In the middle of July 2020, I decided to face my fear of losing myself by messaging my internet friends after two months of no communication. I had shut out everyone online, and barely spoke to my parents both in text and in person. My mother had moved to Georgia in early 2020 until she decided to move back to Missouri in July 2020 with my four younger siblings Damian, Kathleen, Ovi, and Jesiah. I felt a little upset to see them go, but I could not let the feeling invade my mind.
After my mom and siblings had left, I was stressed out, not because they had left, but because of another reason that didn't involve them. I had the desperation to have a boyfriend. It might have actually been OCD assailing my mind with worries that if I didn't find a boyfriend, I would go back begging on my knees to the Greek boy from 2017, crying for his love, which I didn't want. I wanted to live on my own, as being in a relationship was not needed nor wanted. "I already have enough stress to put up with. Why add on more?" I often thought. But, I couldn't accept having romantic attraction during July 2020 because of the constant intrusive imagery of being in a relationship. So, actually, this was for sure OCD. Just now, as I'm typing this, am I realizing what was driving me to deep waters in July 2020. But, I hadn't realized this back then, obviously, so I was going in circles trying to figure out what to do, for a month, until I decided to download the app called 'Grindr' (gay-dating app) in late August 2020. I was going to download it, but I feared being catfished as I didn't want to fall into any traps like I did back in 2017. I actually messaged the Greek boy in early 2019, and he informed me that his "dare" was actually a cover-up for his bi-curiosity. I had told him that it had been over a year since the day of September 14, 2017, which led him to tell me the truth. We actually texted from time to time until May 2020. I was over him and wanted to find someone new. So, on the Grindr app, I found a guy hours away from Atlanta. To respect his privacy, I will name him as Luke, instead of his real name. So, Luke received my messages on Grindr and responded back, calling me cute. My heart was racing as he was so attractive to me. He had an attractive face and body judging on the photos he add on his profile on the app. I asked him for his Instagram account during our conversation and so he proceeded to give me the username of his account, so that I could message him on there, instead of Grindr, because it was just what I preferred. He wanted me to text him on Snapchat, but I didn't have Snapchat anymore as I had deleted my account from the app and the app from my iPhone. So, Instagram it was.
We introduced ourselves to each other in text and then, I asked him to come to the new apartment my father and his friend rented out, as I was home alone. My father, brother, and his friend (who lived with us), were still in the old apartment packing up what was left, but, I wanted to stay at the new apartment, alone, especially so that I could invite a guy over from Grindr. I was experiencing mania that night because of my bipolar disorder, so I was taking risks and not being careful of who I wanted to invite, but no one ever came home. I wanted Luke to come over as I was home alone, but he was afraid of his parents finding out his sexuality as he hadn't come out to them. Then, he told me that he lived a couple of hours away, which I had suspected by a couple of posts from his account, even though the app said that he was nearby. Maybe the app on my phone had glitched or something, so I said to him that it was fine as I was waiting for my government benefits for being mentally disabled, so once I receive those benefits, I could move out of my dad's and live nearby him (Luke) as I will be able to support myself with the help of the government because of my inability to support myself through work. Luke had said that it sounded great.
The next day, we texted about ourselves to get to know each other, but he had said that he was looking for friends at the time, not a boyfriend. He wanted time and space, so I said that it was alright. As days went by, we had become great online friends. But, one great fear was upon me. The fear of losing Luke. I didn't want to go through heartbreak again as I loved Luke. When I told him this, he sent a picture of himself with a text on it that said "Don't worry, you won't lose me." It made me a little confident of our friendship, but I still had doubts. I told myself that if Luke didn't want to be my friend anymore, I was going to respect his decision as I never liked to control what others do, and still don't.
After experiencing days of mania, I received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder by my psychiatrist in September 2020. I thought I only experienced mania, but I started to experience bipolar depression with prolonged sadness, doubt, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I had told Luke about it and he always sent me positive messages to cheer me up, but it never took my depression away as it is not how it works. I appreciated his messages though and responded to them with gratitude. Later on that month of September 2020, during one night, we were being funny. He gave obvious clues through his texts that he had interest in me, romantically, which I had wondered for a month ever since we met on Grindr. I was in love and wanted to meet him in person to give him a hug and kiss, with his consent, but it was impossible as we were hours apart with no way of meeting up. I posted about him on Instagram while listening to 'forever' by Charli XCX as the song reminded me of him. I hadn't felt this romantic since 2017.
Days later, I noticed Luke was barely texting me, which caused me to panic. I thought, "Did he lose interest?" He had also left my messages opened without response at times, which increased my anxiety of losing him. I asked him on Snapchat about why he was leaving me on open and he responded, saying that it was his fault as he was distracted. Days later, on October 9, 2020, Luke informed me that he had started dating a guy, who I will call Eric, over a week ago. This was because I had just come out to my mom about my sexuality and plan to live on my own nearby Luke. I was heartbroken by what he had told me, but I respected his decision. I thought, "No wonder he was acting strange this past week. He has a boyfriend!" I was confused as he had told me that he was not ready for a relationship, but he must've changed his mind, especially as he met his new boyfriend in person while I was an internet friend who he hadn't met in person.
