Inside My Brain - BookCopy10

I think theres something wrong with me

I forget things. Not like the usual small stuff. I mean kinda significant stuff. Today I made a cup of tea, immediately forgot I'd even made it and left it to get cold for an hour. I've just had to warm it back up in the microwave.

I've always been absent-minded. I'm about 99% sure I have undiagnosed ADHD. And - this is gonna get real angry - people (namely my parents) don't. Fucking. Get it.

About the tea thing, I made a joke about early-onset dementia. My mum replied 'no, it's because you never pay attention'. I instantly wanted to cry. Every. Single. Time. Every. Single. Day. This always happens. I forget to do something, or leave something till the last minute, or screw something up, and MY FUCKING PARENTS SAY THAT IM LAZY, THAT I DONT PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION, THAT ITS ALL THE FUCKING PHONE. IT IS NOT THE PHONE.

I'm a natural procrastinator. That's just me. It's not the phone. I'm not lazy. I do pay attention. I do care. But any time I remember something, any time someone tells me something, it sticks in my brain for about two seconds and then it gets washed away by the flurry of other thoughts and ideas I have constantly, every second of every day. When I zone out, it's because my mind is so overwhelmed by thoughts that just keep coming, keep flashing up in my brain and then zooming off again, that my body just shuts down. I'm just there, staring, not moving, while I succumb to the thoughts. And it happens more often than I ever realised.

I have told my mum I think I have adhd. She AGREES with me, for fuck's sake. She says that she knew I was on a spectrum from my birth. But for some reason she doesn't take it seriously?? She never cuts me any slack, ever, and I'm quite a literal person, so she needs to make an effort to make things clearer and more specific to me. People have to explain things to me super clearly and preferably more than once because I'll probably zone out while you're talking. It's not because I'm not listening, or I don't care. I can't help it. I genuinely can't.

SO WHY DO MY PARENTS THINK ITS OKAY TO MOCK ME AND MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT? WHATEVER THEIR SHIT REASONING IS, ITS NO EXCUSE FOR CONSTANTLY MAKING YOUR DAUGHTER FEEL LIKE SHE CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT BECAUSE YOU KEEP BLAMING EVERYTHING ON HER BEING LAZY, OR SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON HER PHONE, OR NOT LISTENING, OR NOT CARING????? AND WHY DO THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO KEEP COMPARING ME TO MY OLDER SISTER?!?!?!?! SAYING IM TURNING INTO HER? I SAW WHAT SHE WAS LIKE WHEN SHE WAS MY AGE. SHE WAS SO ADDICTED TO HER PHONE SHE TOOK OUT THE SIM CARD AT NIGHT AND SNUCK INTO A SECOND PHONE. I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. EVER.

I'm so sorry about this. I just- I'm so angry right now that I have to get it out of my system before I end up screaming all this at my parents. Although maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. If I could only work up the courage to stand up to them.

Sorry.