I'm sorry...~America

Distance

~Matthew's POV~
I can't breathe, I can feel the pounding of my heart in each of my fingers. My brother- Alfie- the boy I grew up with my whole life- my fucking twin brother- just said he wants to kill me. Have I really been that awful to him? I've always tried to be the nice one in the family, i don't think I've ever done anything that serious to him...have I? Did I do something to hurt him and just forgot? No there's no way I would forget something like that but- why else...would my best friend want to kill me? I coughed as I choked through my tears, I took my glasses off to try and clean them off but I was shaking so much that I dropped them on the floor. I froze and continued to sit there and shake. I hate feeling like this, my stomach feels like it's about to turn inside out. Just then there was a tiny knock on the door and Alfred came in with Tino and I tried desperately to wipe my eyes and calm down but I couldn't move. I could hardly even focus on slowing my breathing I had burst into a full panic attack already. The only thing I can do now is wait until it stops. Alfred clearly recognized what state I was in and just calmly walked over to me and took a seat next to me. I glanced over at him slightly and he picked up my glasses from the floor. Tino stood at the door and kept quiet as he watched us.

~Alfred's POV~
I sat up straight next to Matthew and looked down at his glasses before gently putting them back on his face, "I'm sorry Mattie..." I stared at him for a second, Matt had a lot of bad panic attacks when we were little but since then they seemed to dial down a lot to where he could calm himself down in about five minutes. But looking at him now...I think this may be the worst one he's ever had; that I know of anyway. Matthew opened his mouth to try and say something but nothing came out, I frowned and held his hand and tried to stay calm for him. "Hey it's okay just focus on your breathing" Matthew gave my hand a violent squeeze and did his best to calm his breathing. It took a good 20 minutes but the attack finally seemed to go away, Matthew let go of my hand and held his in his lap. "Why are.." he paused for a minute "okay first of all thank you for calming me down....second, what the hell Al?.." I sighed and slouched whilst looking down at the carpet "I'm sorry...I take back what I said I really do..." Matthew looked at me "but did you mean what you said?...." I slumped down further and glanced at him "I...I did....but I..I don't want you to die Mattie..." Tino cleared his throat and gave me a look. "I...I just thought that...maybe if I killed you then you would be happier..." Matthew paused and frowned "Alfred even if it would make me feel better it would make some people feel worse" "yeah uh...I didn't think about that until Tino said it..." I picked at my sweater sleeve and refused to look at Matthew "I never really wanted you to die though..I just...wanted you to be free I guess....but I know now that it's a terrible idea..." "well I'm glad you've come to your senses on that topic..." Matthew put his hand on my back "but...I still want to know where this is all coming from in the first place...did I do something?" I sat up and looked at him in shock "I'm sorry- what?" What was he talking about? "How could you ever think you did something to me?" "Oh Jee Alfred I dunno maybe because you avoided and ran away from me?" I frowned and gritted my teeth "eesh...right...that makes sense...sorry" "it's fine...but seriously what happened?" I shook my head and held my arms "I don't really want to get into it so..just...to put it simply I've lost a lot of people I care a lot about and I just...I don't want to live anymore knowing that I will never see them again in this life or in another...I'm tired of living in a cruel life cycle of death and greed and just...utter despair"

~Matthews POV~
I frowned and held Al's arm, "I know how you feel Alfred....I've lost people too...and you know your right about the world is cruel and..people are definitely greedy but...as cheesy as it sounds, there is some beauty in it all" Alfred frowned "what do you mean?" I squeezed his hand and looked down at it "i mean though death is tragic for us...think about how happy they probably are in the after life...not to mention what takes place when normal people die, they end up in the ground- usually- and give back to the planet and give new life to the plants and animals that live on it, I know that sounds hippyish but I think it really is beautiful...and it's not like the people we loose are ever really gone...I mean we remember them don't we? As long as they aren't forgotten do they ever really go away?" Alfred's lip quivered and tears began to form in his eyes as he struggled to respond, "I know that nothing I've said has made any sense really but I'd like to think it did...but wether you understand it or not I'm just glad I'm finally getting to talk to you again..." I gave him a small smile and Alfred burst into tears and hugged me tight "I'm sorry Mattie- I- what you said makes sense but I- I'm sorry but I still..." I held him tightly and cut him off "it's okay...if your depressed I can't expect a simple motivational speech to make you feel better...but I promise if we stick together you- we will get through it."