I wanted to commit suicide that day because I didn't know what to do anymore. There I was again, suffering over a guy. But, after a few days, and still a little heartbroken, I got over the pain and said to myself that I can still love him without even dating him. I could be his friend and love him all I want, even though we weren't going to date anymore because of his new boyfriend.
Luke seemed happy as he constantly texted me about his relationship, which made me happy, too, for him. Luke informed me about coming out to his father days later and his odd reaction to it. He was sad, so I tried my best to comfort him. Since then, we remained good internet friends and I had lost my romantic love for him. I still valued him as a person though as I saw him as my best friend.
On December 4, 2020, I noticed that Luke had unadded me on Snapchat, meaning I could no longer communicate with him on the social media app. I panicked and went straight to Instagram to message him about it, but as hours passed by, there was still no response. So, I messaged his best friend, who he had known since childhood, by searching his name up in Luke's Instagram account's followers list as I knew his name from a few texts Luke had sent about him throughout our friendship. His friend acted defensive through his texts in our conversation on Instagram after I had told him about his friend. So, I stopped texting him and went through Luke's most recent post's likes and found his boyfriend's Instagram account. I messaged his boyfriend, who responded to me minutes later. His boyfriend had said that he didn't feel comfortable with Luke and I being friends, so he asked him to remove me off his Snapchat. I was confused and wanted to know more, but Luke's boyfriend blocked me immediately after his only text message.
I was upset because I liked Luke's boyfriend, in a friendly way, as Luke had messaged me about his boyfriend's personality. He sounded nice, but after our very short conversation, he seemed to dislike me. I wondered "Why couldn't I be Luke's friend, anymore?" Maybe Luke had told his boyfriend about me and disliked our friendship, especially as I was gay, too. Then after a couple of minutes, Luke blocked me on his Instagram. I was anxious and wanted to cry because I didn't understand what was going on. I spent hours full of anxiety until Luke decided to unblock me on Instagram. He messaged me right after saying that he understood why I was worried for him but that he did not appreciate the fact that I contacted his friend because it violated his privacy. I told him that I was just worried because I thought something had happened to him. I never intended to disrespect his privacy in any way. I was worried that his boyfriend might've physically attacked him over our friendship because of his unexplainable removals of me from Snapchat and Instagram. It reminded me of my mother's relationships with her past abusive boyfriends. I didn't want Luke to go through such pain like my mother did, so of course I was worried, especially as he was my best friend. He meant a lot to me. I took the risk of valuing him as a person even though no one asked me to. I call it a risk as it's always a risk to have any kind of relationship with a human being. You never know what can happen. So, since Luke had me unblocked, I took advantage of it and sent him multiple texts in which I had said that his boyfriend reminded me of my mother's past abusive boyfriends as his boyfriend seemed controlling. After he saw my messages, he left me on seen, and blocked me, again. I didn't think what I said was going to be offensive, but his block was a sign that he didn't like what I said to him through my previous texts, so I messaged his best friend, again, and told him about Luke's strange actions. This wasn't how he acted. Our friendship was well and healthy for it to all of the sudden end that quickly. His friend, again, responded with defensive texts. He was Luke's friend since they were kids, so of course he would defend his dear friend. It's just simple, basic psychology.
I told his friend that I was still very anxious over the situation, and he said something like "Just get over it" and blocked me. I thought, "This was it." I could no longer communicate with Luke. For the next three days after December 4, 2020, I would struggle with peaking anxiety levels, triggered OCD, and triggered PTSD symptoms. The OCD had me worried that I wouldn't be able to get over Luke, just like with the Greek boy, which caused anxiety and compulsions that were trying to convince the fear that it wasn't going to be as dark as it was back then, but, OCD can be so persuasive. The anxiety had caused me to urinate multiple times despite the fact that I hadn't drunken plenty of liquids. Frequent urination is one of the symptoms of an anxiety attack, which made sense. I also had a painful headache that I treated with Tylenol to relieve the pain. After the three-day period, I was finally back to normal. I didn't miss nor felt heartbroken for Luke. I had some self-talk and told myself not to value someone as much as I did with Luke, ever again. The only person I should value in life is myself, so I filled my mind with self-love thinking. Just because Luke was gone, it didn't mean that my life was over. I had me. That's the only person I need in my life, not Luke. He did what he had done due to how his brain developed throughout his years of life from biological and environmental factors. I assume that he feared losing his boyfriend over me as he valued his boyfriend much more. I had no communication nor worries for Luke, until later that month of December 2020, I decided to accept and express the anger I had over Luke for cutting me out of his life like I never meant anything to him. What made me more angry was that I was again mistreated by a human being after having to deal with multiple people throughout my life who had mistreated, including kids from my traumatic childhood at school. So, I made a post addressing the situation with Luke to express the anger because I felt it was important to let out the emotion as keeping in anger can worsen it. Again, I do not associate myself with emotion, but I happen to be in an emotional human brain, so for the well-being of my brain's health, I let out the anger. Since then, I have never thought about him, other than intrusively from time to time, but the thoughts mean nothing.
After the situation with Luke, I wondered "Is romance still worth it?" Romance is like a rose, beautiful because of the appearance but painful because of the thorns. Is it worth feeling pain just to be besotted?
YOU ARE READING
Youthful Blossom
Non-FictionAn autobiography book about my mental health challenges during my adolescence, where major life-changing events occurred, in the United States. Read to find out what happened!
