The October Amaryllis

Chapter 97 - March 16th, 2018 3:00 P.M.

Letting Malcolm die was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. To this day, I still haven't entirely forgiven myself for having to make that choice. Unfortunately, his existence led to a dystopian future, so I had to prevent that. Either way, it was going to lead to death and suffering. I guess we're supposed to pick the lesser evil when in these situations, but a part of me wished to let things stay the way they were. If they did, I could forever live in my fantasy world where nobody died and where everything went my way. Yeah, that's selfish, but it's the much more enticing choice. That's also how gambling works. You could work and make money, or you could take the chance to earn some in seconds.

I stood right outside his house for what felt like days but was really around half an hour. Every second, my heart was beating faster and faster. Was I right to be doing this? I almost wished I could have passed out so I wouldn't be aware of his life slowly ticking away. This was the textbook definition of torture.

Could time go by any slower?

Time moved by incredibly slowly as if everything was in slow motion, and I wondered if it was going to stop completely. I wanted so badly to hit my leg at that moment to distract myself from the pain for a bit. I decided against it and instead waited with dread for the moment that Malcolm would kill himself. It felt like watching a ticking bomb, knowing you can't defuse it.

When the clock struck 3:29, I started having a full-blown panic attack; I honestly couldn't form a coherent thought because of how freaked out I was. I swear I felt like I was the worst person in the world at that point. I wished that lightning would strike me and end my life right there; it would be such a quick death after all. But then again, I could become like that unlucky bastard who was struck by lightning seven times and survived each time...

Then the clock struck 3:30, and I felt the most horrible chills overcome my body. I just knowingly let someone kill themselves; I felt like a monster.

It is done.