Confused

Chapter 20

Tuesday ugh I don't want to get out of bed, I don't think I can get out of bed. "Momster-new message".

I read it, "wake up we need to get going I work at 7:30"

"I do not feel very well :("

"Do you want to stay home?"

"Can I please?"

"Yeah, I will get Clair to get your homework okay?"

"Okay, I am going to go back to sleep now."

"Okay, feel better."

Oh fuck off since when do you care about my health? You never cared before why is it soooooo different now?? Ugh, I sit in bed for a while just curled up in a ball waiting for everyone to get out of the house. When I finally am completely alone I turn on some music. I don't really listen I just sit there and do nothing, I am nothing, I feel as if I am numb all the way through. Like when you get into freezing cold water and you go numb for a few seconds but then it starts to hurt, that is what it feels like, just those few seconds before the pain. At first it comes in waves and it feels different, but then it's constant and I like it, I am empty, I am nothing, I am not here. Maybe I can just be invisible for a while, and then I fall asleep.

I wake up, its a quarter after 12, Bring Me The Horizon is on, the song is sleewalking. I decied it's time to do something so I get up and go upstairs, it feels like im just wading through water and nothing is real. Don't cut you've been clean for a while now, do not do it. I find a candle, a birthday candle, it is purple and pink, I grab it and take it downstairs again. I get into my room and sit on my bed, I grab the lighter out of my desk drawer and light the candle on fire. I stab the flame into my wrist until it goes out leaving a perfect little circle. I do it again and again until I do not have the urge to cut. "Luke typing..." "snapchat from Luke"

That's weird he usually doesn't talk at school. I open it. "Hey"

"hi"

"whats up girly??"

"nothing, are you at school?"

"no sir, I didn't have to go my parents aren't forcing me today"\

"cool."

"are you at school??"

"nope"

"why are you not at school kaitlyn?"

"Mental health is as important as regular health isn't it?"

"yeah I guess but that doesn't answer my question."

"well then I am taking a sick day."

"you did not ... did you?"

why can't he type the word cut? is it too hard??

"No I did not."

"good! well since neither of us could possibly die from being around each other I am coming over okay?"

"I guess, my mom gets off at 6 and is at bowling till 8, dad works till 5 am, Clair has work till 9, and Haley will be with friends till like 7."

"So I can come over till like 7:45 if I am quiet will your litle sister is there?"

"Why not?"

"kk be there by 12:40."

"K"

I get out of bed and put on some sweat pants, brush my hair and put on a little bit of makeup, and then I finally change my shirt. "Okay he will be here in 10, what to do about you?" I say looking down at my wrist, I change my shirt again into one with long sleaves and put on two big rubber bracelets. It hurts because they rub but hopefully he won't notice.

*knock..Knock..* "Its open" i shout from the basement

"Im already inside i was just playin."

"Then get your arse down here!" i holler 

"im comin im comin....Whoa I've never seen your room before, it looks so um bright." 

"Yeah I thought painting it like this was a great idea 3 years ago."

"Oh, It just doesn't seem like you, I was expecting dark and brooding, not a unicorn on a shelf and a pink lamp."

"yup it isn't, Im just not allowed to get rid of this shit."

"okay so what do you wanna do miss mentally ill?"

"is sleeping an option?"

"with me yes?"

"perv."

"you love it"

" you know it " i say smiling at him.

"okay but seriously what do you want to do sick one?"

"wanna watch a movie?"

"sure"

"in here or wanna watch it in the living room down here?"

"in here if you are okay with me in your room anyway."

"well you are already in here aren't ya?"

"nope im in the door way." 

"get your butt on the bed i will grab my labtop and start a movie okay?"

"fine what ever you'd like."