Masquerade

Part Fiveteen : Tell me

I never had a chance to be soft.

Never a chance to be someone else.

A new person, the person I wanted to be, my ... parents wanted me to be.

I was always bloody knuckles and shards of glass.

No retreat, no backing down.

I wanted people to be afraid.

To be afraid of hurting me.

And what have I become?

An empty hull wandering through life.

And with time something starts, you seek for answer for questions you never had to answer before, questions you are scared of.

Who am I and why am I?

Philopsophical, I know, but these mean so much more for me.
I blame the Suits, they took my old life and gave me this one, no chance of returning it, taking my old one back, just a one way trip I never booked.

Isn't it an easy answer?

The silence whispers it, dripping poison down my ear.
I want to believe it, but who I never take it.
Every time, it ends up with me replaying it.

Name

Every time I know, what this is, what the silence wants and it gets me everytime.

Questioning myself until I don't know who looks back out of the mirror.
The monster made out of anxiety, fear, hate, just creeping in the corner, waiting for my nect weak spot.

The whispers already began.

"I was too young!",

NO

"I couldn't have done anything else than accept"

NO

"I was just a scared little girl"

YOU STILL ARE, THE LITTLE LUZ AGAINST THE WORLD

"Im stronger",

YOU LOSE AGAIN, YOU NEVER WILL WIN

Why even fight? For what?

I am just so tired, tired of being like this.

This walking embarresement

The voices are just right, they don't judge me, they just tell me what I am and I

JUST

CANT

TAKE

IT

ANYMORE

I let out a scream, covering my ears, why don't they just stop with this shit

Why cant anyone just let me alone?

I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, gently stroking.

Eda

She

Her eyes carry this sea of understanding.

"You don't have to explain you, if you want try it" she kneels now to be on eye level with me, gently taking one of my hands,
"But even I wonder, if I ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most".

She slowly goes to hug me, I let it happen, maybe I need this, someone I can trust.
Someone I can tell what I couldn't tell for so long.

"Eda?",
"Yes?",
"Tell me, which to ask forgiveness for, what I am or what I am not?".
Just silence.
"Tell me, which should I regret, what I became or what I didn't?",
"Neither, we will be, who we are and we cant change in an instant what has been forged for years",
"You are a lighthouse, Eda, who? I never met anyone like you and I saw already so much of this hellish land",
"I don't know, Luz, but I wish I would be this burning light of hope, but even this light will flicker, nothing is really permanent in this world, it turns and with it, we do".

She stands up and holds a hand out.
"Lets get up and show the life who is the boss", a bright smile on her face, I reach out and she helps me up.
"See it as a little secret, we wont find hope on the floor, just grab something off some dumb fucks", I have to chuckle,
"So this is what your little store is?",
"Maybe " she winks.
She looks like she fell into a bit of nostalgia.
"You know", she says, a bit daydreaming, "I got this idea from someone I once met in Vegas",
"Vegas?",
"A story for another time, kiddo, by the way, do you ever cooked?"

Cooking just get you different thoughts.
Between cutting onions and keeping an eye on everything else cooking and frying, there is no much place for your thoughts.
She knows what to do in those situations, who to get it out of your head.
I should maybe go for a walk, the sun is close to set, but I don't fucking care, I already know what awaits me there.

As I stroll through the almost empty streets a thought comes up.
A beer wouldn't be that bad.
Didn't see a liquor shop around, and the gas station they had here looked more like the only functioning shit were the pumps.
So a bit more walking.
The street lights flickers with maybe a bit too much tries to life.

And finally

A weathered sign, bar, its close, maybe three or four houses, the neon sign shimmering in a soft orange.

Just hope the barkeeper is a s chilled with the age restrictions as the shop keeper.

But as I see the sign in its full glory my mood gets a damper.

Motel and Bar.

The Overlook.

Well, no beer came without a sour taste and what should happen?
Cant fucking kill me in his own damn bar.