Confused

Chapter 12

He is holding my hand. My hand is in his hand. Just friends, it doesn't mean anything! Calm down kait! It means nothing he just wants you to stop shaking, great I'm shaking even more now. I can't help it but I feel like electricity is going through my body whenever he touches me. I try to focus on the movie but my mind is racing "this is it, the person you've loved since you met him is holding your hand." I start shaking a little more.

~Lukes pov~

If she knew how amazing she was would she be this sad? How beautiful and kind she is? How she is just absolute sunshine, she doesn't get mad about people talking bad about her because "if it helps them but hurts me, it's helping them." My mind goes to a flash back from almost 3 months ago.
"But maybe you need to help yourself first."
"I do help myself, I help myself forget."
"You know that isn't helping, you can justify cutting open your skin in so many different ways, but in the end all you have is another thing to worry about." I say trying to keep my cool.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." Kait says honestly, why does she always feel sorry? Why doesn't she trust anyone to not hurt her? I've never laid a rude hand on her, and yet every time I got to hug her, or high five her, or even just say something a little to loud she backs away, she flinches, or she jumps away from me. we have been best friends for over 7 months and I know that's not long, but we are close, she knows about how I use to slit my wrists, how I took too many pain killers hoping it would either hurt or take the pain away. she knows everything, and I know about how she cuts, she feels like an outsider everywhere she goes. she said to me once that she feels alone even when her best friend is in the room. she ment dix, I knew it, but it still hurt me a little bit, I never wanted her to feel like that because of me, but I have ditched her countless times just to talk to Stephanie. I was horrible to her, she didn't mind, or said she didn't, but I could see that she was fighting herself, fighting to feel okay about everyone walking away from her, trying to hold back the tears because, people wouldn't leave if she had something interesting to say. I hate myself for making her feel unimportant, I didn't even notice until I saw the hurt in her eyes. she ignored everyone for 3 days after that. I knew it was my fault. I made her feel alone. I made her feel like she wasn't good enough to be my friend, that's one action I couldn't take back.

I hate the fact that I hurt her. I hated it so much it burnt. I hated that I couldn't tell her I tell her that. I'd be over stepping my boundaries, she hides her emotions so well that whenever she lets one slip she beats herself up, I looked at a picture of her once, I saw the utter sadness in her eyes, even though the rest of her looked so happy. I asked her why she looked so sad in the picture, she said everyone always said she looked so happy in that picture, but she was beating herself up mentally about not being skinny enough and not being good enough. she was wearing shorts in that picture, she hadn't even cut yet. just a year sooner! If I would've met her a year sooner! I could've stopped her from being this depressed. she hates that word because it is who she is now. she won't admit it, not even to herself, and when she tries to, she thinks she's an attention seeker. She isn't. If I hadn't seen them, or thought I saw them. she wore basketball shorts long enough to cover them and more but I saw one cut, I just caught a glance and knew exactly what it was. she hasn't worn anything short since that day. maybe I shouldn't have said anything about them. I'm happy I did though. I'm happy I asked. if her mom had seen them, if anyone else had who knows how depressed she'd be now. maybe I was good for her, I just want to help her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ writers note :)~~~~
Thank you to anyone who has read this at all! And a special thanks to "Nathan"! You're amazing :)! Even though this is fiction he's a real person and he knows he's in here too! So i love you "Nathan" and thank you!! Alright well thanks for reading more chapters to come I swear!