The October Amaryllis

Chapter 55 - May 20th, 2020 3:05 P.M.

I have a confession to make; sometimes, when I do something stupid, I hit myself really hard in the leg. After Ashley got sent back to the hospital, I ran into the bathroom and punched myself as hard as humanly possible on the right leg. Instantly I felt a throbbing pain, and the pain actually calmed me down. Perhaps it was all the endorphins my body was producing, although I have no idea. I've been doing this for around three years now and have been unable to stop it. I have bruises all over my legs because of it, and when people ask me about it, I lie that I fell. It sucks because I can be a highly convincing liar; the trick I use is looking the person in the eyes the entire time and not averting my gaze for any reason. As long as you maintain your cool, you can get away with lying about pretty much anything.

Right after I hit myself, the voices came back, this time coming from my ceiling vents. I started hearing this one voice whisper, "Nobody will remember you when you're dead," and my mother calling out my name anxiously; I swear it felt so realistic I almost got up to look for her. I also heard my father repeatedly yell out angrily, "Look what you've done, Clive!" with each time getting louder and louder, echoing around me as if I was in a tunnel.

I sat down next to the toilet in a fetal position and thought over this whole situation. A friend that I deeply cared for had a seizure because of my time travel. I can handle having a seizure myself, but seeing someone else having one is horrifying. Now I know why Delilah was so terrified when she saw me having one. In the craziest twist at that moment, I actually missed her. I knew I shouldn't have, but she at least was entertaining. I had missed all of my time travel experiences, in fact, and I hated it. It was like a drug, and it wouldn't stop until I was dead, both mentally and physically. I also practically missed Maynard because of how lonely I felt; it's like I was so lonely that I would have welcomed any company.

I thought about hitting my head on the toilet bowl to distract myself from all the voices and my own thoughts. My father kept telling me how disappointed he was in me. I remember hearing him say, "The world doesn't need people like you in it," and that I should just kill myself because I was worthless.

"It's not your fault, you know," Morgan said outside of the door. I still have no idea how he knew I was blaming myself to this day. I swear, he was clairvoyant.

"Then why does it feel like it? I'm responsible for another person going to the hospital; how can I not feel guilty?" I asked, shaking like autumn leaves in the wind.

"Because sometimes we blame ourselves for things that aren't our fault. Everyone does it at some point, and you're no exception, Clive. Let it go; it'll only hurt you if you let it grow," he said, opening the door and putting his jacket on me. I have no idea how he knew I was cold.

"Thanks, I needed that," I replied, getting up and lying down on my bed.

There was a little while of awkward silence until he mentioned The Alchemist out of nowhere.

"You know there's this one quote from The Alchemist that I really like; it goes like, "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

"So, do you think if I really want Ashley to be okay that she'll be alright?" I nearly pleaded.

"I think so; I think the more you think about this situation, the more you'll worry. You know what I do when I'm going through severe pain?" he asked, leaning in.

"No, what do you do?" I asked, curious.

"I just don't think about it. Pretend like it doesn't exist. I lie until I can convince my mind enough to completely forget something. It's not the healthiest way to go about things, but it gets the job done, so there's that. Caring too much causes pain."

"There's nothing scarier than being haunted by a memory," I said, suddenly remembering how my father had initially died. I had completely forgotten that I had saved him; I had become so accustomed to the comfort that it became normal to me. I thought at that moment of calling him out of nowhere. Somewhere, the universe was pushing me to talk to him.

And when the universe tells you to do something, you do it.