Dim.

35. Childhood Trauma.

Therapist: Do you get scared?

Self: Yes sometimes.

Therapist: Is it sometimes or more than sometimes.

Self: Uh. More than sometimes.

She looked down at her shoes. Still not comfortable with talk therapy. Still not comfortable with being open about her mental health that was quickly declining.

Therapist: Do you ask for help?

Self: Rarely.

She couldn't remember the last time she verbally spoke out and asked for help. It had been so long since she thought she needed it. But maybe if she had spoken up this time around she wouldn't have been stuck in talk therapy trying to pinpoint what exactly was wrong with her.

Therapist: When was the last time you ate?

Self: I don't know, yesterday.

Therapist: What did you eat?

Self: Uh.. mm. Not much. I tried to finish a sandwich but didn't get too far.

Therapist: And that was your only meal?

Self: Yeah.

Therapist: Did you eat the day before?

Self: I can't remember.

Therapist: Okay. This keeps being a problem with you. We're going to have to start keeping a food log. I need to know you're eating three meals a day or at least attempting.

Self: Okay.

Therapist: Have you spoken to your dad? How's your relationship been?

Self: It's been better than ever. Better than when we started our sessions three years ago.

Therapist: And after all this time. Do you forgive him finally?

Self: Forgive? For ruining the perfect life I thought I had? No. But forgetting? I've been doing that. I've been putting it behind me but I don't think I can ever forgive him.

Therapist: Do you think you need to forgive him to move on?

Self: No. I think I need to remember. I think it needed to happen for him to become my best friend. Because now I know I can come to him for anything.

Therapist: You're slowly healing. You're not blocking his efforts and that's good. What happened years ago was traumatizing and it changed you. It turned you cold. It triggered chemical imbalances and gave you these disorders. But you're slowly letting that pain go. Even though that pain has permanently changed you, you're still pushing forward and trying to move past that hurt. That's progress. That's good.

Self: Yeah. It's been the first in awhile that I even thought about that day.. the day that changed everything. How I felt that day. How my body was shaking to no end. The way his slap across my face echoed in the room time and time again. I get trapped in that feeling still. Lately I've been feeling that exact moment and I've been wanting to run away from it. I get disappointed, disgusted in myself and I just can't keep up with everything. I get overwhelmed still and feel like I have to disappear. That feeling came from him and it's been years but I don't think it'll ever go away.

Therapist: With time it will subside. You'll learn to manage it all together. For now you need to learn how to compartmentalize. Start to choose what you will allow to hurt you. What emotions you will allow to distort your thoughts and turn you to a dark path. Start to pick yourself and though it might sound bad, become someone who cares less. Over the years of our sessions the one thing I can confirm is how big your heart is. How much you care for everyone around you. Except yourself. You put yourself in the back burner. You keep putting yourself last. That's what you did when you first found out about your father. You put his needs in front of yours, became a different person trying to cover his tracks and then ultimately you lost yourself trying to protect him and his peace. You put you last and you continue to do that even now. What about your peace? What about your happiness? What about the good you've done that doesn't deserve to sit on high shelves that no one would ever see?

Self: It's hard to get out that mindset. I spent almost a year protecting him. And the only way for me to protect him was if I put my feelings aside. If I disregarded myself entirely.

Therapist: Exactly. Stop caring. Stop trying to fix everything. Stop putting yourself last. Just stop paying attention to everything else but you. Right now you are the focus. You need to be able to move the planet and stars for yourself. Stop going out of your way to please others. To make others feel good. Worry about yourself. Making yourself feel good. Fall in love with yourself again.

Self: You make it sound easier than it is.

Therapist: No. It won't be easy. But you have to commit to that mindset in order to manifest it. You have to be able to see the bigger picture in clear view.

Self: I understand.. and I can only try. It's 3:00pm. I have to go... I'll remember to keep a log.

Therapist: I hope you took more from this session than just the food log.

Self: I did... I did.