depression

~comfortable in my own space~

    I see depression as being locked up in a cage, it's my comfort space, even if I shouldn't probably stay here, no matter how comfortable it is. It's a dark place, cold and empty. I don't see anyone around. When it started everything was so dark that I could only see pain. I was feeling sick, physically and emotionally. Everything was so overwhelming, I was being affected by everything that was happening.

     Most of the time I think so much, if I had to illustrate what's going on in my head it would be like a small ball of wool getting bigger and more tangled, taking over my head. Somehow from a small situation my head makes it feel like a disaster. I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes, probably because I constantly feel the need to live up to everyone's expectations, and I know that I can't, and that destroys me. But I need to remember that I have to live for myself, not for others. Will I ever start to overcome my depression if I get discouraged everytime I mess up? No. I have to live my own life, to make my own choices that are not based on other people's opinion.

     If I had to give depression a name I would call it hopelessness, for a long period of time I felt like everything is destroyed and nothing has sense anymore, like I don't have hope. I always searched with desperation the key to that cage, but I was always so tired to do something to actually get it.

     But someday, through that cage came light. With the help of some friends, medication, going to a therapist and psychiatrist. But still I couldn't escape it, but now it wasn't that bad
I was getting so used to the place that I was in. Instead of trying to escape I was doing things to make me stay in the same place.

So please read my nonsense, maybe I can give you some tips or just make you enjoy reading  what I wrote. I'm trying to make this more positive with every chapter. I'm learning as I'm putting down my thoughts on ''paper''. If I did it, you can do it too.