The October Amaryllis

Chapter 28 - May 19th, 2020 8:20 A.M.

You know that feeling when you get punched in the stomach and literally cannot breathe? You know what it feels like to gasp for just one breath of air? That's precisely what I felt after hearing about what happened to Malcolm. I honestly thought I would forget how to breathe and die from cerebral anoxia. It was as if time had slowed down immensely at that moment, and I was just trapped in an inferno to suffer for the rest of my life. I felt sick to my stomach and felt an uncomfortable heat rush throughout my body; I felt like I was dying. All I could do was repeatedly murmur, "Please no, this isn't real." It was almost like my mantra.

The situation reminded me of an experience when I was around seven or eight. I was playing in my school's playground on the monkey bars when I suddenly slipped and fell stomach-first onto a rock. I remember being in agony and clutching my stomach, completely unable to breathe. It was as if I was drowning. This was far more painful in comparison.

Sometimes I hate that chaos surrounds me. When all the answers that I seek are around me. Am I drowning? Am I fading away?

"B-b-but how did I forget? I can't believe that I forgot something so important! What the hell is wrong with me, Dad?" I said, starting to genuinely weep at that moment.

"You experienced the pain of it over the past two years and pushed it into your subconscious. Your mind tried its best to make you forget, and eventually, you did. Nothing is wrong with you, and in fact, this is a common occurrence. I'm sure he didn't hold a grudge against you," he said, hugging me so tightly that I nearly squealed like a little girl.

I'm such a horrible person...

"You're right. Do you know why he did it?" I asked, trying to stop myself from shaking all over the place. This hospital might as well have been a freezer.

"It's not one of those things that one can easily answer. Everyone has their reasons, but whatever pain they're going through is big enough for them to want a way out. Some say it's selfish to commit suicide, but that only negates the person's struggle. We should be supportive instead of bringing down the people in our lives," he said, hugging me tightly again.

"I love you, Dad," I said suddenly, feeling a spark of happiness within me. For a moment, I had almost forgotten about all of my troubles.

"I love you too, son," he said, patting me on the back.

"Hey, let's do that father and son thing we used to do when I was younger, okay?" I said, excited that I had suddenly remembered it. I wondered how many more memories were hidden by now.

"Okay. Like father," he spoke dramatically.

"Like son."

In my darkest moment, I found the brightest joy. We often take happiness for granted, but I promise not to do the same for you anymore. This is my new reality; this is my chance at redemption. This is my destiny. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.