Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 6: Accepting & Coming Out

In December 2016, I found a post on a pet confession account on Instagram, where pet accounts from the pet community (that I was a part of) sent in confessions to the account, sometimes anonymously. They were either negative or positive. There was a post that asked if anyone in the pet community identified as part of the LGBT community. I read the comments on the post from people who had commented that they were gay, and found a comment by a pet account, ran by a boy, who was gay. I messaged him and asked him about his sexuality. Then, we had text conversations about sexual orientation. I had told him about my attraction to boys, but that I did not accept it because of my great fear of being punished by God. I didn't want to go to hell, after my death, for being attracted to boys. So, the boy sent me some YouTube video links about homosexuality,and the science behind it. One of the videos was a TED Talks video titled "Homosexuality: It's About Survival, Not Sex." I don't remember the title of the second video, but both of the videos taught me something I didn't know about homosexuality. I was finally starting to see it as something good instead of bad. It wasn't something you chose. After watching the videos and informing the boy that I was done watching the videos, the boy messaged me that it wasn't a sin, in Christianity. He really helped me accept my sexuality. So, I make the tough decision of coming out on my Instagram stories on my female turtle's account, @maxxloniatheturtle, on January 9, 2017. I received a lot of positive messages, but a few negative ones. Three of my internet friends had replied to my Instagram story, telling me that it was wrong to be gay as God did not accept it. I was very nervous and sad, but I texted them that being gay wasn't a sin. All three of them decided to block me as they disagreed with my statement. One of them decided to unblock my Instagram account and become my friend again, but he always made fun of me before I came out, so his reaction to my coming-out wasn't shocking. It kind of was expected by him, honestly. Many people were mean to me for many years besides him, and I never understood why until late 2020. The negative reactions had triggered my OCD and PTSD, that were far-yet to be diagnosed.
During January 2017, I watched many videos of same-sex couples until I only watched videos from one same-sex couple, who were YouTubers, Joey Graceffa and Daniel Preda. I enjoyed their videos, especially their vlogs, and seeing the numbers of people that watched their videos showed me that many people in the world were accepting of homosexuality, boosting my confidence. I always posted on my Instagram stories about the YouTube couple and my funny obsession with attractive men after that day. Of course, I had my family blocked from my Instagram stories because the stories were inappropriate, and because I didn't want them to find out about my attraction to boys as I didn't feel comfortable coming out to them. I feared being unwanted by my own parents as I had read online about parents kicking their own children out for being part of the LGBT community. I loved my parents, plus where would I go? I had no one but them. So, of course I was afraid.
The same boy who helped me accept my sexual orientation was the same boy who I happened to date online in January 2017. The relationship only lasted about 20 days. It was my first ever heartbreak from romantic love. We were in the same age range. I was 14 and he was 13, I think. Our relationship ended because of a fear. He said that he was afraid of going to hell, which was ironic, because he had told me that gay people didn't go to hell just because of their same-sex attraction. I told him that it wouldn't happen and that he can't go to hell for something he didn't choose. He was born that way because of the scientific studies that showcase evidence that homosexuality is driven by biological factors, not choice. He was still afraid despite what I said and because of his fear, he broke up with me. I was really sad, but I managed to recover from it. We remained friends and texted almost everyday on instagram. He had become very religious though, which changed his entire personality. He used to be witty, generous, and romantic, but now, he talked about God and the Bible, which I respected and accepted, especially as I was a Christian myself, so I didn't mind, but, he had become an entirely different person than who I had met in December 2016. He eventually got rid of his fear and informed me that God did indeed accept homosexuality, but his strictly-religious personality remained the same. We never dated again, though. We only remained as friends, and I didn't like him romantically anymore because of his new personality. It just wasn't what I found attractive in a guy. His personality didn't seem like his true-self as was driven by fear, rather than love, for God. I thought Christianity was about love, not fear.