The Way You Hurt Me

Chapter Eleven

When I wake up my head is cloudy and my eyes feel like two balloons ready to pop. Ronnie is by my side in an instant and rubbing my hair away from my face.

"It's noon. I decided to let you sleep, but don't worry, I emailed your professors for you and told them you weren't feeling well." Ronnie's voice is as gentle as her touch on my head.

What would I do without Ronnie?

"Thank you." My voice comes out as a rasp. I probably lost it last night from all the crying. Never in my twenty-one years have I ever cried over a boy like that. I don't think I've cried that hard in years. I didn't realize how far Josh had wiggled his way into my heart and how much it would hurt to have him reject me like that.

"Of course." Ronnie smiles at me, but I can tell she's just doing it for my benefit. I can see the questions and the worry in her eyes.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" I ask, reaching over to the table where she's placed my water bottle. Ronnie is so damn thoughtful.

"Not when my girl needs me," she replies easily. She's sitting on the edge of her bed in a t-shirt and running shorts staring down at me.

I take one deep breath before telling her every detail of what happened last night. By the time I finish, I have tears running down my face again, but I'm more under control this time.

"Oh, Re. I'm so sorry that's awful. I questioned him sure, but I didn't think he had that in him. You've never even seen him get annoyed before let alone mad." She runs a hand over her face and settles it over her mouth for a second, still in complete shock. "Maybe he'll change his mind."

"That's a dangerous way for me to think, especially if he doesn't change his mind. It's only going to end up hurting me more." I let out a dismal sigh. I need to be able to come to terms with this new development and stay strong. I'm going to give myself today before trying to get my shit together.

"Are you going to try to avoid him?" Ronnie inquires, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure if I'll be able to. I have two classes with him." My heart pains me when I think of having to see him in class. I'm going to have to change where I sit. Are there even any open spaces for me to move to?

"Shit, Re. I'm sorry." Ronnie sighs and moves to get into bed next to me.

"I know," I tell her. I give a small shrug to try and look tough, but I know it's useless.

"Want me to go give him a piece of my mind?"

I chuckle, leave it to Ronnie to make me feel better. "No." I heave a sigh. "He's just so stubborn. He won't even try to connect with someone else out of fear of losing them. How can he do this to himself? He's going to end up all alone in the world now by choice."

"Maybe he just can't see it any other way. Or maybe it's his way of punishing himself."

"What do you mean?" I ask, furrowing my brows. "You mean he's doing this on purpose? Trying to get rid of me on purpose because he wants to punish himself? But what for? His parent's deaths weren't his fault."

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't carry some of the blame anyway," Ronnie points out.

I lay there, turning my gaze up to the ceiling to think. The whole situation has me beyond angry and frustrated. "Knowing him I wouldn't be surprised if he did."

Ronnie's solemn gaze matches my own and we lay there in silence for a bit, just thinking and taking everything in. I never thought I would get so acquainted with Ronnie's cream-colored ceiling but here I am.

"His trust is so broken he won't even give me a chance. He's letting his pain run his entire life." I let out a defeated noise from the back of my throat. "His pain is so valid, but he shouldn't be using it to make him more miserable. He is so sad, Ronnie. Every time I look at him I think my heart shatters."

"I know," she whispers. "I think it's what drew you to him."

That piques my interest and I turn my head to stare at her.

Ronnie gives a rueful smile. "I just mean I think you saw your old self in him. I feel like you sometimes forget how different you were our first year here."

She's right. Our first year I was anxious, the complete opposite of confident, and still trying to get over my messy family life that never seemed to calm down. I love my parents with all my heart, but getting away from them and all the drama was the best thing to happen to me.

Over the past few years, I grew into myself, gaining the confidence I'd desperately been missing my whole life.

"You're right. There was something about Josh that drew me in right away. I wanted to know what gave him that sad wistful look in his eye. It was like he was looking around for someone to wake him up and drag him out of whatever hole he was hiding in. I knew he was something special the first time I saw him in class." I think back to the day, how I sat down next to him and gave him a dazzling smile that had shocked him to his bones. He looked at me as if I was from some dream, not real but something you direly want.

Ronnie's voice is so quiet I can barely hear the question come out of her mouth. "What if he does come back, but in a month or something?"

I suck in a breath, knowing exactly why she asked so softly. It's a dangerous question, one that puts me in a position where I have to decide if I'm going to put his needs first or mine.

"I–I don't know," I stutter, hating the feeling of hope coursing through me. I can't even admit to Ronnie that I would probably run to him in a heartbeat if he did need me and the thought destroys me. This is the exact thing Ronnie and Kelly wanted me to avoid. It was something I knew to avoid and here I am thinking of making this potential mistake even before it could ever happen.

I don't know what to think besides I need to stay away from him. I need to give myself time to heal. I know I probably shouldn't go back to him if he does reach out for my own sanity. It's hard, this whole situation feels like a piano pressed against my chest.

The worst part about it is I don't want to give Josh another reason to not trust someone. If he does become desperate enough to reach out to me and I don't go to him he'll close himself off for good. That would be a tragedy. I don't want to validate Josh's beliefs anymore. He shouldn't cut himself off from the world this much, but I tried to get him to see my perspective and then this came of it. I don't know if there's anything more I can do.

I spend the rest of the day in Ronnie's bed with her. We talk, watch Netflix on her computer, and finish off the last of the ice cream.

Tomorrow I tell myself. Over and over I say the word like a mantra in my head, hoping that it sticks and tomorrow I'll magically be okay.

I open my eyes only to be disappointed. I email my other professors for my classes today telling them I'm not feeling well and spend the rest of the day wallowing and hiding under my covers.