the accident

epilogue

a month later

The wind is cool. The breeze gives me shivers down my spine. The air is foggy; it's almost stereotypical for a day like this. The branches are crackling underneath my feet as I step on them. I finally see what I've been wanting to see. I kneel down. My knees collapse on the ground, the dampness of the grass is making my jeans soggy. I see his name; it's on a cement tombstone. And it's engraved:

Miles Ericsson 1995 - 2017

    After Miles seized up, I woke up in a hospital bed. "Ms. Marino, you had a miscarriage! We are so sorry for your loss! There are numbers you can call for aid..." But I couldn't hear anything! I demanded to know what happened to Miles. "We tried everything we could." A doctor said. I hear it all over again in my head. "He had an infection on his new liver—that we were unaware of. He flatlined at sixteen thirteen." She continued, and I ignored her. "I'm so, so, sorry," she frantically repeatedly said. I felt everything inside of me break. Feeling the need to catch my breath, but oddly couldn't catch it.

Imagine, dying. Lying flat on your back, feeling your world collapsing right in front of your eyes. Having no idea what caused the pain, nor how to fix it. Having all the best memories of your life flash before you. Having your girlfriend scream bloody-murder. Or having the heart-rate machine drum in your ears. It's a scary feeling. Being dead cold, and feeling your lungs debacle as God may or may not take you up to Heaven.

    I don't even know how I'll recover from something like this. Imagine witnessing your boyfriend's death. Right in front of you, and you're partly the reason for it. You are the only one to blame. You know that it's all your fault because you pushed him over the edge. You made him unhappy. You made him hurt internally. You kicked him out of your apartment. It's your fault, Emma Marino!

    If you ask me if I could erase the part of my life with Miles right as the nurse announced his death, it would have been a yes, in a blink of an eye. It would have erased the pain that he caused when he died, it would have stopped the pain, it would have stopped the constant numbing in my heart, it would have stopped the endless lumps always forming in my throat. On the other hand, it would also erase all the good memories we had together: the love we shared; the fun times we had; the little looks we gave each other; the TV ad obsession; the I love you's being too early in the relationship; the honesty and openness of our relationship; his constant need to save me from anyone that may harm me (Marcus, my dad, etc); the teasing in the least harmful way; the butterflies I got waking up next to him every morning; his spontaneousness; his humour; his tattoo sleeve; his soft touch; his cuddles; the kissing; his smile; his eyes...Now, I don't regret it for one-second, remembering all those extraordinary memories. The thing I regret is being the reason for his death...

    "I wouldn't have worn mascara," he would have said smiling goofily. "See Emma, sometimes I am smarter than you..."

    I cry harder as the mascara stains my jeans a dull greyish-black colour."I should have listened to you," I say,    

    I put my hand on my stomach. It took me a few days to process everything. It didn't even occur to me how there was a human inside of me that died. A baby that we created without even realizing it. Miles' life ended just as our baby's life was supposed to start...God, I wish they were both with me right now.

    I put my hand on the thing I swear I'd never get. I put my hand on my wrist, and I traced the inked  ME with my finger. I place the flowers next to the tombstone. "I love you, Miles Ericsson, always and forever."

    end

________________

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

bea miller — I can't breathe 

I have no words of wisdom for this chapter.

QOTD: was this your prediction for the end? did you think miles was going to live or die?

I actually went through a lot of alternate endings. I went through a phase of not killing him off at the end, but I thought that that version sounded like such a cliché! despite the whole novel being a cliché, I wanted to add the element of surprise at the end. I knew that if I was reading a novel like this, I would assume that he survived at the end, and emma and miles live happily ever after. although, that's not realistic. death happens, and I felt like killing him off made the story less predictable.

there's one more chapter! I couldn't resist writing it.

MS<3