Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 10: The Sexual Assault

I will call the new boy 'Jack' even though that is not his actual name, but I can not name him as I want to respect his privacy. Anyway, Jack and I became close friends in January 2018. We started texting on Instagram since I didn't want to do emails anymore as our form of communication. One night, we were texting each other and I saw it as a chance to tell him that I loved him, right after he had said that he had a crush on me, even though I didn't feel attracted to him. I felt really happy because I thought that I was finally going to be loved by someone. I knew I had friends and family that loved me, but I wanted someone to love me romantically. I was desperate for romance. Love is like a drug that you desperately crave for. You can not live without it. When it's gone, you seek for it. It's a beautiful feeling but the desperation is unhealthy.
Jack was really kind and friendly until one day, he did something that would traumatize me for the next two years. The day was January 28, 2018. The school day was over, but I didn't use the school bus as Jack wanted to spend time with me privately. He talked to me in the school's library with more details about him as the school let their students stay there after school for an hour. I didn't say much of course because of my autism. After our talk, we left the school with his friend and he wanted to walk me home. His friend was the first to go home. After his friend had left, Jack and I spent time alone. He asked me what I liked about him, and I said, "Your eyes." I felt happy because I saw it as an opportunity to improve my social skills especially as we were together alone, so no one could disturb us and since he knew about my lack of social skills, I could practice socializing with him, easily. We were on a plain field alone.
After our walk at the field, we walked by some houses. Then, he grabbed my hand as if we were a couple, and took me to a small place that was surrounded by trees. He started to look at me differently, which confused me. We started kissing and I don't remember if I gave him consent to kiss or not, but I do remember not giving him consent to touch my body. He started groping my buttocks and went under my pants, just over my underwear. He squeezed them as he harassed. It was getting very sexual, and he had said that he wanted to do more to me, but he didn't have enough time as his mother was waiting for him at home. As an autistic person, I am sensitive to touch. So, when he touched me, especially without consent, I felt even more uncomfortable. After that traumatic incident, Jack walked me home. No one was home when I knocked on the door. Jack left with a strange look. I think he was trying to seduce me with his face, but it only scared me more.
When my mother arrived home with her boyfriend, she was very worried because I hadn't come home in hours. I had spent an hour at the school's library and an hour outside with Jack. I felt bad for my mom, so I told her that I was "okay" when we were inside the house. I didn't tell her what had happened as I wanted to forget it. I just informed her that I was hanging out with a friend. When I went into my room to rest, I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I don't think I went to school the next day because Jack was there. For the next month, I had to go to school and see Jack at the cafeteria, gym, and in one of our academic classes. Whenever he saw me, especially at the gym, he had a strange look on his face that made me feel like I was his prey. He didn't acknowledge his mistake, until a week later, I believe. Jack wanted to walk me home after school again and said he wasn't going to do anything weird this time, but I refused.
A few weeks later, I emailed Jack about the sexual assault. I saw him read the email on his laptop in the cafeteria in the morning when it was breakfast time. I looked away immediately as I didn't want him to see me anymore. Later that school day, it was lunch time. I always sat with Jack and his friend together during lunch, even after the assault because I still saw good in him. Jack wasn't there with us at lunch except his things. I'm not sure why he had left his stuff at the table even though he had seen my email. I wondered if he was going to sit with us and talk about the email, which made me anxious. But, he came back for his things with a sad look on his face and left as quickly as he could. His friend then asked me "Is anything happening between you and Jack?" I lied to him with a "No." Then, the school counselor called me up to her office during the class I had after lunch. They talked to me about the email that Jack had told them about as he mentioned my name and confessed to her about what he had done. Then, I was informed about his school suspension and therapy. It was exactly a month after the sexual assault, February 28, 2018. Jack never came back to the school. I didn't know what had happened to him after that day as I blocked him on Instagram and logged out of the email that I used to email him, so he would never contact me again. When I arrived home after school, my mom informed me about a call she received from the school about me and a boy, who had both done something bad. I was confused because I hadn't done anything wrong. I was a victim of sexual assault. What wrong could I have done? Maybe the school consular misinterpreted what had been told to her.
I didn't want to go to school in Missouri anymore, which led me to miss plenty of school days. The school was strict with their students' attendance, so when I missed too many days, I was in big trouble. A student in America can drop out at the age of 16 or miss school as many days as they want until the school kicks them out for very poor attendance, but I was only 15 years old at the time, months away from turning 16. I didn't care about my education anymore. All I wanted was to move back to Georgia, if I wasn't going to commit suicide, because going to that school only made my PTSD worse and the Missourian town I lived in reminded me of Jack. So, I communicated with my father and told him over the phone that I wanted to move back to the state of Georgia, where he lived, but to live with him as my mom didn't want to move back because of her boyfriend, who turned out to be abusive. My brother Jamie wanted to come with me to Georgia, especially as he is my dad's son, too. The rest of my siblings have another father except Damian, who has his own father. We all share the same mother, though.
I wanted to commit suicide in early to mid April 2018 because my father was taking too long to find someone to pick me up as he didn't have a car to drive up to Missouri from Georgia. I couldn't stand living in the Missourian town anymore, especially after what had happened. Why live in a place that only triggered my PTSD? I knew I was going to leave my mom, Damian, and my little sister, Kathleen, behind, but I also knew that I was going to see them again someday.