Confused

Chapter 18

Why does he even care? I am basically nothing but a spec. Nathan is perfect, he simply is in my mind. He's awkward and nerdy, he's tall with dark hair, the exact opposite of Luke, I never really thought about it till today. Why should I listen to him anyway? I'm my own person I don't need his help. I get up and walk out of the nurses office. I go upstairs and grab my bag and leather coat out of my locker and slam it, hard. finally I go downstairs, and out the gym doors so no one sees me leaver school 8 minutes early. I start walking.

I get home. I walk downstairs and just lay in bed. I don't feel the want to move, I just want to be forgotten. I grab my blade, I remember a quote I read, something like a silver brush that only paints red. That's exactly what it does. I cut myself three times on the thigh, maybe a fourth, and a fifth, and sixth. I don't stop until it's a bloody mess. I don't want to look at it. I wrap up in a black cloth and tie some string around it. I cry. I cry until I have nothing left in me. Then I cry some more. When I'm done I just grab a pair of sweats and pull my blanket over me, maybe I can disappear forever.

After about one hour, I sit up and look at my phone. 13 missed calls from Nathan and 4 texts. "where are you?" One hour and a half ago
"Kait are you okay?
One hour ago
"Kaitlyn I swear to god you better pick up the damn phone"
Forty-five minutes ago.
"Fine I'm coming over to check on you."
Twelve minutes ago
"Kaitlyn open the door!" I hear from outside my door.
"Why?" I say putting away my razor and stuff and closing the drawer.
"I don't want to invade your privacy by just barging in, open the damn door."

"Well you invaded when we were in the nurses office what's stopping you now!?"

He opens the door. "I didn't want to invade your privacy but I want you to be okay! You have no idea how badly I want you to be okay!" He says looking a little hurt but mostly worried.

"Why do you care? No one else cares! I'm nothing and I am good at it!" I spit back at him.

"You are not nothing Kait. You are way more than nothing. People care about you, I care about you, Luke cares about you, I need you." He insisted.

"No you don't! If you needed me around you wouldn't blow me off for you other friends! Luke doesn't need me, he's been through shit before he can survive. Even if you think you have to have me you don't because I will fuck up and you will hate me, just like everybody else." I hiss at him.

"Why do you always think people are going to hate you if you screw up!? Why not all people are the same kait, I get it if you have trust issues and I don't know why you do, but I'd like to, I get it if you don't want to talk about it and I get it if you don't need me around, but kait everyone needs a friend. Everyone." he protested as he sat at the edge of my bed.

"I don't need anyone. I don't need anything. I am perfectly fine by myself. The less people the less drama, the less drama the less hurt, and the less hurt means I'm safe." I say almost as a whisper.

"Kait, you pretend to be so strong, you pretend that nothing phases you, that nothing hurts you and that you are made of steel. You pretend that you are invincible and never let it show that you are uncomfortable with something or someone. Even when you had to sing in front of the whole class, you were shaking but you never showed anyone how scared you really were, you looked powerful and unafraid, but it's obvious to me now that you are terrified, of everything. You flinch at people and then laugh it off like you're just jittery, you keep you distance even from your best friends, you have a bubble and if anyone is to close or inside of it you move away or ask people to spread out. You apologize when you've done nothing wrong because you don't want to make anyone feel less of a human or hurt anyone in anyway and when you do something rude it's all you think about for the next few days. You keep your distance and when others get to close you back away, unless they stay and refuse to drift, and Kait I'm not going anywhere, I know so much more about you than you know and I'm sorry I never told you any of that before but I'm worried about you Kait, I don't want to see you hurt." he finished.

" Why don't you understand that you could have better people in your life? You don't need me, you don't it's a fact. No one wants me around, not even my own family wants me here. I'd understand if you didn't want me, I don't even want me." I whimper.

"Kaitlyn, I need you, I want you, I-I------" and then he did it. He kissed deeply and passionately, he held my back with both hands and pushed me onto the bed a little, laying me on my back. I held his neck and melted into him. Then he hastily jumped off of me. "I-I-I am so sorry Kaitlyn, I shouldn't have done that I'm sorry."

"It's fine Nate, I kissed back." I smile gingerly.

"I know I just don't want to screw anything up. I can't I don't want to hurt you if things go south, I want you to be okay."

"I am okay I'm just confused and you are right, so um if you could like get out of my room?" I ask him trying to sound nice.

"Oh yeah, it's different than I thought it'd be, I thought you'd have like 'sleeping with sirens' and 'pierce the veil' posters everywhere not just indigo walls and a cat poster." He inquired.

"Well my sister gave me the poster, I don't like it but I didn't want to be rude, it was a gift." I shrug.

"Okay well I will see you Tuesday I hope." and he leaves like nothing happened.