Youthful Blossom

CHAPTER 9: Months of Heartbreak

Depression had come back into my life just after it had left a few months before. The Greek boy blocked me for a little while, but proceeded to unblock afterwards. I texted him everyday that I missed him, especially our friendship. I didn't care if he didn't romantically like me back anymore. I missed our friendship, but things would never go back to the way they were. It was over. We did not date, but we were best friends. I wanted to talk to him every second of my life and not do anything else because I valued him way more than everything else, even myself, which worsened my depressive state of mind. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I knew he was on the other side of the globe physically, but I believed we were going to meet someday in person as adults. I listened to sad music as I was depressed and romantic-themed music to think about the boy of my dreams, who I will not name to protect his privacy. I was devastated that I had lost him because he was so perfect, I thought. He had everything I wanted in a guy. But, not everything goes the way we want them to go.
I wrote an entire 20-plus-songs album in my Google Keep notes titled 'Ghost' that was mostly about him. The lyrical content in my written songs were very poetic. I wanted to record the album at a studio and release the album out into the world like some of my favorite singers, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. I loved to sing and sang out my own songs. To this day, I still want to record my self-written album in a studio with the help of a record label to share to the world the sound of my broken heart. Hopefully, the day comes, but I don't know where to start. I will look into it and see what I can do to achieve this goal, but it will cost money that my family and I don't have, so I will need other alternatives. 
Anyway, writing songs was my main coping skill for the heartbreak that I was experiencing. I had an online boyfriend before, but I never felt truly in love with someone before. I was deeply in love with the Greek boy. Every time I saw pictures of him on my phone from his personal Instagram account, I would cry because I had lost my best friend and the love of my life. I didn't want to go to school anymore because I saw no point in it. I had just lost the best person in the world and with that loss, my life was over and there was nothing left to live for, I thought. The days that I did attend school, I didn't care to try my best on the assignments. I lacked motivation. When I had my physical education class, we sometimes went outside to the courtyard if the weather was good. I only walked around to do some laps as I didn't want to play sports because one, sports never interested me, and two, my social skills were very poor, so I had no idea how to communicate with my classmates if I wanted to play sports as they usually require people to play together.
During my walks, I thought about the songs I had written because I was really proud of my lyrical content, but also sad as they were about the boy. I felt intense emotional pain from just a mental image of him. I tried my best not to cry during my walks so no one would see my suffering. I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I wanted him back. But, I knew he wasn't going to come back, which hurt me more. Life as I knew didn't exist. Everyday felt like a day close to suicide. Whenever I came back from school to home, I always went on Instagram to check if he had sent me a message or not. Sometimes, when he didn't, I would text him and wait for a response because I couldn't bear the thought of living without him. I would text my internet friends about him and tell them how much he meant to me.
My mom had told me during this time that we were going to move to the state of Missouri with her boyfriend as he has family living there, so I saw it as an opportunity to have something to look forward to. I thought that moving to another state would help me heal from the pain, but it didn't. When we moved to the state of Missouri in late November, a few days at the new house, I was close to a suicide attempt. The day was November 28, 2017. I even wrote a song about it titled 'Remember That Day.' The very start of that day, I texted the Greek boy, informing him that I was going to commit suicide because I couldn't stand living without his love. He texted me many times telling me not to do it, and apologized for his mistake. I forgave him, but I still wanted his love, or at least, our friendship back. At 6am, I was very convinced by my suicidal thoughts and thought about going to the bathroom to do what I was planning to do, but fortunately, I didn't have the courage to do it. I wasn't attending the new school yet because I had just moved to the new house in a state I had never been to, and school applications may take days to process. I went to sleep after that perilous moment. When I woke up, I messaged the Greek boy on Instagram that I was okay. I thought about telling him that I didn't commit suicide before I went to sleep, but I decided not to because I wanted him to feel guilty for what he had done to me over a stupid dare.
In December 2017 at my new school in Missouri, I heard a boy say that he was bisexual, which made me think "This is my chance to get into a relationship with him." I wasn't attracted to him, but I wanted to date him because I was desperate to feel loved by a boy. I thought being with him would get me over the Greek boy. I couldn't communicate properly in person with the bisexual boy at my new school, so I emailed him, as I had found his email from Google Classroom. I introduced myself to him in the email and he replied to my long-typed emails. The next day, he started talking to me a little at lunch and in the class we had together, but not much as I barely talked back due to my lack of social skills.
I was so happy because it was finally time to move on from the Greek boy, who I still messaged him on Instagram in January 2018, when my friendship with the bisexual boy started growing, but barely. I always responded to him with a mean-like persona. My personality had changed from being happy and innocent to defensive.