Confused

Chapter 3

I know that some guys do want me, but they only want to use me, they want the low self esteem that they know they can use against me, "if you don't do this we are over" or the "if you loved me you'd do it." Those two phrases break me, they are the one thing I can't handle because I don't want people to be upset and leave forever.

I've given in a couple times, and I'm not proud of it, even a guy who is in a relationship, we had a thing because I liked feeling wanted, but he left, I'm so stupid. "KAITLYN!!" My mother yells at me interrupting my thoughts, I pretend to sleep.
"She went to bed!" I hear Haley my younger sister shout back.
"Well it'd be nice if she'd tell us!"
But I did, I told you goodnight, you just never listen when I tell you anything, your to busy, I told you I wasn't eating and you called me a liar, we went to a doctor because before I told you I told a teacher, he put me on antidepressants and other medicines, I don't take them because "it was just a phase" so I am no longer forced to.

It's funny how a person can be so numb but look so happy, no one would guess it, I have days where it's to hard to fake a smile, I look either sad or pissed off on those days, but I don't feel that way, I just feel like not smiling anymore, the only two people who even know I'm depressed are my closest friends, Luke and Dix. Luke knows those little things and some big ones that Dix doesn't but it's not that I don't trust her, I just don't want her thinking of me any different. I don't want to loose her.

I feel bad though for her and Luke because I have a little anxiety issue, and I flinch a lot, and I don't want them thinking I think they'd hurt me, but it's not just them it's everyone. The only time I feel less anxious is when I am listening to music, preferably black veil brides or sleeping with sirens.

I love to cheer though, it's when I can see how happy I look to others because they get excited. it's weird because I could careless about the actual cheering and don't like being in front of people but making them happy makes me want to
...
BEEP BEEP BEEP
It's already 6:30am? It was just like 12:00am! Jesus I either need to go to bed sooner or I need to stop swing choir!
I get up and look in the mirror, my messy hair hangs down past my shoulders, I brush through it about 5 times making sure to get every knot. it's wavy now, it hangs to my under boob, brown and wavy and just kinda there, I put it into a bun. "Do we cheer today?" I shout across the basement to my older sister Clair. "No we get to wear comfy clothing today!" She shouts back.
I open my dresser drawer, do I want black skinny jeans or blue ones? Black. I close it. I open the one above it and grab the first shirt on the top. it's purple and black nothing else , I look in the mirror again, ugly. i am so ugly, this outfit would work on someone else just not me. I throw on a sweater, it's black with 'South Dakota' written across it, I've only been there once, all I can say is it's just as boring as Nebraska, but colder. The sweater is a little big and goes over my butt, I don't have a butt for it to go over actually, it just goes over where it would be.

"KAITLYN ARE YOU UP??" My mother yells
"YES MOM!" I shout back. I only wake up late every other day so I'm glad she checks
"ARE YOU OUT OF BED?"
"DUH!"
She annoys me though. I run up the stairs, only tripping once. I go into the living room to see Haley half naked searching for cloths, I ignore her, and walk through the kitchen through the office and into the bathroom, I look in the mirror disgusted, my cheek bones aren't visible, but my collar bone is so that's a plus, I put on some foundation making sure it's the lightest one we have, and then I put on a thin line of eye liner and then I make it a a little thicker at the end. better I say to myself and finally I put on a little blush.

"KAITLYN ARE YOU ALMOST READY??"
"YEAH"
"HURRY UP!"
It's only 7:10, I grab my black converse with pink stitching, they are my favorite shoes. I throw my bag over my shoulder. "Alright let's go."
"You either need to get up earlier or stop putting on makeup."
"Sorry, can we get going I have about 7 minutes to get there." I lie, i don't have to be there until 7:30 but she thinks I have to be there by 7:20.
"Well it won't be my fault if your late." My mother says in her I'm so superior voice.
We go out the back living room door into the garage, down the ramp and into the car. the ride to school is silent, she drops me off at a side door, it's the only door that is unlocked by this time because no one else is at the school.

I walk into class early by around 6 minutes, idk what to do so I just set my stuff down. Then I see him walk in, he's not bad to talk to if he didn't have a crush on me. "hey Kaitlyn."
"Oh um hi Jackson." I reply
He walks past me like nothing happened. well I guess nothing did happen.

Class goes by with the usual almost falling asleep in algebra followed by the English lectures, then the easy going biology teacher who just doesn't care, I start snapchating right away.