Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 12: Back to School

After having fun during the summer like spending the weekends at the Six Flags water park with my father and brother, Jamie, and learning the fact that my mother had another baby boy just a day before my 16th birthday, Ovi, it was time for school. I was upset that I couldn't see my new sibling as he was with our mother in Missouri, while I lived in Georgia, but I was excited because it was a fresh new start and I really wanted to get my High School Diploma, but most importantly, my education, as I liked to learn. I was able to attend school everyday despite my PTSD getting in the way. I managed to get good grades during the first semester of the school year (August-December 2018). I wanted to make friends and be as social as everyone else at school, but I could never socialize with anyone friend-wise. I only talked if it was something important and basic like for example, if I didn't have a pencil, I would ask a student nearby for one. Something as basic as that was easy for me, but making friends was not, as communication with a friend tends to be too complex. I couldn't even say hello to someone to start a conversation. It just wouldn't come out of me naturally. It was even harder when I couldn't tell when it was the right time to say a hello and introduce myself to someone because I couldn't understand the body language I needed to know in order to speak. Otherwise, my communication would come off inappropriately.
I was having suicidal thoughts around November 2018 because I felt lonely. I wanted friends, but how could I make them when being social was not a natural thing of mine? What made it worse was that I did not know that I had Asperger's Syndrome, also labeled as 'Autism Spectrum Disorder.' I was two years away from educating myself about it from reliable online sources as I didn't know much about autism, let alone Asperger's syndrome. I didn't know how to make friends in person, so I messaged a girl from my Physics class, who seemed kind from what I could observe; Yaritzy Gutierrez. She has the same last name as my mother. I sent a long text message about my struggles with socializing to her on Instagram and she responded with a very kind text message. She agreed to help me and become my friend. We texted almost everyday. I talked to her about some of my life and she talked to me about her boy problems that were interesting to read. This was around September 2018.
We didn't communicate much in person other than her saying a hi and me waving a hi back, but we did on Instagram, a lot. She was my first close friend that I knew in person from school. I still struggled with socializing with people friend-wise in person until March 7, 2019, 10AM. I was able to talk a little to Yaritzy during class. She was at the table on my left at the back of the class, where I sat. She usually sat two tables in front of me.
I asked her how her day was going and how I couldn't understand the assignments in our Physics class. It felt strange as it was something new, but I was happy because I thought that I was going to become a social being like most people. I had a headache afterwards that I didn't know why it had occurred but I thought to myself that it was something new for my brain to process, so maybe the talk with Yaritzy was a little painful. Or it was probably just coincidental.
There was another girl at school, named Sanora, who I sat with at lunch because I had messaged her on Instagram, too, about what I was going through. I barely talked, but she made sure I wasn't lonely. She was very kind, but I felt bad because I didn't want her to feel obligated to sit with me. She brought a friend or two with her to sit with me most of the time at lunch. I barely spoke to her friends, but at least I had some company. Another kind girl named Gavi, who went to the same school, wanted to help me with my problem, too, as I had told her about it on Instagram. We already knew each other from years ago when my aunt lived at her family's apartment, but she was unable to help. She wanted me to go to an after-school club, for Hispanics, to meet up with her, but I had no transportation. I could have used my father's Uber account and have an Uber driver take me home after the school closed, but I was afraid of being sexually assaulted again. I never got to speak to Gavi in person, but we've always communicated through text on Instagram.
Unfortunately, since October 2018, I was experiencing more anxiety and depression day by day. The medication that I was on was not working. I noticed that I was starting to have loss of concentration, loss of balance, trouble understanding what people said, and understanding words from books as my brain wouldn't pick them up. I didn't know what was going on. I thought that I might have been developing a brain tumor because of these changes. Guilt sank into me as I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts from my OCD because I thought I was a bad person for having thoughts far too taboo. It was actually just OCD, but I was over a year away from being diagnosed by my psychiatrist. My PTSD was interfering with my ability to function, too, and not just from the sexual assault but also from all the bullying that I had to put up with as a child. I kept having intrusive memories about the kids who had bullied me, which made me sad and angry.
I saw my life, once again, fall apart. I forced myself everyday to go to school despite my mental health because I didn't want to miss more school days and fail my classes as it had already happened for the past two high school years. I didn't want mental illness to ruin my education again, so I tried my best to deny what I was feeling. I knew school was making my mental health worse, but I really wanted to receive some high school credits for graduation. Thankfully, I managed to get decent grades in the second semester of the 2018-2019 school year.