Love and War (Jemily) [M]

Chapter 15

A/N- hey hope you liked the last two chapters, but this one is going back to being kinda sad 🥺
TW⚠️- depression, panick attacks, self- harm, ptsd, mentions of suicide attempt

This ones only short but the next chapters are going to be the letters Emily wrote to everyone.

This whole chapter is JJ's POV btw!

JJ's POV

Emily's been home for a week. She's not moved out of bed. She's not speaking. She only gets out of bed to use the bathroom. She hasn't eaten.

She's incredibly depressed and I don't know what to do. I need to do something to make her feel better.

She cuddles up to me at night as usual but we don't speak as much. I wake up alone this morning and immediately panic. "Em?" I shout.

I walk towards our bathroom and hear the shower running.

I also hear her softly sobbing. "Em?" I ask again knocking on the door. I hear her sniffle.

"Yeah?" She says 

"I'm coming in okay?" I say. I hear movement then I open the door.

She's sat on the floor of our shower, fully clothed, crying. I immediately get in and sit next to her. Not caring that my clothes are getting wet.

I pull her head onto my shoulder and just let her cry it out. "Shh, it's okay" I say stroking her hair. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." I say gently caressing her.

She doesn't say anything but her breathing steadies when I speak to her and she calms herself down. "Talk to me baby. What's going on inside your head?" I ask after she's calmed down.

"Just the stuff she was saying. I can't stop repeating it in my head. If she thought this about me why didn't she just let me die. I wanted to. She wanted me to. Why do people keep saving me? I don't want to be saved. I'd rather be dead right now. I know that's not fair on you or the team but it's just that, I don't know how to face these feelings. I can't compartmentalise
these ones. I just don't know how to feel. The person who gave me life wishes I was dead. What does that say about me? I must've been a shit daughter my dad abused me constantly but I managed to get through it. She started beating me and I compartmentalised it but now I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't." She says putting her head in her hands. Muttering "I can't" over and over to herself.

"Emily. Emily look at me!" I say sitting in front of her.

"You were not a shit daughter. You were the best. It was your parents who were shit. None of this is your fault okay I need you to repeat that to me"

She doesn't reply. She looks like she's about to have a panic attack.

"Hey Emily look at me." She looks me in the eyes and I can see the fear in them. It's breaking my heart to see her like this.

"Just breathe, okay 1...2...3...1...2...3..." she starts slowly counting with me and starts to calm herself down.

She steadies her breathing and I turn off the shower.

I pull her up and walk her to our bedroom, laying clothes out for her and getting some out for me.

She starts slowly getting changed so I run to the kitchen to make us coffees and put a film on. I get blankets out and order pizza.

I walk back into our room and she's just finished putting her hoodie on. I take her hand in mine and gently pull her into the living room. I sit her on the couch and then I sit on her left. I pull her close to me and start the film. I occasionally whisper sweet nothings in her ear and tell her she's loved.

She's got her head in my lap and I'm stroking her hair. "Jayje?"

"Yeah baby?"

"The..uhh...the letters I wrote for you all, what happened to them?"

"I brought them back and put them in your draw in your office. I didn't show anyone though."

"Thank you." She says sitting up directly facing me. "I really needed this today. You've made me feel so much better. I don't know what I did to deserve you." She says placing a soft kiss on my lips.

"Always baby, and whenever you feel like shit we can do this or whatever it is you need. I am not letting you lose this battle because we will fight it together."

She places another kiss on my lips and we lean back so we are now laying down tangled together on the couch. She's kissing me softly up and down my neck. The smile back on her face that I haven't seen for at least a week.

She stops and just lays next to me. With that we drift to sleep together.

—the next day—

It's Emily's first day back today and she seems so much better. She asked all of us to meet her in the conference room just before lunch.

We all walk in and she's stood with the letters in her hands. "Hey everyone" she starts. "So you're probably wondering why I called you all here. Well the reason is that the night I tried to take my own life I wrote each and every one of you a letter saying how much I loved you or just random things I wanted you to know. And I was going to throw them out but I've decided that I'm going to give you your letters so you can read them and do what you will with what's said in them. I'm very glad that I didn't die that night and I'm so thankful that I have you guys as my family. Anyways, I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate you all tremendously."

She hands everyone their letters and they all go off reading them.

A/N- hope you like, be prepared for sadness for the next few chapters as each chapter is going to be Emily's letter to that specific BAU team member. So I'm sorry 🥺