I stare out across the water and think of Solstice and how badly she must miss Cain. There's not an hour that goes by that I don't think of her and Toby. Today marks the sixty-third day since I last saw Toby walking up the hill behind the cabin, disappearing up the trail. I remembered thinking then that it was the last time I would see him. I don't know when I gave up hope of them returning, but at some point, I realized that they're not coming back. At times I think back to everything that has happened and wonder if the things I've experienced are just figments of my imagination. Perhaps I made it all up, and Cain is my son. What if I had done something so sinister in my past that my mind has blocked it out and replaced it with false memories of nonexistent people and bizarre events?

I lift my head towards the cool breeze and inhale the scent of honeysuckle from across the creek, thinking of our future here, mine, and Cain's. He's all that remains of my past and all that is real now. I imagine him taking his first steps and speaking his first words. How delighted I will be when I have someone to talk to again, someone to tell my stories and teach all of my knowledge. He is what keeps me going day after day, my only hope, my only reason for wanting to live another day. But every day, he grows older, and the days will turn to weeks, and the weeks will turn to years, and then one day, he will be a man.

When we were alone sitting here by the creek in the earlier days, and that thought crossed my mind, I sometimes thought it might be best if I wade us to the deep end of the creek and let us drown instead of contemplating such a complicated existence. But I quickly decided against such cowardly actions, realizing that if the universe has isolated us in this way, it must be for a purpose. I changed my thinking and now let myself enjoy every moment with Cain, and I look forward to each new day with him. If the universe wants us to evolve in this way, then that's what we'll do. We have everything that we need to survive here and live a happy life. Most importantly, we have each other.

I look down at Cain and giggle, noticing the serious look on his face, his eyes so focused on mine. Most times, when we sit like this on the creek side, I'll let my mind wander off into a daydream. I'll look down and see that serious look on his face and wonder if he can read my mind and can understand my daydreaming.

About a week ago, one evening, I was sitting by the fireplace holding Cain, feeling lonely, painfully missing the company of Toby and Solstice, and Cain started to cry as though feeling what I was feeling. I picked him up and held him close, and we cried together for a few moments. It was the first time I had cried in a long time, and I probably needed it. It was the first time Cain had cried in a long time, except for crying when he got mad.