Until November

Chapter 18

Jocelyn

Ben is standing right in front of me garnering a few looks. I'm going to ignore that his presence is like a slap in my face to my brain. The sight of him turns everything upside down. "I see the locks were installed," he says, not budging an inch, holding the door with a firm grip. "We need to talk."

My gaze roams over the sidewalk. A few curious glances come our way. "We're not doing this here. At the park." I push the stroller towards the center of downtown. The fall window displays decorate the town in golds and reds, scarecrows and pumpkins. He can come with me or not. Either way, every eye in that café is following us.

A nearby park bench gives us a little privacy. Ben takes a seat, his body touching mine, my heart beating fast with disappointment and how much I had hoped things would be different. How annoyingly, his face is hard to look away from.

He leans forward resting his elbows on his knees. A stray gold leaf twirls onto his back. "I worry about your safety."

A burst of huffy, hot air escapes my mouth. "I could tell."

He doesn't look at me. "I'm not perfect, Jocelyn. I make mistakes."

My gaze whips to him. I gawk dramatically. "Those are three words I didn't think you knew."

"Would you let me try here?" He turns to me, his eyes stealing my breath. The green flecks mixed with the brown are like that spectacular gold leaf that just fell. "You can be just as stubborn, you know. You may not want to see it, but we're alike. More than you realize."

I'm about to reject that, but he might have a tiny point. My lips push together, my coffee half forgotten about.

"You make it hard to mess up around. I thought I could walk in and just exist in your life and that would be enough and the more I did that, the less you were impressed." Ben's hand falls to my thigh. "I'm clueless about being a parent. About what a baby needs. I'm not around kids and women who need anything beyond sex. That's the reality of how my life is. Golf made me choose what's important and it's always been the game and getting what I want and being an asshole that somehow my fans have let me get away with. That's how it's been. But now my brother is gone and I can't avoid that and you need me in a way no one needs me." His whole-body sigh is telling. Ben looks completely out of his comfort zone. "I've been reading about post-birth stuff," his voice trails.

My eyebrow arches gently, but my lips stay closed.

"You cry a lot. You're tired. I just avoided it."

Tears prick my eyes and look away from him, trying to hold onto flimsy strands of pride. "It's been a bigger adjustment than I thought, too."

"Are you okay though? Do you need a doctor for postpartum stuff?"

My God. He is trying. "It's touch-and-go. Nothing I'm concerned about, but yes. Lots of tears and exhaustion." My coffee cup slides gently in my hand. "Did you tell Mia about our arrangement?"

"No." His voice is firm. "What I said was the truth. I told Eli because he has things he has to send me. Mia found out through him."

"That stuff she sent. It's something a girlfriend would send. Are the two of you still together?" Might as well get all the cobwebs out now.

"I hate that stuff she sent, well, not the whiskey, but those things aren't me."

"Why did she send a dry erase board and markers?" I finally bring my gaze to him because I need to see his eyes when he answers.

"She used to do this thing where she would write down things she wanted me to do to her. I never got into it. Never even tried that with her. Thought it was dumb. I don't need props if a naked woman is involved."