Confused

Chapter 21

I open up my labtop, "what movie do you wanna watch?"

"oh I heard of this really good movie about this overprotective single dad whose disabled son gets kidnapped."

"sounds cool, what is it?"

"it is called...Finding Nemo."

"Well if that is what you would like to watch I guess. "

"aw you don't like Disney?"

"I love Disney, Peter Pan is my personal favorite."

"'Awesome, I'm a alice in wonderland type of guy."

I didn't know how to reply to that so i just found finding nemo on netflix and started it. Idiot, no one would EVER wanna be with someone who can't carry a conversation. I get up next to him in my bed, he's only an inch taller and when we cuddle i feel like i fit perfectly in his arms. "Thank you."

"For what Kait?"

"Being here with me, helping me, and just being my bestfriend."

He kisses the back of my head before saying "Kaitlyn I will be here for you always, just promise me one thing."

"what?"

"turn around and look at me first." I roll over in the bed and face him, "Promise you will never ever lie to me, I don't want things to get weird because we kissed, I want things to stay the way they were okay?

I look away, "what if I cannot promise that? What if I lie because I do not want to hurt you?"

"Do not lie to me, my bestfriend lied to me one time and I did not speak to her for three weeks because of it."

"I will never lie to you, I do not want to loose you, I wouldn't be able to survive without you."

"good, because I do not want to be in a world without you." he kisses my forhead gently and I feel like I am floating, I turn back around, and he wraps his arm around my waist a little tighter. On reflex i inhale and suck in my gut. "um kait?"

"yeah?"

"I can feel your ribs...are you okay?"

"oh yeah sorry it's a reflex..." i start to trail off

"Kait you are beautiful don't suck in, and its scary that you don't see how thin you are."

"sorry" i barely whisper as i let my stomach out.

"Kait?"

"yeah?"

"I can still feel your ribs, you don't have any meat on your bones. Are you okay?"

"I just have a fast metabolism"

"three weeks."

"Okay I am not okay and I do not want to discuss it right now."

"much better thank you."

Why did I lie? He already knows I usually don't eat, he almost had to force a peice of pizza down my throat at a bowling thing, I didn't want to eat it so bad I almost started crying. We agreed that if I ate half a peice he would be happy, so I did. when I think about all these horrible feelings come back to me. Failure. Fat. Stupid. Kill yourself. You will NEVER be enough. You have no control. You are nothing. A silent tear starts to roll down my cheek. I'm better off dead. You can't have a eating disorder, you are too fat. No one likes you. Even you hate you. No wonder you have no friends. More tears start rolling down my face and I can't hold them back. I go into a numbness I know I cannot pull myself out of. It's like being trapped, I can only hear the thoughts going on in my head and nothing else matters anymore. My body goes limp and I can't hear or see anything. Nothing matters.

I start to shake. I am a crying shaking mess. God damn why is he here. Fail. No one wants you. No one needs you. You could take all the pain away. Just a handful of pills, they are upstairs. One handful is all you need. Just do it already. Come on do it. They will take you to never land.

"Kait!" Luke shouts but i can't hear him. "Kaitlyn!"

I sit up and hug my knees. Luke gets into a sitting position. I push myself against the wall, I sit there in a ball for a couple minutes, he finally comes over to me once the tears are mostly over, he makes me stand but my legs are weak and rubbery. He grabs my wrist. It stings so I yank it back instantly. He doesn't question it, he just grabbs a little higher and hugs me and holds me and whispers to me " you are enough, you are perfect, you are beautiful, I need you, It is okay to feel like this, You are okay I won't leave." I hug him harder, and hold him close to me and cry. when i am finally done he looks at me and I can see the worry in his face. "are you okay?"