Lastly (L.T.)

Chapter 64

I left the boxes at my apartment once I finished packing. Dallas could come by to pick them up later, and Louis arranged for my one box of clothing and my little photo album to be sent to his apartment back in London.

Louis had spent all of yesterday skimming through the files Harry had sent on my old laptop.

I remembered that the mission had been to get the virilium from Russian mobsters and that I had found the address for the house in the pocket of one of the more high power men.

I still hadn't told Jay or Dallas that I was planning to move to London permanently, and I knew it would be a difficult conversation, especially since Andrea's funeral was today.

I had no idea what Jay had planned for her funeral since he had been dealing with that whole situation himself.

He wanted me to focus on getting her apartment cleaned out and trying to find who had hurt her in the first place.

His only instructions for attending her funeral had been for Louis and I to show up at headquarters at midnight in casual black clothing and bring a lighter or a candle.

The instructions were definitely odd but I trusted Jay and did what he asked, opting for a simple pair of black leggings and my black leather jacket with a tank top underneath. Louis was in a black dress shirt and black skinny jeans, with a leather jacket slung over his shoulder.

Usually on nights like these, headquarters would be packed with gangsters and most everyone would be some form of drunk or high.

Louis parked the car outside the building and walked around to open my door for me, offering his arm when I stepped out of the car.

I took it, appreciating that he still offered his gently chivalry even though he knew I was already wrapped around his finger.

Too many men stopped trying once the had the girl, but he never did, he was always good to me. And I needed to lean on him tonight.

This entire thing was going to be rough and I had no idea how I was going to react.

I didn't want to have another panic attack and stress him out, but I was starting to understand it was okay to be vulnerable once in awhile. He just wanted to help me the same way I wanted to help him. Bottling it up wasn't doing either of us any good because we would inevitably reach a breaking point where all of our emotions would come spilling out.

He squeezed my hand lightly as we walked up the steps and I squeezed his back, taking a deep breath before I knocked on the door.

Almost immediately, Ducky opened the door and I stepped inside with Louis right behind me.

Ducky didn't have his usual yellow-toothed smile tonight, he looked somber and sad for once, and it broke my heart a little to see him this way. He was always the happy go lucky crazy one. He was never like this.

But it wasn't just Ducky that was different.

My eyes widened when I walked into headquarters.

Everyone in the place was dressed head to toe in black. There wasn't a spot of color anywhere in the crowd. There was also hardly room to stand it was so packed.

Headquarters was normally crowded on weekend nights, but it was now the most crowded I had ever seen it.

It was strange the way they were all standing tightly together and talking in hushed voices out of respect.

It was like every person in the gang had showed up tonight for Andrea's sake, and it was strangely beautiful to see.

We were criminals and savages and we inhabited the streets and slums. And yet, we were there for one another when it mattered.

Hundreds of people had shown up to honor Andrea at the drop of a hat as soon as they heard the news from Jay, and I was so grateful for every single one of them.

She deserved to be remembered and thought of. She was a soul far too kind for the life that she was given, and it seemed unfair somehow, that I was allowed to live and she was not. Between the two of us, I was always the ruthless one. I did the dirty work while she was my lookout. She was never violent unless she absolutely had to be.

It was so unfair. It was all so unfair.

It felt strange the way the crowds of people parted for me as Louis and I made our way towards the stairs. I had been used to it before I had gone to London, and I remembered that I had liked it. 

I had liked the way that people were afraid of me, that they respected me. Now, the only respect I wanted was to give and receive it from my friends. I didn't care about what anyone else thought anymore.

I was tired of pretending and bottling things up and pretending like I was okay when I really wasn't. I wanted to live a healthier life than the one I had started in. I wanted to be better, not as a person, my violent tenancies would never change, but I wanted to be mentally healthier for Louis's sake as well as my own. He deserved better than someone who was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown, and I deserved to accept love for once.

Jay had been so sad when he had never gotten the chance to tell Andrea how much he valued her, and I had never gotten the chance to really sit down and tell her either.

I never wanted to feel like that again. I wanted the people I loved to know for certain that I loved them instead of bottling up my feelings for the sake of seeming tougher than I actually was because it wasn't worth it. The tough persona I had put on had gotten me nowhere, and it was time that I figured out how to change that.

I wasn't sure where Jay was, so I decided to just head to his usual corner in the basement that he inhabited on weekend nights.

Even the stairs were filled with people and I had to place Louis's hands on my waist to make it clear that he was with me so that he wasn't swallowed by the crowds.

Before I could even get down the stairs, a voice sounded over a loudspeaker system throughout the building.

"Everyone please head out the back of the building to the parking lot for further instructions."

The building was quiet enough since everyone was keeping their voices down so I was able to easily comprehend that it was Jay's voice. I had no idea when the speaker system had been installed though, it certainly hadn't been there when Louis and I had taken our original mission to New York.

It was definitely useful though. It was an easy way for him to get instructions out to everyone without having to send people out to scream instructions over everyone's conversations.

Already, I could tell most of the crowd was moving in the direction of the back exit, but we couldn't get through yet because there were so many people.

Gradually, the field of black moved forward step by step until we stepped out into the crisp night air in a parking lot filled with people dressed in black. 

The parking lot was secluded from nearby streets and Jay was smart to choose to hold her funeral here. 

There was no way we could have done it inside the building with the amount of people that showed up and there were no street lamps nearby so no one would be able to immediately see the massive crowd of people that had gathered here even if they did decide to take a stroll down the alley that led to the lot.

"Are you doing all right, love?"

Louis whispered gently in my ear, and it was only then that I realized I had been completely silent since we arrived at headquarters.

I had been thinking so much that it hadn't occurred to me to explain to him what was going on in my head.

"Yeah, I'm just...thinking..."

I wrapped my arm around his waist and leaned my head on his shoulder to offer him some reassurance while we waited for whatever Jay was going to do next.

He turned and wrapped both of his arms around my shoulders, leaning into the hug, and I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt tears pricking my eyes.

I had never had someone around who was willing to hug me and help me when I was sad. Maybe that was because I never let anyone in enough to do that, or maybe it was because they weren't Louis, but whatever the reason, I was so grateful for this man's presence in my life. He helped me more than he would ever know.