Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 19: OCD & My Diagnosis

Before the idea of Xander, I suspected in December 2020 that I may have had OCD after doing research online through reliable sources that ended in .edu, .gov, or .org. I don't remember what made me look up OCD in the first place, but reading information on the disorder matched my symptoms, especially from what I had learned from YouTube videos of a Certified Peer Support Specialist, specifically for OCD, named Chrissie Hodges, who spoke about Pure O in her videos, which is when your OCD is mental, not outwards. That means people with the internet term 'Pure O' have mental obsessions, rituals, and compulsions, while people with the stereotypical OCD have outward obsessions and compulsions. So for example, someone with Pure O may have a fear of stealing items at a store, so in their head, they can not stop thinking about stealing, both intrusively and anxiously. These are obsessions. Thus, leading to mental compulsions or rituals that involve the person to do mental things that will relieve their anxiety, but only temporarily. In fact, these mental compulsions or rituals are unhealthy and can worsen the illness. So, the person affected by OCD with a fear of stealing at a store may tell themselves that they are in fact not a stealer. They search for factual evidence in their head that will prove the fear wrong. However, OCD can find its way around and try to convince you that the facts aren't enough or wrong. It's like overthinking, but on a higher level. OCD is like having a broken thinking system in your head when it takes over with intrusive thoughts, something that I had faced for years. I have had fears of losing control and becoming someone that society rejects. I never knew what to do until I tried out ERP therapy with the help of my therapist, Paula Janssen, which is a type of therapy that requires the person to expose themselves to a fear. So, if your OCD was making you afraid of stealing at a store, your therapist will have you expose yourself to the fear by going to a store to look at the items at the store, as you feel tremendous anxiety, without doing compulsions. The affected person will feel that they will steal, but in actuality, they won't. It's ghastly and the process may be quick or slow for some, but it has shown lots of success within sufferers of OCD, even PTSD.
OCD is a life-long illness, so sufferers today, as of February 2021, have to live with the illness for the rest of their lives, unless scientists find better treatment that will make OCD a temporary disorder or create a cure for OCD. It may happen in the next century, next decade, or maybe even next year! Science is advancing more and more by day, so hopefully there will be something that will eliminate or better the OCD in my head, so I can be free from the disease, and think more freely.
I remember having OCD symptoms as early as Summer 2014, but it had grown out of proportion in 2018. I never talked about the symptoms to anyone as the intrusive thoughts were far taboo, so I feared that I was going to be seen as a monster because of the thoughts, which did not represent me. I wanted nothing to do with such thoughts, but they wouldn't leave my head as intrusive thoughts from OCD can stay in your head for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. Depending on the severity of the illness. The thoughts can't leave your head. Every human being naturally has intrusive thoughts, but they disappear after seconds or minutes. But, with OCD, those thoughts stay for a while, and it can be scary.
Everyday, I have to deal with the illness, but thanks to therapy, I have learned how to cope and manage OCD, even though sometimes, it is difficult for me to take care of. I already have to deal with PTSD and my bipolar disorder, which I was diagnosed with in September 2020. Just a few months after receiving my OCD diagnosis in July 2020. So, everyday, there is a battle that I have to fight in my head that can sometimes turn into mental wars that not only bring mental distortion, but also, physical symptoms. From medication, I receive some side effects like fatigue, so it's another add-on to this big chunk of rock on my chest, but I am strong enough to manage it. Although, it's manageable if I am at rest and not doing much in the day, as the more I do, the more strong my illnesses become. Because of this, there is no way I can work enough to support myself financially, even though, as of now, I live with my mother, but I can't live with her forever. What if she passes away, then how will I support myself? It's important to be self-dependent in today's society to survive. So. I applied for SSI benefits in August 2020, to receive financial support from the government. The benefits will not only give me financial support, but also give me eligibility for Medicare (a medical insurance) and food stamps. So, this will be beneficial, especially as I plan to live on my own in the future, but I have yet to receive a response as of February 2021, since the SSA can take months or even years to respond to individuals who have applied for their benefits. Only disabled, blind, and 64+ year old people are eligible for the benefits, if they can prove their inability to work enough hours.