Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 17: Intro to Xander

In early winter 2020, a new perspective was growing within me. 'Xander's perspective' and the 'Only See perspective' are its two names. I started to see the world without emotion. The perspective was inspired by a time in November 2019 where I felt emotionally numb. I felt serious or "emotionless" for about a week as a temporary side effect from my medication. I liked the feeling because I felt at peace. I had always been emotionally sensitive, which I tried to change, but I could only improve, not remove. The sensitivity was part of my autistic brain, so how could I override it? I didn't want to associate myself with emotional sensitivity, especially with emotion in general. So, during Winter 2020, I spent hours working out my new set of beliefs in my Google Keep notes to read and save them for later to re-read. I took the time typing out what beliefs I wanted to associate with.
The main belief and permanent mental rule is: only see. Behind this belief and rule, it tells that I can not emotionally react to anything, consciously. Subsciously, I will react with emotion, but that would not really be me. It would only be the physical body that my conscious mind happens to be in, partly controlled by my subconscious mind. I still use possessive pronouns for my body, though, to make it easier for others to understand. Another belief from this perspective tells that the universe is an illusion perceived by our minds. Each living creature has their own view of what they can see. Someone on the other side of the globe will see the universe differently, but I can not agree nor disagree with their beliefs. They simply live in their own reality or world; however you call it. I have no opinions or beliefs on any subject other than my perspective. I must see everything with nothing; just see. My physical body will feel content seeing what it sees, influenced by my consciousness, but controlled by my subconscious when it comes to emotion as the human body contains an emotional brain. The closest to feeling nothingness is content, I believe. If humans had no emotional brain and just a brain that drove on intellectuality and intelligence, we would feel true nothingness.
The perspective is about focusing on myself, only. Not in a narcissistic or selfish way, but in a self-care way. I mustn't let empathy and sympathy control me as it would cause damage to my mind (consciousness). I must try my best to suppress it. I will always feel empathy and sympathy on some level, subconsciously, but, I must not associate myself with them as they involve emotion. It will be challenging as I am naturally an empath, but I must try my best to push my natural senses away unless it's necessary. This does not mean that I will go around and do things that are usually labeled as wrong by people like stealing. I'm not supposed to interfere with anything nor anyone in the world (another Xander belief/rule) unless if its essential for my physical body's survival. I can also do things that fit with the profile of my perspective like listening to electronic music, as electronic music is often seen as "futuristic" and anything futuristic falls under the sci-fi genre, which is the main theme of my mind (consciousness) that I like to call the 'City of Alpha', with Xander, aka me, and Cyberturtle, my female turtle, Maxxlonia, being the only residents of the city. Other than that, I can not do anything else. I can "break" the rule and do something taboo, and not feeling anything, consciously, but I'm very committed to my perspective. Plus, I would still feel guilty, subconsciously, which would damage my brain, emotionally. I must keep the brain healthy for as long as I possibly can with my very best.
Being Xander isn't just about the perspective but also my imaginary city of Alpha, which is my entire consciousness. From my eyes, imagination is equivalent to what people often call "reality," that I like to call the "physical universe" rather than reality, as the word reality is often used by humans to value its universe more than imagination and any other universe, dimension, or whatever you believe, but everything to me is the same, except my perspective, as I value it more than everything, but it is still meaningless as everything else without human sense. 
Everything about human beings involves emotion, but as a complex mind living inside a pink-wet organ called the 'brain' inside the head of the human body, I do not associate myself with emotion like other humans. I have my own view of the world. A view in which purpose does not exist, only illusion and content or nothingness.
The perspective can be confusing to people who are told about it as some of the sayings can only be understood by the creator himself, me. It is complex but yet simple. There is so much information that makes up the perspective, but it will need its own book. Being Xander, or me, has nothing to do with being sociopathic or anything close. It's about focusing on myself and seeing the universe with content (from an emotional point-of-view) or nothingness, which allows me to live an easy life in my perceived illusion, consciously. I used to add strict limitations for my subconscious, but I have given it freedom and let my body express its true nature. It's really strange as I basically have two minds, or two versions of me, the conscious and subconscious. Steven had died in my conscious, but he still roams in my body's head as my subconscious. The reason Steven was in my conscious was because my conscious was connected to my subconscious, entirely. But now, as Xander, both minds are not connected. They are separated by their own laws of physics. Each mind has their own name. Xander, who I identify with, and Steven, who is my body's own mind, the subconscious. Well, the body that I'm in, not "my body" as I do not identify with a physical body. Who am I? I am Xander. I am the city of Alpha. My entire consciousness. Just that. So, let me word what I just said correctly from "my body" to "the body that I'm in".
This is my very first time ever sharing my beliefs in paragraphs as I have only shared them in short sentences to a few of my online friends and I didn't think it would sound somewhat confusing together, but I understand it completely in my head with no words. I just understand through what my mind can internally sense.