The October Amaryllis

Chapter 110 - October 26th, 2019 - 3:45 P.M.

One of my favorite books of all time (Charm & Strange by Stephanie Kuehn) describes precisely how I felt being back at my father's funeral in its very first sentence, "I don't feel the presence of God here." I honestly felt like God had abandoned me during the funeral; if He exists, then why can't He just talk to us directly? Sometimes, I feel like He's disappointed in me and doesn't speak because I am unworthy. Analee told me that God is just mysterious and loves me deep down. I sure hope so because I honestly feel like I'm destined for hell.

Anyways, I did something entirely different this time around; I went through the funeral without going on my phone. I already disrespected my dad once; there was no need to do it again.

"You actually got off that phone of yours," Grandma Rosie said with a wide smile. She was always on my case about how much I used it. The truth is, I use my phone as a form of escape to avoid thinking about my problems. Cat videos are a fun little time-waster, but when it's time to sleep, I'm left alone with my thoughts. That's why I absolutely hate it when I can't sleep; I spend the entire night thinking over every mistake I've ever made. The biggest one I ever made was deciding to play fight with this one kid in a bouncy house. At first, we were having lots of fun despite me chipping one of his teeth; then. Then, I punched him in the face a little too strongly. He crumpled to the ground, and I knew right away that something horrible had happened.

When he finally came to, he didn't know what had happened or even what his identity was. I gave the poor kid amnesia, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. Anyways, I searched for my family and told them everything that had happened. My mother was beyond furious. As for my father, he told me, "Let's hope they don't sue us."

We went back to the kid still in the moon bounce and called emergency services for him. His parents eventually showed up and asked us what had happened to him. I had to come clean and tell them that I had given their son literal brain damage. They were horrified and gave me a look of pure contempt.

Anyways, they didn't end up suing us or anything crazy like that; we had to pay the boy's hospital bill, though... I never saw the kid again and wonder to this day about what happened to him. I have so many unanswered questions. Did he ever regain his memory? Did his injury affect his quality of life? Has he forgiven me for what I've done if he regained his memory?

I have way too many skeletons in my closet, in all honesty. I'm always afraid someone will find out about my past and ask me all about it. I've been asked about my uncle getting arrested before, and it's not a fun experience.

"I just want to show my dad some respect; it's the least I could do," I replied with an artificial smile. I often fake them during stressful situations so no one thinks something is wrong with me.

"He loved you very much, you know..." she said emotionally, looking down at the grass.

"I know; he was the best father I could ever ask for."

After that, the ceremony, or whatever the hell it's called, began. My mother was the first speaker, and I gave her speech all of my attention for once. The time before, I kinda zoned out and started reading about spontaneous human combustion. That's one of my worst fears right there, that I'll randomly burst into flames and burn to death. I know it sounds crazy and unrealistic, but in this world, anything can happen. After reading about what happened at Khamar Daban in 1993, I fear everything. I swear I'm either anxious, afraid, or paranoid. I try to form connections with people around me, but the more I attempt to, the more alienated from this world I become. I hope that the sun goes out a couple billion years early and kills us all; I'll be gleefully counting down those last eight minutes. Now that's what I call the countdown to extinction! Might as well put that Final Countdown song on, too. Anyways, back to my mother's speech...