If you feel caged, please get out. Its not healthy for you. I hope this can help.
HE DOMINATES ME
“I—I'm sorry." I said as I looked into his eyes.
Nagtatampo kasi dahil di ako dumating sa planned na oras ng date namin. I was busy at nakalimutan ko na ang takbo ng oras. Nakatayo na siya sa labas ng nakasaradong café since its already 12 am.
His shoulders fell, at mabagal ang paglakad niya papunta sa akin. When his steps stopped in front of me, di ko mapigilang mailang at mapayuko. I can't look at him.
Hindi ko kayang tumingala sa kaniya lalo na't alam kong nagbabaga ang mga mata niya sa galit.
I was playing with my fingers nang bigla siyang nagsalita.
”Akala ko di ka na dadating." He sighed.
“H-Hindi ko naman kasi sinadya. Nab-busy ako b-buong araw dah-dahil may dumating na suliranin sa opisina k-kaya ayon." I looked at him.
Halos nanlamig ako sa kinatatayuan nang makita ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa kin. They were cold, boring through me like he finds amusement in my trouble.
He's so intimidating. I feel like my knees are wobbling. I feel so weak.
“I'm sorry." ngumuso ako habang pinigilan ang sarili na humikbi.
I don't want him to get mad at me. Ayaw na ayaw ko yung magtatampo siya. Di ko kayang isipin na I failed someone dahil sa pagiging pabaya ko.
“Apology accepted." Mahinang sambit niya saka napasuklay sa sariling buhok gamit ang mga daliri niya.
I looked at him, “Hindi ka galit?" ramdam ko tuloy yung panginginig ng mga labi ko.
“No." Tipid niyang sagot saka nag-iwas ng tingin.
“Nagtatampo ka ba?"
“No." tipid pa din niyang sagot.
“I-I'm sorry. Di ko naman kasi n-napansin. D-Di ko d-din s-sinadya—"
“I already accepted your apology. Bakit ka pa nagsosorry?" biglaang tanong niya sa kin.
“B-Baka g-galit ka o nagtatampo tapos di mo lang s-sinabi s-sa kin..." pinaglalaruan ko ang sariling mga kamay dahil sa kaba.
I was scared of him. And I know that.
“Annimone." napalakas ang tono ng boses niyang pagtawag sa pangalan ko kaya di ko maiwasang mapaatras.
No one had ever intimidated me like how he makes me feel so weak and powerful at different times.
Alam ko na nakikita na niya ang panginginig ng labi ko since he's looking down at my lips. Inangat niya muli ang mga mata sa kin ng may pagtataka.
“Are you scared of me, baby?" tanong niya sa kin habang tinitigan ako, hinahanap kung saan nakatutok ang mga mata ko.
I looked away, “I—I can't help it."
“Bakit ka natatakot sa kin? Why are you scared of me? Hindi naman ako nangangagat." He looked worried.
I looked down, “H-Hindi ko din alam kung b-bakit. Maybe, I just feel dominated by you."
“Dominated? Am I being controlling to you, Baby? Sinasakal ba kita? Kinokontrol ba kita for you to feel this voiceless to me? Tell me, baby. Tell me if naging controlling ba ako sayo."
I shook my head, “H-Hindi ka naman controlling. S-Sadyang ako lang talaga yung g-ganto. I just don't want you to g-get mad."
“Baby..." humakbang siya papalapit sa kin and stooped down to my level para magkasingtangkad ang mga mata namin.
“Huwag kang matakot sa akin. Hey, I'm your boyfriend. Huwag kang matakot. I'm not gonna do anything to hurt you." Inalis niya yung hibla ng buhok na nakaharang sa mukha ko, “Kasi kapag takot ka sa kin, its like parang dinedektaran mo yung sarili mo na maging perfect sa kin which is impossible."
“I just wanna be a good girlfriend. But I failed—"
“No, hindi pwedeng ganon, baby. Gawin mo kung ano ang gusto mo. Hindi naman ako magagalit at iintindihin kita. Hindi pwedeng sa akin lang din umiikot ang mundo mo." he smiled, heating my cheeks. " Tanggap kita sa kung ano ka. So, don't be scared of me, okay? Do you get me, baby?"
"Oo, uhm..."
“Ayaw kong maging katulad ka ng iba na walang boses sa isang relasyon. Huwag kang sunud-sunuran sa kin dahil hindi ka ganyan. You're my girlfriend, the only woman I love. You're not my minion."
I stared at him.
“Don't be scared, okay? Huwag ka nang mag-alala. Let's just camp na lang kaya since saturday bukas?"
"Um..."
“Let's watch the sunrise together?" nakangiting tugon niya.
Oh, kung alam mo lang.
Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako kahina pagdating sayo.
I was scared of him.
Not because he's a violent or controlling person , well, he's not like that though.
I was scared of him, of losing him because of my failures.
I was known as a very independent and a powerful woman but when it comes to him, I just want to feel him dominating me.
He dominates me.
No matter how I put it.
It feels good being dependent on someone.
And this kind of fear isn't destructive.
Its the feeling of finally being open to someone, of being powerless and dependent. Yung tipong ibinahagi mo na sa kaniya sapagkat alam mong sigurado ka.
Its not controlling and manipulative.
Its heart-warming knowing na someone can really make you soft.
I found the fire who melts my frozen heart. I hope you'll find yours too.
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