The Way You Hurt Me

Chapter Twenty-Two

The first week is the hardest. I spend most of my time in bed watching Netflix and eating ice cream. My roommates don't even try to get me out of bed and most of the time just crawl in and join me so I'm not always so alone.

Every day goes by achingly slow and miserably. I continue going to work and class but every time I walk into my classes I'm scared I'm going to see Josh. I'm spending so much time trying to keep myself from seeing him I'm missing half the instruction.

I know our roles have reversed and now I'm the one sitting on the other side of the lecture hall and he's still sitting where we used to. Is this what he felt like every day all those weeks ago? Did he feel this alone?

For a couple of seconds, I wonder if anyone in our class has noticed our on and off again seating arrangement, but then realize no one probably gives a fuck or has even noticed besides the few other people we know in class.

My roommates have been trying their best with me, but we all know it'll be a while before I stop wallowing. Ronnie gets me coffee every day trying to cheer me up. Kelly bakes everything from brownies to chocolate croissants that are so good I eat four in one sitting, but I know she's baking because she's worried about me. She always bakes when she's stressed. Maeve comes into my room every day at seven in the morning and cuddles with me for a little before she has to leave and get started on her busy routine. I'm starting to get so used to her coming into my room in the mornings that I now wake up naturally at seven, which hasn't happened since I was eight.

I'm grateful for their support. I have no idea what I would do without them in my life. If it wasn't for Ronnie dragging me out of bed every morning I would stay in bed all day.

I hate the thought of how helpless I am. I always said I would never let a guy get me down this bad, but here I am and I'm annoyed as shit. But I just can't help how I feel. I can't even explain what the exact feeling is but it's all overwhelming.

I feel overwhelmed with pain and love. All my feelings for them are still so strong I don't know what to do with it. I don't like this constant feeling of being lonely and empty. Every single emotion I have is so amped up I don't know what to do with it.

The first day after I talked to both Josh and Mason I spent the whole day crying. No matter what I did to try and stop the tears nothing seemed to work. It was embarrassing considering I had class that day. I tried to cover up my face with a hat and sunglasses, but I feel like that made it even more obvious. I was constantly applying concealer around my eyes, but nothing could cover the stupid tears running down my cheeks.

I've never experienced tears like that. Never been so uncontrolled in my actions I freaked out about it for a little before I decided I need to just let it happen. I need to clear it all out and hope that once I'm finally done maybe I'll feel the slightest bit better.

I'm starting to go back into the routine the last time Josh and I stopped talking but the biggest issue with that is I had Mason during that time. Now, it feels like I'm so alone—which I'm not, but it sometimes gets to me. I get angry every time this goes through my mind because I don't like how I feel empty without them. I was a very happy person before them and I know I will be again after. I'm just sick of waiting for after and feeling like half a person.

The worst part is I told them I needed to work on myself—to try and work past my need to please everyone and fear of abandonment—but I have no idea how to do that. I feel like I've only created more problems for myself since ending things with them. It's so easy to say you need to grow, to change, but it's another thing entirely to act on it and see visible improvement. Maybe just the fact that I lived through the experience will help me notice my faults more so that if I'm ever in a similar situation I can fix it—or prevent it. All I know is that I can never do something like that again.