Until November

Chapter 15

Jocelyn

Noelle bombs my shoulder with spit-up when a delivery arrives for Ben. It's completely none of my business, but the top flap of the box looks like it's been opened and trying to lift it with Noelle in one arm turns into a disaster. My hand slips beneath the box and it tumbles onto the floor the tape splits completely with something spilling out. "Hang on, sweetheart," I say to Noelle and set her on the soft activity mat with undersea creatures.

I pick up the items, pausing at some sort of man crate. A quick check of the sender and it's Mia Shay. Mia. His friends-with-benefits and Eli's sister. Lots of tangled webs there. Okay, I might have looked her up. Pre-birth, after he had kissed me. Who wouldn't have? Now that the box is  open, is it wrong to look? Probably. Lightly shuffling the items I find beef jerky, a mini bottle of whiskey, sunglasses, a sealed envelope I can't open. A dry erase marker and board. "What's that for?" I turn to Noelle for an explanation. "She sent truffles too. Is this a romantic flavor guessing game? But you write your guess down?" Does Ben even like this kind of stuff? 

I repack the box and put it in the closet out of sight. Gently and swiftly, I pick up Noelle and cradle her against me. This is going nowhere fast. Upstairs and to my bed is where I go and try to snag some sleep. 

She goes down without a fight and I close the nursery door. My bed is my sanctuary, regardless of Ben's unwanted attitude about the size of it. He would be competitive about toenail length if put to the test. I pull the covers around me, but remain seated, my thoughts jarred by Mia's gift box. She knows where he's staying, a thought leaving a nagging feeling I don't like. How does she know my address? Does she know about the situation? Ben would be in violation of our contract but...I can't stomach that thought. I don't want to. 

Onto equally frustrating mysteries. I pull open the nightstand drawer and retrieve the Cryptex. Another word comes to me. Allies. That's brotherly, right? I push the letters to line up, but like the long list of words I have previously tried, this one doesn't work. I should have left the darn thing in the trash can, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. Not when I saw it there knowing I had seen it that first night we met.

I try MiaShay quickly realizing that's seven letters. No. It's something between Ben and Jack. Let me try a new combo. BenJac, BeJack, BroHoe. Nothing.

I can't imagine my brother leaving me something like this with a message inside or a small object—something important and then trashing it. Did Ben already open it? I run my finger over the grooved letters, willing the answer to imprint on my fingers. Ben could have solved it, but something tells me he gave up. I tuck it away in my nightstand drawer, it thuds against the contracts Ben and I had signed and I pull the covers over my head.

I feel so...alone. So tired, so fried. My days are fluid like water rolling in the next hour to the next without a damn to stop the constant motion. The breaks are few. They're far. They're in between and fleeting. Aside from Noelle's doctor appointments, I haven't left the house. Grocery delivery has been a Godsend. Noelle slept an extra hour longer last night which was like a September miracle and my milk is drying up faster each day. Yesterday I just had to pump in the morning. I force myself good thoughts like this as I give into my heavy lids. 

I yawn against my pillow, curling into the sheets, too overwhelmed to be embarrassed about what happened when I fell on Ben. Heat surges through me at that moment. I wasn't going to go any further, I didn't have a plan. I wasn't thinking about Noelle or feeling sorry for myself. But when I touched him, I wasn't prepared for the spark in his gaze, the rippling need and pleading eyes. I felt it too, deep in the places I thought I could control with being so near him. I thought I could resist him. Then, there was the way he had looked at me when my hand was stroking him, holding back from giving him what he wanted. Nothing about his gaze was rude or cocky. It was the two of us, my body blushing with the feel of his body against my hand.