THE PASSAGE

Solstices' Confession

Chapter 31

"This is a story about Zelub and me. I have never told the story to anyone. But I will tell you since we have already shared so much.

"When I was eight months pregnant, I felt like a fat pig. All of my self-confidence about me was lost. I kept apologizing to Zelub for getting so big. But Zelub kept reassuring me that he liked the changes in my body.

"I don't know how it was, but I felt the sincerity in his comments. Every time I felt bad about myself for gaining so much weight, I would tell Zelub about it, because he did such an excellent job of reassuring me that he still thought I was beautiful.

"One day, I was pointing out how big my breasts were getting, and again he reassured me that he liked them that way. And then he says, "'Hey Solstice, um, do you think ... I mean after Cain is born, um—'

"I could tell from the way he was alternating from looking at me to looking at my breasts, what it was that he wanted to ask me. But I pretended like I didn't know what he was referring to.

"'Yes, Zelub, what about after Cain is born?'

"'Well, um, I thought maybe, um—"'

"It was all I could do to hold in my laughter. I knew what Zelub wanted, but I decided to play along with him some more.

"'You thought what, Zelub?'

"'Well, I thought maybe ... maybe you would let me try.'

"'Zelub, what is it that you want to try?'

"'Well, um, I thought I might try ... you know ... see how—see what it tastes like.'

"And then, I faked a gasp for air, as if surprised. 'Zelub! Are — are you saying that you want to — to — oh, Zelub.'

"'Well, I ... I thought I could try maybe once — you know.'"

"And then, I couldn't hold my laughter any longer, and I just burst out laughing at the situation. Poor Zelub thought I was laughing at him and started to walk away with his head hanging low. I said, 'Wait, Zelub. I'm not laughing at you. I was just having a little fun because you were so apprehensive about asking me. Of course, you can try. You can try as many times as you like. I don't mind.'"

"Oh Jamie, you should have seen how happy that made Zelub that day. From then on, as the days passed, he had a countdown going. Each day he would softly squeeze my breasts and say, '20 days ... 15 days ... 10 days.'

"And when Cain was born, and my milk didn't come in, I was distraught. I felt as though I had failed as a mother, especially with me having the title of rohf-AH.

"One of my cousins who already had an infant child volunteered to nurse Cain for me for a couple of days until we could summon the help of the midwife from the neighboring village. Like I said earlier, although we knew how to do it, we wanted to make sure that we did it right.

"So, Lana had already stepped forward and agreed to take on the responsibility. Lana then moved in with Zelub and me so she could attend to the duty of nursing Cain.

"During the next few days, I was so thankful to Lana for taking on the responsibility that I repeatedly thanked her. I was so happy that Cain was nursing as he should. One evening, about a week later, I was in Lana's room, talking with her while she nursed Cain. And it was then that I remembered how excited Zelub had been about wanting to try and how I could never give him that. And at that moment, I began to cry.

"Lana asked, 'Solstice, what is it?'

"I said, 'I'm upset because I can't nurse.'

"Lana said, 'Solstice, these things happen sometimes. There's nothing we can do about it. But Cain will be fine. I will nurse him for you for as long as he needs it.'